AIBU? DH and family holiday

[Mrshermitt]

FIL birthday this year and theyve planned a family holiday abroad but it’s 1.5k each and at Christmas time. I am unwell so I can’t go anyway and we can’t afford to spend money like that now I’m not working. We have 3 kids so looking at 7.5k for all of us.

DH desperately wants to go and I’ve just said go because I’m sick of hearing about it. I can barely manage taking care of myself some days but somehow I have to figure out with the kids.He’s going for 7 days and coming back on Boxing Day.

Can I ask would your husband do to this to you and your family or even consider it? Especially at that time of the year too?

But you've given him a green light. Just effing go is still a go. Now he can say well you told me to go so I went.

Nope!! He might want to go (though I doubt it). But definitely wouldn’t spend money we didn’t have, over Christmas, and leave me to struggle.

Of course he wouldn't go, cos he's not an arsehole. Let him go but tell him not to expect to come home afterwards.

I have no idea what your relationship with the wider family is like but there is no way that your DH's family should be arranging a holiday over Christmas and asking everyone to attend at that kind of cost. Fine if FIL wants to celebrate, fine if they wish to extend the invitation to the whole family, but absolutely not fine to do it over Christmas at that kind of cost. What kind of holiday is this - I assume skiing or something similar?

If your DH does go ahead with this, I would definitely try and have you and the kids spend Christmas with (your?) family elsewhere? I also would do only the minimum of preparation for the season - whatever your children will miss if it's not done. Otherwise I would absolutely refuse to do anything else - certainly no card sending, extra cleaning, gifts for his family, definitely no gifts for him!

It sounds like this isn’t the first time that DH has done something like this?
Neither of us would do this to the other but tbh neither of our parents would put us in this position either!

If he's even considering it, then is the marriage worth hanging on to? Sounds like the IL's don't give a shit about you either.

Your husband is an arsehole. You aren't well enough to look after your children but he is going to leave you to cope over Christmas.

Do you have anyone in your family who could help you with the children while he is away? I certainly wouldn't be welcoming him back. He sounds very selfish and childish. Do his parents know how ill you are?

The trouble is now you’ve told him to go, if you ever complain about it again he’ll just throw it back at you.

The holiday is to celebrate a birthday? Is there a particular reason for the significance? Are the rest of his family going - can they all afford it? How big is the group?

Those questions are just because I’m nosy.

Whatever the answers there is no excuse for leaving your ill wife and kids over Christmas.

Genuinely can’t imagine how he’s squared this in his mind as the act of a loving husband or parent.

im trying to imagine the conversation with my colleagues - “Yeah I’m spending Christmas in Barbados with my parents. Shelia and the kids will be at home.”

Is your illness mental or physical OP? Either way your DH should not be leaving you all at Christmas.

My ex-DH would absolutely have done this. (See: ex). Current DP wouldn’t dream of it.

There is zero chance my DH would go and miss Christmas with DS. My in laws wouldn’t dream of asking either.
You bring I’ll makes it even more unreasonable.

Ask him how he will afford it post split when he is paying cms for 3 x dc.

Wow. That's a whole new level of selfishness from him.

I'm not sure I'd be able to get past having a husband who wanted to have a jolly over Christmas and leave all the work to someone unwell at home.

No way would my husband (or I) consider leaving our kids for a week over Christmas. Terrible of your husband, and in-laws to put you in this position.

Why did they pick Christmas week? Its a bit mad given the cost. And you obviously cant afford it. And sick. So basically they new you and the kids would be without your dh for Christmas.
As for him well what father wants to not be with his kids for Christmas!

So he wants to be with his dad for Christmas - doesn't he think his own children will want to be with THEIR dad for Christmas?

No it’s not we’ve tried to separate but because of my condition and my family are an hour I’ve always needed his help. But I need to figure this out because I can’t go on like this forever.

*hour away

Final question - did your ILs know that you wouldn't be able to travel?

I think he was saying ‘I don’t know what to do’ because he knows exactly what he needs to do but doesn’t want to do it. If you don’t say go, he will blame you for taking this opportunity away from him etc, if you do let him go but aren’t dancing with joy about it, he will blame you for that too and say but you told me I could go!
This is his decision. You identify the practical difficulties it will create along with the fact of missing Xmas with the kids and then it’s up to him.
If he goes on to book it, what he does next will be interesting. Does he do anything to try make life easier for you now and when he’ll be away? I suspect he won’t and you will have the full measure of the man. You can then decide what next steps you wish to take. I am sympathetic to his desire to go, but he needs to be a grown up which means putting you and your kids first.

Tell him he is an adult. Adults have choices.

It is up to him to weigh the needs of his kids at Christmas, his parent's wishes, your health and wellbeing, with his own wants and desires.

The natural consequences of his actions are his to bear.

I wouldn't be telling him to go, giving him the green light - even if it is out of frustration.

I'd need wider context first like ages of children, ages of parents, significance of Christmas holiday, pattern of illness before i could answer your question for my situation.

Sounds like he's worn you down and you've just made it easier for him to do what he was always going to do anyway.

I'm so sorry he's behaving this way @Mrshermitt I think you do need to figure out how you can split up.

massive eye roll

Sometimes you cant do what you want to do when you have kids. It’s so disappointing for your DH to make this decision, especially as you’re not well either! It’s never too late to tell someone how you really feel, please consider doing this OP rather than stewing indefinitely about this.