DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

[Turtleneckhead]

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

Fucking NO NO NO.
This guy is a CF of the highest order 😠

PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT TO THIS MAN AND RUN GIRL! 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

He expects you to babysit so he can swan off and do hobbies, but if you protest you are making out that his kids are a burden? Then his mother chimes in and backs him up? Hes never home to parent his own kids?
HELL NO! ❌️

HE IS USING YOU!
YOU ARE A NANNY WITH A FANNY! 😡

He wasn't arsed about your special day?
Then he openly admits that he just wants to be a teenager for a day and will send you to a spa?

Then he mocked your stutter - is that right? Wow. Just wow.
Talk about his actions making your fanny clamp shut.
He is enough to make a girl celibate! ✝️
I have the ICK just reading about him. 🤢

He has told you who he is and shown his true colours, you need to get your ducks in a row and leave this cheeky, user, loser, immature, selfish bastard of a mediocre man. 😤

He needs to be ALONE to parent HIS kids on HIS week, and sacrifice HIS hobbies to step up and be his kids father. 👍

And you deserve better. 💯
Please stop trying to shag this man.
Your life will get WORSE if you are tied to him via a biological child.

Get on birth control.
Get your ducks in a row.
Get a divorce.
Get your life back.

Don't be a martyr to this mediocre male. Trust me, he is not worth it.
You current already have 3 kids (he is the biggest one).
Please don't make another kid into this mix.
it will only end in tears.

Best of luck OP @Turtleneckhead
🫂

ETA: Do you rent /own a home together, if rent and its in your name, then he can go to his cheerleader of a mums. 🏠
If you both own the house, then could you sell the house?
Who's name is it in? 🤔
Could you go to a friend or family members to stay for a while for some breathing space?
💐

Why on earth would you want a child with him? How is this fair on them?

Ready to be shot down but adults who game is a serious manchild red flag for me

You lost me at "TTC".

Seriously. Read back what you’ve put. They are his children. I’d start making plans and go out in evenings from next week. Go on birth control. Do not get pregnant.
You are basically a nanny. Easy to see why his first relationship failed.

This!

‘Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom’

I’m furious on your behalf op! How fucking dare he!

Please do not have a baby with this man. You need to leave. You can do so much better, and you know it.

He imitated your stammer?!
and with 6 weeks off, I presume he works in a school, has had safeguarding training and knows that this behaviour in a professional environment would be an abusive, sackable offence?
Please leave. Good men don’t do this.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

No, nope, abso-fucking-lutely not. What an obnoxious, manipulative shite he is.

Get rid. In fact, get packed now, grab any important documents and get yourself
out of there.

Don’t waste your childbearing years on a man who only sees you as the babysitter for his children that he can’t be bothered to interact with.

Sorry but I disagree with that old chestnut of " you knew what you were getting when you took on a man with kids" - not all men are complete tossers

Tell me, how much is your partner paying you for babysitting?

I took on a man with two kids, when they stayed with us - he was the care giver, not me. If I wanted to go out - away I went. He was the one who stayed with them - he was the father

Not to say I didnt take on any caring, sure I fed them, did the washing/ironing. took them out etc, but I was not their babysitter - they came to spend time with him so they did

Sorry my love, but this man is taking the frigging piss out of you. He is using you for free childcare - knock it on the head now because its going to be so much harder IF you go ahead and get pregnant - you will be tied to the house 24/7 with no life of your own

Oh love, that's horrible.
I'm so sorry but it sounds like you're very convenient to sit in with his DC while he's off out doing hobbies (let me guess, gym/football/cycling?) but he can't really be arsed with YOU. He just wants a woman around to do the "wifework."
He (and his mother) are also using emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty. It'll get worse when you have a baby. Much much worse, as he'll perceive you as trapped with him.

He has shown you who he is. Get out while you still can. TTC is just going to tie you to this situation where your needs are always put last.

Pray that you are not pregnant already. Leave this man. Do you really want to live your one life like this? It will only get worse.

Op I'm so sorry, this is horrendous

When you say 'off for the 6 week holiday', are you saying this person is a teacher???

Do not ttc with this man. He’s not looking for a shared life. He’s found a convenient woman to raise the kids he can’t be fucked to raise himself. Please do it tie yourself to him. You are still young enough to have the life you actually deserve

So he’s not just a dad and a husband yet you’re a wife and not actually a mum yet but spend more time looking after his kids than he does? And while he is out doing his hobbies and you’re looking after his kids, he gets lots of me time, which you don’t get but his idea of couple time is the time all 4 of you spend as a family?
I’m honestly flabbergasted that you’d go along with this. Which part of this marriage benefits you exactly?

Tell him and his mum to fuck right off. He is just using you for childcare so he can live the life of a moronic teenager, backed up by Mommy Dearest.

Him mocking your stutter should be the final straw/wake up call. He is a truly horrible man.

He is a cruel, manipulative git. And let me tell you from experience that it’s a short step from being cruel and manipulative to being coercive, controlling, and emotionally abusive. You will lose all sense of yourself and what’s real if you let this man (and his mother) dictate what you should be thinking and doing.

It took me years to get over the damage caused by my abusive gaslighting bastard and in fact I’m still learning I don’t have to respond to certain situations in those protective ways, over a decade after the relationship ended.

I know it hurts- and I know he will do everything he can to convince you to stay- but please, please look at the number of women here saying that this isn’t right, that you deserve more than this from your partner and from the father of your children- and leave. Stay left. Divorce him. He will bring you no happiness and a ton of misery if you stay with him- for you and for any kids you have with him.

Also, this. Which I somehow missed.

he’s despicable.

You deserve so much better. You deserve respect as an absolute minimum.

Dump this manipulative childish selfish loser.

Oh dear OP. I have put up with a fair bit of shit from the father of my child being lazy and a bit rubbish over the years , I don’t have the highest bar myself so I don’t say this lightly. Your husband is extremely selfish and will not change.
I would not advise you to have a child with him at all.
If you want a different life , and I imagine you do, the best thing to do would be leave him.

Dear lord, do not have children with this manchild! He won’t change (he’s like it with his ‘old’ kids-do you want this to be your life?! Do you want this to be your future children’s life?!

This!