DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

Absolutely don't have a baby with him.

It's only going to get worse.

Fucking hell, stop trying to reproduce with this weapon, whether you stay with him being a doormat or not. He already has 2 kids he’s not taking proper care of it really isn’t fair to bring another one into the equation. If you do for some reason stay with his sorry arse, stop being available to take care of those kids all the time and start going out and getting a social life or some peace away from him. If you’re busy you won’t miss him so much. But honestly you shouldn’t be putting up with this half arsed set up.

Well, his kids won't be asleep when they are older and I very much doubt he will give up his hobbies to be around them. He's trained you up for the long haul including ttc so that you are the NWTF as long as required. I also can see why his first marriage ended and if you have any sense you will follow suit.

So if you weren’t there he would have to either give up his hobby because he would have to be in the house for HIS children or have every other weekend and pay child maintenance.

But instead he can do both because he has trained you to expect not even the bare minimum.

You will be miserable in your life if you stick this out.

This in spades!!! As someone has already pointed out, you are a single parent to his kids, that in itself is absolutely batshit!

At the moment they might be asleep, so they’re what, under 8? In short order they won’t be asleep, they’ll be up and arguing with you about screen time, or wanting to go out to their own hobby (cubs, brownies, tai kwando, etc) and asking when daddy’s home or when can they go home to mummy’s. What will you do then when your “D”H refuses to give up any of his teenager lifestyle?

As for the gaming, again- look at what he does. He is doing what he wants to do. You can’t make him want to spend time with you, but you can see his behaviour for what it is: disrespectful to you, disrespectful to his kids, and incredibly selfish.

There’s a thread knocking about by a poster calls PithyBeaker whose ex behaved quite similarly to your H. When she gave him an ultimatum it quickly became apparent to her as well as everyone else that he only wanted her for her house, and her life admin. I think you are in a similar position, I’m really sorry to say, your H wants you there to babysit his kids and to provide life admin, sex, and presents (did he give you an anniversary present?).

If I’m wrong- and I hope I am- then when you tell him how concerned you are and how hurt, he’ll pull his finger out and behave like a proper husband and father. If he doesn’t do that PDQ then he’ll never do it.

The fact that HIS children are in bed when he goes out is irrelevant. You can't go anywhere because HIS children are in the house and HE goes out 4 nights a week on what's supposed to be HIS contact week. How can you not see that he is taking the p*ss OP?
You need to sort this out with him. He is already behaving like a teenager - selfish and self indulgent. DO NOT have a child with this immature individual.

Seriously - what do you think your life will look like if you have a baby with him?

Do you expect him to miraculously change?

He's a class A dick and in your shoes my vagina would have shut up shop months ago, let alone TTC with him.

Stop looking after his kids. Go find your own hobby or social life.
Leave - as it ain't gonna get any better - ever.

come ON OP. Don't be that twit.

Get rid. Do NOT have a child with this. You literally are the Nanny With the Fanny in this scenario. I bet you cook, wash and clean too?

I saw this from an experience, don’t forget that the kids get older and their bed times get later. What feels like a fairly easy task at the moment will become much more difficult when they are awake the whole time your DH is out, plus you have a baby/young child you have to do bedtime for 4 nights out of 7 (as a minimum). As others have said, please don’t have a baby with this man. He is showing you the kind of dad he is already.

I had to read that twice to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake.

So he goes out FOUR nights a week, even when his children are there and expects you to stay in and look after them.

He then spends your anniversary gaming all day, pops out from his gaming room to give you a card and then fucks off to go and do his hobby?

Absolutely atrocious. I really would warn against procreating with this man, you’ll be in for a lifetime of misery.

What a selfish bastard.

You do know your just the babysitter right? He doesn't give a shit long as someone's there to look after his kids so he can do what he wants. Don't have a baby with him.

I can't imagine why his ex left him ...

Stop babysitting when his kids are here, that's madness.

I’m not worried about the one off occasional gaming 24 hours where you get to have a spa 25 hours as well.

I AM worried that he has hobbies most nights and you’re expected to play mum to his kids every other week when you’re thinking of bringing a child into this.

You’re mad of you think he’s going to drop all his hobbies.

not mine, its an MN standard.

When his kids are there, he needs to be there with them. Doesn't matter if they're asleep. It's more controlling from his side as he's basically got you cornered into having to stay at home.

As others have said DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN

Do yourself a favour and get rid of this loser. You’re just a maid and child care to him.

He has outright told you he does not want responsibilities. He wants to be a teenager.

Why are you trying to have another child with him? He already has very young children if they are in bed before he goes out to his hobbies and he doesn’t spend the evenings with you while they are there.

All gamers in my house and we don't prioritise any hobbies over family.

Some people might be very happy with such a man. I love video games and I have many hobbies of my own, so I'd be thrilled with a partner who had plenty to keep him busy. I would be less thrilled about being his kids' babysitter.

More to the point, though, this kind of behavior is clearly incompatible with what YOU expect from a marriage, and that's really all that matters here. What I don't understand is why you married him. Did you not know what he was like?

How old is he?

Struggling to believe this is even real tbh

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

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Please run fast away. He's just not that into you and he won't change when you have a baby. It'll be your child he's abandoning to his third wife after you divorce.

If you have a baby with him you will be a solo parent. Unless he does all of the household chores before his hobbies, you are already a solo parent...