AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

[seriouslyruminating]

Trying to keep this short and would be so grateful for everyone's advice!

I lived in the UK for 15 years now (stayed after uni), and have a lovely husband and child. We always meant to move back to my home country but this has not happened for a variety of reasons (Covid hit, job offers falling through, then not finding anything suitable, and now DD being so happy and settled in school, she's 8.) I am however increasingly missing my parents.

Job offers in mine and DHs field are very rare in our industries over there as it's quite specialised (I'd want to live near parents as otherwise no point moving there. They're the only reason I want to move back. ). Even if we managed to find a job in the next city it would be a very long commute whereas now, we both work from home and school hours! We do visit them on average every 3 months at least, and try to stay for quite a while when we go.

AIBU to think absence makes the heart grow fonder? I do wonder if my feelings would change if we lived nearby. It would be very hard to move but I do feel bad to not be nearer my folks as they get older. I cannot seem to be able to get out of this rumination cycle no matter how hard I try. SO I suppose my question is, is this alone a good enough reason to move countries?

I totally see your point but the thing is, my home country is really lovely and DD would actually have a lovely life there as well. It's not like I'd be moving her to a horrible place.

However, point still stands that she doesn't want to live there, only visit. I don't know how long it would take for her to get used to there.

She shouldn't have to 'get used to it', though.

You're being selfish.

Sounds like really it’s only about what you and your parents want.

You’d all be cramming into one home, your dh would have a long community so less family time, dh struggles learning the language, less support for dd with her adhd without even adding the fact she doesn’t want to live there.

You already take dd every time you visit because they want her there not because she wants to go so it’s just appeasing your parents again.

Sounds like everyones life would be worse about from you and your parents.

Argh, you are right with most of that I suppose. Time to own my decisions and put my big girl pants on.

However, DD loves visiting- she looks forward to it every time. Its not that I force her to come with me at all, and I'd never do that.

What I meant in a previous post was, if I went by myself my parents would understandably be upset not to see their grandchild.

Honestly this sounds so focussed on your’s and your parent’s needs.

You have no idea that this change would be positive for your child, there is absolutely no guarantee on that and it would be simply awful for your DH. It really sounds like a case of far away hills are greener. That is rarely true, the feelings you have now often travel with you.

I really think you need to start considering your own family, your primary responsibility is now to your daughter but you seem to have flipped this to your parents. It is probably a good time for you to really start thinking about this from other perspectives.

If your parents wanted to see your DD that badly, they would travel to see you.

Thing is she might be happy now she’s 8. But when she’s 13/14/15 and wanting to go out with her friends in the summer holidays and half terms she isn’t going to want to go everytime you do or for the whole summer either.

I'd stay and put my daughter first. Now she's older, could you make more trips to see your parents on your own?

Yes and that is fair enough, I would not expect her to want to do that as a teenager. Also we don't go every half term.

Your parents need to visit you more.

That’s the compromise and holiday together but in different locations sometimes.

Make sure not every holiday is just you going home. Because it will stop feeling like a holiday for dd and dh.

So you would move back for your parents. But then what about DH parents ? Surely he would miss them? You see your parents regularly anyway but they don’t come to you though , effort is all from you . I say put your DH and DD first . Stay where you are .

The other thing to take into consideration is that she may never get used to it and could decide to return to the UK as an adult.

Do you think this really is a possibilty? When moved at 8 years old? It still seems fairly young to me. Genuine question as I did not move as a child.

We love DH's parents very much but are not as close to them as we are to mine. Saying that though, you are possibly right in, we visit mine a lot anyways.

In my parents defence, they don't speak the language, and are not really the most adventurous people in general. But of course that goes for a lot of people who regularly travel despite that.

I think you need to think about why you feel guilty. Your parents don't even visit often, let alone consider giving up their lives to move to you. However, you are feeling guilty about not giving up your jobs, life, DHs family, own home and DD being settled and happy at school. There's an imbalance there, you are very defensive about asking anything of them, but you are asking an awful lot more of DH and DD. This isn't really right and there must be a reason for it.

FWIW, it sounds like you have a lovely balance just now and life is going well. There's no reason to shake this up so completely, just work on the guilt.

Of course it is

Also, remember that if you move her abroad, she'll have to pay international student fees if she wants to come back and study in the UK.

University education is free in my home country (and also very good) so this is not really a consideration for me, to be honest.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!

I think I feel guilty because it was always the plan to move back, and a few years ago, before DD started reception, we almost did. The company over there messed us about spectacularly though and it all fell through literally 2 months before we were supposed to move.

After that, my DH tried to apply for a few other jobs, but heard nothing back. So I suppose I feel guilty because I always intended to go back and be there for them but this hasn't happened due to those events out of my control.

You are right though that I am probably being very defensive in terms of asking very little of my parents so I shall work on the guilt.

Seems like a silly decision to uproot and move to a country where you and DH won’t easily find employment, unsettling your DD in the process. I also wouldn’t want to move in with my ILs or parents even… How does your DH feel about that?! Just visit them as often as you can.

Just Like you moved away and your sibling has moved away of course there is a chance she will move away.

It’s basically in her genes moving countries as you want her to do it now.

Also if she hates the move and her memories of the uk are rather pleasant she will grow us missing home to her as her home will be the uk with lots of memories, just like you miss home being your parents country.

If you moved in with your parents. Would you suddenly be spending all these holidays with dh’s family? Or would they be cast out as the don’t matter relatives?

But it's not about you.

Germany? It’s not the place it used to be.

100% yes.

Also does your DD really want to go there every holiday? My DM's home country was a long way away and took a bit of saving up so that was the only place I went on foreign holidays with them and the rest of the time on bargain basement camping breaks if we went anywhere else at all. The older I got the more I resented it all.

The upshot is I haven't been there for 20 years, have no desire to go again, and spend my holidays exploring loads of other places.

I think getting your family to meet you at another destination is a good idea - could you meet up in the city where the airport is?

Sorry, it's not the point of my thread but what I meant was, if you live somewhere were university education is free, I doubt she would go to the UK and spend thousands a year if she doesn't have to.

But you went to uni in the uk.