AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

[seriouslyruminating]

Trying to keep this short and would be so grateful for everyone's advice!

I lived in the UK for 15 years now (stayed after uni), and have a lovely husband and child. We always meant to move back to my home country but this has not happened for a variety of reasons (Covid hit, job offers falling through, then not finding anything suitable, and now DD being so happy and settled in school, she's 8.) I am however increasingly missing my parents.

Job offers in mine and DHs field are very rare in our industries over there as it's quite specialised (I'd want to live near parents as otherwise no point moving there. They're the only reason I want to move back. ). Even if we managed to find a job in the next city it would be a very long commute whereas now, we both work from home and school hours! We do visit them on average every 3 months at least, and try to stay for quite a while when we go.

AIBU to think absence makes the heart grow fonder? I do wonder if my feelings would change if we lived nearby. It would be very hard to move but I do feel bad to not be nearer my folks as they get older. I cannot seem to be able to get out of this rumination cycle no matter how hard I try. SO I suppose my question is, is this alone a good enough reason to move countries?

To add, if we were to move there, we'd live in my parents house all together and make some modification so we all have space.

Give it ten years, until your DD has finished school and then move back if you still want to.

I mean, that sounds horrific. Is your DH really on board with the plan?

What country is it and do they speak the same language as here. Any other siblings? Do your parents visit here and how old are they? I don’t think I’d to be living in the same house as them. Think that would be tricky after 15 years of living independently.

I should explain. This is something that we do quite frequently over there, intergenerational living. I admit that this isn't always plain sailing and often people fall out, but it can also be very beneficial and harmonious if you do get on. Kids are taken care of by all and noone is ever lonely. My DH did say he would be okay with that, however he wants to have a safe job lined up before we go which makes sense.

I suppose that could be a plan! It's not actually that long is it- I suppose DD will not want to come with me though as she'll have her life here. You won't believe it but even at this age she keeps saying she loves to visit the grandparents there but really doesn't want to live there.

I have one sibling but he's also moved away a long time ago and there's no chance he'd move back. He does visit a lot as well though.

No, not same language. DD is fluent but if we wait much longer school will get tricky as they have to resit the year if they don't have good grades and I wouldn't want that for her. DH tries his best but it's tricky, as a strong accent.

I'm afraid I'll out myself if I say the country- it's my first post on MN but someone from real life might know me

So your home is not your husband's home country? On the face of it, it's an enormous ask of him, to give up everything he's worked for, and his home, to go and live with your parents and have a much lower quality of life. Is he even on board? I think it would be very hard and you are romanticising.

However I do sympathise as I have the same problem albeit within this country- I live several hours from my parents and it's hard as they age. I feel guilty. But I've had to accept that I made certain choices when I was younger and now other people depend on me i cannot simply uproot and undo those choices.

Sigh, yes that's it. It won't be a lower quality of life really as it's a lovely and wealthy country with great nature. But yes, it would be very hard for the first couple of years for sure, my DH not really knowing anyone, having to learn the language etc.

Added complication, if he lost his job there would be literally nothing else for him to work there as it's quite academic and there are very little companies that could employ him. So it's all a bit risky.
That's left aside the fact that DD absolutely doesn't want to move.

Sending a hug, it's tough with aging parents, and unless you are very nearby it's difficult to help no matter in which country you are!

I get your situation as I was in similar a few years ago. But I moved to another English speaking country so nobody had to learn a new language.
the most important thing though in the move was jobs. If you both can’t get a job that gives at least the same or higher quality of life then it would be a no from me. Being able to evidence that our standard of living would be much higher is what sold it to dh. For me being near my family was very important (him not so much!).
My dd moved when she was 10 and adjusted very quickly- again no language barrier but a cultural barrier nonetheless.
I wouldn’t go on what your 8 year old says. This is a parent decision.

I'd really, really caution against making DD feel she might have to move country when she doesn't want to. My parents made my older siblings move country every few years. I was lucky in that I didn't move but my mum spent my entire childhood wanging on about her home country and once announced we were definitely moving there (we didn't). It is very unsettling and I was so upset.

To be honest it sounds like it's going to be a bit shit for everyone else apart from you and your parents. Settle for going every 3 months for now, then decide when DD is older.

To answer one question someone asked, unfortuntaley my parents rarely visit which makes me really sad. It's been two years now since they have been over here, whereas I go about 4-5 times over there. They make out that they don't want to disturb us by visiting too much and that our house is fairly small.

I am glad you say that as I didn't see it from this angle- I thought it might be good mentioning it here and there that it might be a possibility moving but my DD sems to really not want to- despite it being genuinley a wonderful country with lots of outdoor fun to be had. He is so close to my parents as well. But I will definitley not mention it again from now on.

Your question was AUBU to keep debating whether to move back or not ao in response I say yes. You should stop debating it and make a decision.
I relation to your real dilemma why upset the apple cart? It would cause so much upheaval with no guarantees. Ask your parents to move to you.

They would never, not in a million years, move to us unfortunately. It is a real struggle to get them to visit. They don't speak English and that really knocks their confidence as well.

Though I would agree this would be best, but it's not an option unfortunately.

I am absolutely panicking at the thought of moving us all, then DH and DD being unhappy and not making friends and it would all be my fault.

I think you have to prioritise your child, husband and jobs - in that order - over your parents. And your husband might think inter-generational living would be OK but, in reality, most people would struggle with it.

What countries are we talking about here. The intergenerational living thing would concern me as often if involves the whole family having a view about something and women often being sidelined.

I don't really want to say as I think it might make me identifieable if anyone I know happens to read this post.

From what you say moving sounds like it is not really a viable option. Your dd does not want to, in fairness at eight it would be cruel to uproot her from the only world that she has ever know.

I strongly suspect your husband is not onboard as much as you think. You say he wants a certainty of a solid job which by the sounds of things is not there. You say that if he lost his job he would find it hard to get something else. Moving in with his inlaws and having a huge commute would also be awful.

I think you need to focus on making a good life for yourself here and encourage your parents to visit more.

It is a case of rose tinted glasses op, because the reality does not sound fun at all of living with your parents after being away for so long.

Your child will not have any friends or connections, and the job situation sounds precarious. I think you are far better off staying where you are, and either moving your parents closer to you here, or spending longer with them over the spring and summer holidays.

Once dd is at university you can revisit your decision, or work towards an early retirement. I sometimes long to be at my childhood home, but it is not the same place now op, times move on and things change. You have a whole life where you are now, that seems to work well for all of you.

I can't see any upside to you moving back, and plenty of seriously negative downsides.

Thank you. I think you are probably right in all your points!

Unfortunately my parents would never leave from where they are now and it is a real struggle to even get them to visit. I get that they don't speak English but everyone has always made them feel very welcome and it's a 1.5 hour flight, it's not Australia.

It has to be something that benefits all
three of you, AND benefits you permanently - even once your parents have died. It doesn’t sound like you’ve reached either of those criteria tbh.

Also just to say, we spend the entire summer holidays at my parents every year!

If it’s only a 1.5 hour flight then you could go more often, every six weeks if you wanted.

Edited to add: it takes me 4 hours to get to where my dm lives, and we’re both in England. I manage it at least once a month easily enough.

Visiting and living there are two very different things.