AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

[seriouslyruminating]

Trying to keep this short and would be so grateful for everyone's advice!

I lived in the UK for 15 years now (stayed after uni), and have a lovely husband and child. We always meant to move back to my home country but this has not happened for a variety of reasons (Covid hit, job offers falling through, then not finding anything suitable, and now DD being so happy and settled in school, she's 8.) I am however increasingly missing my parents.

Job offers in mine and DHs field are very rare in our industries over there as it's quite specialised (I'd want to live near parents as otherwise no point moving there. They're the only reason I want to move back. ). Even if we managed to find a job in the next city it would be a very long commute whereas now, we both work from home and school hours! We do visit them on average every 3 months at least, and try to stay for quite a while when we go.

AIBU to think absence makes the heart grow fonder? I do wonder if my feelings would change if we lived nearby. It would be very hard to move but I do feel bad to not be nearer my folks as they get older. I cannot seem to be able to get out of this rumination cycle no matter how hard I try. SO I suppose my question is, is this alone a good enough reason to move countries?

Oh I fully agree with you! I'm not from Germany but have friends and relatives there. I absolutely would not move there.

The grass really isn't always greener elsewhere

How do you know what she'll want to do in ten years time?

Her home is the UK. There's every possibility she'll want to come back here to study and work in the future.

I mean, you did. Why shouldn't she?

You need to work on this guilt op, as it is misplaced. We don't owe our parents or families anything, and certainly not our own lives/livelihoods.

My dd has moved to another country and has been away for four years, she misses us terribly but is happy with her set up. I have got used to it, although I miss her and love seeing her when she comes home, I am mostly proud she is living her own life and following her own dreams/aspirations. I don't want her to follow us, but have her own life. These days face time, telephone and WhatsApp very much bridges much of the gap.

We have given our children a very happy English rural childhood, and I would love for my future GC to experience it; but they will have their own ideas and I can always create this pocket of idyll for gc when they visit, that is more than enough. I imagine your parents feel very loved, and valued by you, and it might be that the relationship benefits from a little distance, as you appreciate each other more deeply.

You have another junction which is senior school, and then university - so it is not now or never. It is not at this time, especially if your child has ADHD and is being well supported, that is very valuable. You visit so much anyway op, maybe enjoy the best of both worlds for now?

Sorry that was a typo, it should say her father.

I know other people have already covered this but of course it's a possibility. I've done it myself.

This is going to sound rude but you seem to have this idea that you can uproot your child, and it's guaranteed not to backfire. It isn't.

the exact country does matter quite a lot. Advice will be different depending on whether you are moving to, say, France or Albania.

So much depends on the economy, infrastructure, healthcare, educational opportunities for your dd... if she doesn't live here for the five years before she's 18 she'll have to pay international fees for UK universities, for example

But on the fact of it, you can't afford to move there as you won't be able to find jobs...visiting all summer instead sounds delightful, just keep doing that

It gives the impression that OP is just going to go ahead and do it regardless.

Well no, I most certainly won't, why would I be asking for advice?

Lots of people ask for advice to validate their views, not because they're actually interested in the opposing side.

We moved our DS at 8 back home to Wales, he was up for it at the time, and it’s only a couple of hours down the road, but the difference was huge, he is 14 now and still wants to move away as soon as he’s old enough, he misses the activities, being closer to city life, etc.
and tbh I miss it too. I think mid Covid the grass definitely seemed greener and it is in a lot of ways, but in hindsight we should have stayed put.

Aww thank you for your post, I am sorry that your son is still longing for his "old" home. In fairness, I would have also not wanted to move at that age.

I just wish sometimes I would have pushed harder when DD was younger and wouldn't have minded. It did however just not work out at the time.

You never know- if you hadn't moved, you might be thinking now you wish you had- if only we had a crystal ball and know what is best!!

You were having such problems with your employment in your home country, would it have worked out? It doesn't sound like it op. It sounds like wishful thinking to me, and you are a parent now, and have responsibilities for your child, and not a child yourself. You dh is being very patient and understanding, as this would drive me nuts having this hanging over my family life. It would be enough for me having to visit as often as you all do!

Your child is happy and settled, your parents are happy and settled. The regular visits sound ample time to enjoy time with them. Your financial security is not unimportant, nor the support for your dd with her ND. A move like this could really impact her in a very negative way and shape the rest of her education and future. You have to put her first.

Please think carefully about everything that’s been said here. In fairness everyone has been extremely constructive.

You feel guilty as you always planned to move back home - life happens. You now have a husband and daughter to consider

Your parents don’t want to visit, learn their grandchild’s language nor ‘allow’ you to visit without your daughter.

However it’s okay to move your husband and daughter to a different country, where the job situation is precarious, no friends and a different language. You say your daughter likes to visit but there is a big difference between a visit and living there. On top of that you will all move into your parent’s home.

When someone brings up about your daughter may want to return to the UK for university you do not seem to consider that she will have her own wishes as you just dismiss it.

Please stop and think. You may think that you have a finite time left to spend with your parents but your daughter will only stay young for a short time too. Why is the compromise always coming from one direction?

I understand you love your parents but it’s you that always goes to them and they get upset about you not taking your daughter when you visit yet they won’t come and see you? It sounds rather one sided having you continuously going to see them and it not being reciprocated. That would speak volumes to me as a mum and as a daughter.

You sound very enmeshed with your parents. You are a parent now and you need to prioritise the needs of your child and the family you have created. Moving countries simply to make your parents happy is insane.

I can think of 3 families which moved their children from one country to another - ages ranged from 7 to 13. In all cases it mucked up the chlldren academically and emotionally. None of the parents had anticipated any problems.(Indeed all thought it would be very good for the children - broaden their horizons, give them advantages etc).

All nine children are emotionally and academically disadvantaged even now decades after the event. Despite all three fathers and 2 mothers with post graduate qualifications 8 of the 9 children have not managed to graduate. All have serious insecurity and trust issues, multiple failed marriages etc., issues with their own children too.

I fear you are not yet experienced enough or seen enough of this sort of problem so maybe not yet able to imagine the damage you will be doing to your child. Once you have made your move against the wishes of your child they will NEVER trust you again. All three families mentioned above are now broken, all members living hundreds or thousands of miles apart. barely speaking...

I do sympathise as it is very difficult to conceive of the complexities of a situation you have no experience of yourself. But, listen to your child. Listen to your child.