AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

[seriouslyruminating]

Trying to keep this short and would be so grateful for everyone's advice!

I lived in the UK for 15 years now (stayed after uni), and have a lovely husband and child. We always meant to move back to my home country but this has not happened for a variety of reasons (Covid hit, job offers falling through, then not finding anything suitable, and now DD being so happy and settled in school, she's 8.) I am however increasingly missing my parents.

Job offers in mine and DHs field are very rare in our industries over there as it's quite specialised (I'd want to live near parents as otherwise no point moving there. They're the only reason I want to move back. ). Even if we managed to find a job in the next city it would be a very long commute whereas now, we both work from home and school hours! We do visit them on average every 3 months at least, and try to stay for quite a while when we go.

AIBU to think absence makes the heart grow fonder? I do wonder if my feelings would change if we lived nearby. It would be very hard to move but I do feel bad to not be nearer my folks as they get older. I cannot seem to be able to get out of this rumination cycle no matter how hard I try. SO I suppose my question is, is this alone a good enough reason to move countries?

Every 6 weeks is a little to often as DD also wants to do other things. This year, I went in January, February, April, July and August and will again in December. So every 2 months I suppose on average.

Your daughter does not need to go with you every time. She can stay at home with your parents. I assume the country we are talking about is somewhere like Spain.

I'm unsure what you mean by "she can stay home with your parents", when they are the ones we are visiting? Do you mean stay at home with DH's parents?

I am unsure my parents would be very happy for me to come over without my daughter, they really want to see her!

Also, it's a 1,5 hour flight (it's not Spain, it's closer than that) but I have to be at the airport 2 hours earlier, and then a 2,5 hour journey on the other side as my parents live very rurally.

I do wonder sometimes if I should have stuck to a more simple profession and just stay nearer by, but then of course I wouldn't have my wonderful DH and child now!

You don’t have to take dd or dh with you every time though!

I'm not taking DH every time, my DD I do though as they would be upset for me to come without her.

So you’re visiting, and considering moving, to keep them happy?

Let them be upset then.

Essentially yes, I love them very much and they have given me a lovely childhood so I want them to be happy and be there for them.

Women being sidelined.. this made me laugh. I am from a country where intergenerational living was pretty normal up until 10-15 years ago and my grandfather was the only man in our household for most of our family co-habitating history. Even if he wanted to sideline us, I am not convinced he could. My granny was always of the belief that a man is the head of the household but a woman is the neck and it turns the head whichever way the neck wants to go.

But what about your DH and your DD's happiness?

I think this would be a really selfish thing to do.

But the cost would be your dh’s and dd’s happiness for the rest of their lives. Surely you can see that’s far too high a price to pay.

So its a good country, you can still make money by moving there? I think I would be moving away from the UK if I had the chance.

ok sorry I missed the part dd does not want to go... I think you need to respect that.

I think you need to grow up, you’re not 5

missing your parents!!!! Who you visit regularly!!!!

your child is your priority, get a grip

How old are your parents? Are they retired? Seems like it would be easier for you if they were prepared to do some of the travelling. My mother in law used to visit us by train when she found driving longer distances too much. Is it because you moved away they feel it should be you having to do the travelling? I’ve had this in my family, my sister and brother haven’t visited me in over 20 years and it’s an hour and a half drive.

I would prioritise my DD. You say your parents gave you a lovely childhood so you want to make them happy... Isn't your DD's experience of her own childhood and youth as important? Isn't her happiness as important as that of your parents?

Are they pressuring you?

It sounds like it will really disadvantage your child and your DH. I’m assuming the job is something like an academic in a particular university or similar in somewhere like The Netherlands so you know how challenging it will be to find suitable roles. Your DH doesn’t speak the language so the chances of him getting a job are pretty low. You will all have to live very rurally. It’s a huge ask - you already spend your whole summer holidays there and go numerous times during the year. I think you’re asking too much - your DD doesn’t want to. Your DH seems ambivalent. Continue with the visits but don’t uproot your whole lives just because you want to live with your mum and dad.

So your daughter spends the entire school holiday there.....when does she see friends? When does she do things in HER country? When does she see other parts of England and go to museums, the sea side, other attractions? When does she spend quality time with her other side of the family.
It sounds very much like a you issue.
Your parents could come and see you - they choose not to. That's on them. I do understand that it's tough being away from home. But that's what you would put on your daughter and husband if you make them move. You can only do it if you and your husband are both 100% committed to making it work.

Bad idea to move in with your parents.

Also you would damage your career, your partner's career and your child's education by moving.

You spend your holidays with them and they are only a short flight away so it is not like you are not having regular contact with them.

I think you should focus on giving your DD a fantastic childhood rather than trying to thank and appease your parents. Would your childhood have been so wonderful if your parents had moved you to another country to live with grandparents in the middle of nowhere, seeing your dad 2 hours less every day and having less financial security?

Yes its a very "good", wealthy country (I suppose people will have different ideas about what makes a good country), we would be eventually making money etc. but it would be hard at first. It would come at teh cost of my husband having a long commute, my career over there doesn't really exist so I'd have to do something else entirely.

My DD gets a lot of school support for suspected ADHD and that's also something that is not as good over there as here, so that's another complication and a reason I'd rather not have her change schools. The school system in my home country is good, but very different from the UK.

All in all, we would have a very high quality of life over there but it would certainly be hard at first.

When you put it that way, I agree it does sound like a no-brainer.

She does see her friends over here all the time, I facilitate a lot of playdates, clubs, etc. We are seeing my DH's family a lot and go on lots of outings throughout the year. She is not missing out on things over here.

As we go to my home country often she is fully bilingual and very confident.

I do agree with you that my parents choose not to come which is a real shame and would make my life much easier as well. Though we have a lot more space in their house, in fairness.