AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

That’s a sweeping generalisation to make based on your own anecdotal experience. Lots and lots of women have sex just because they enjoy it. Especially at 18. It’s rather puritanical to suggest women only enjoy sex inside a relationship.

Why have you taken his phone away? Is he vulnerable some how? This sounds bizarre.
All he needs to do is block numbers who are sending him unsolicited messages. How many women are hassling him? How are they getting his number? This is weird, sorry.

Your son did nothing wrong. Blunt yes, but it sounds like he was very clear.

He didn't pretend to love her/ make promises he had no intention of keeping to sleep with her - as countless men have done since the dawn of time!

I think I would move on, and tell your son to stay clear of her.

If your husband really want to, I would say something about hearing very worrying rumours of students using lies/ coercion in dangerous ways.

Plenty of people - men and women - want to go to uni free and single

Yeah, sure. You and your husband are raging (saying it's all your husband's decision is BS, you can tell you're frothing at the mouth reading your posts) and you can't wait to spread this around.

Lying about being pregnant was a terrible thing to do, no excuse for it whatsoever. Your son also sounds like a pretty unpleasant person, so maybe you should all just try to put it behind you.

I do agree I’m not saying my son is innocent in all of this. I am quite confused though as to why someone would continue pursuing someone who is not interested in them.

You’re 18 you have your whole life ahead of you. This drama starts from September, in September she kept messaging him and he told her to stop he’s not interested multiple times that’s when she started sending explicit pictures. The ages are slightly different as she was already 18 where as he turned 18.

I am shocked at the messages and it’s a conversation I will be having with my children. It’s not just this girl it’s multiple girls he has said no to many many times from the looks of the messages at least. I think he likes the attention and being able to reject girls as we have counted it’s 9 girls that have consistently tried to pursue him we’ve looked at messages on his instagram and text messages. I am very disappointed in him he’s a very very bright boy 3 A stars and an A on his A levels. Just shows you can be bright but lack maturity and common sense. I think this has taught him a lesson but I hope the lessons sticks because he’s not getting his phone anytime soon but seems to be feeling a bit better without his phone.

I grew up in a different era and you could say I’ve failed at being a parent all this happening and we had no idea. After looking at the messages I can confidently say that he has always maintained that he doesn’t like any of these girls and just wants to be left alone. Yet they keep messaging and keep insisting on wanting to see him even wanting sex and him saying no. They think that will get him to change his mind he says he’s never even asked for sex and from the messages it seems as though it is the girls that are asking and sending explicit picture. I am not sure why he is sleeping with them f he doesn’t like them but that’s another conversation to be had. I can’t stop him from having sex I can only educate him and try to understand what the hell is going on in his mind.

Surely a boy of 18 should know a girl isn't just a recepticle for his penis?

They're as bad as each other. Posh school or not. He's acted badly. Hope he learns from it.

I'm genuinely not sure if a boy who uses a woman for sex and laughs with his mates about it would actually care enough to defer his uni place because she's having an abortion. One version sounds like an arsehole, the other kind and caring. And I don't think your son is both at once.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

he is being extremely naive if he thinks he can tell young women that he just wants sex and they’ll be fine with if. Most of them will hope that they can pull him into a relationship.

So women shouldn't be taken at their word?

Your husband speaking to her school is a dick move. She is 18. She may be re-sitting one A level but she is not still being taught there, and she's an adult.
I head up the parent group at our school - that doesn't give anyone within that group special rights and whether or not he's part of it is irrelevant in this case.

Consent and understanding is one thing and I commend him for being up front, but maybe you need to be speaking to him about the misogynistic view that girls can be used for sexual gratification alone.

Moving on, when he does eventually get to uni make sure he has a good stash of condoms as he sounds like he'll be having a good time.

I agree. At the very least, her parents need to be aware. Quite frankly, this girl sounds mentally unwell, and needs help.

I am not here to say he’s an angel at all. I posted because I am just as shocked. We’ve looked at his messages and all his social media he has maintained that he doesn’t like these girls. He’s been very forward about that from the start, has told multiple girls to not send him explicit pictures albeit in a harsh way saying “I don’t like you please stop sending me pictures” etc. these messages are quite revealing. I am not proud and neither is DH. There’s clearly issues at the schools in terms of the boys and girls and how they communicate and DH just wants to raise the topic so people can speak to their children. I don’t think an 18 yo girl should be begging for sex and I don’t think he is unpleasant to say no multiple times. He could have talked to us earlier but he did not we’ve had the uncomfortable conversation now and hopefully he takes this as a lesson especially for when he goes to university. He’s just turned 18 has a lot to learn and to be honest you can blame us as parents we didn’t prepare him well.

I am quite confused though as to why someone would continue pursuing someone who is not interested in them.

This girl probably thought she just wanted casual sex too but then got emotionally attached.

Even though she was 100% in the wrong for her actions afterwards, I think it’s unfair to try and blame her for having sex with him in the first place.

One day the shoe will be on the other foot and your DS will be emotionally involved and heartbroken over a girl that doesn’t want him.
Hopefully he doesn’t do anything as stupid and vile as this girl did but he is not immune to becoming emotionally involved with someone who isn’t right for him.

And for those of us with sons, let's hope we do a better job of raising them to respect women and girls.

OP, you have released a lot of identifiable data here - your son's course, grades, approximate birthdate, hobbies, type of school attended etc. And it's his very private business.

My only thought here is, when you son says he made it quite clear to her that he was interested in casual sex only, you say he said this BEFORE they had sex but are you sure he did?

Because in this scenario, whilst I am not condoning her claims of a false pregnancy, I can see that if I slept with someone I really liked, hoping for a relationship and then he started hitting me with texts saying bluntly he did not want a relationship it was just casual sex, I can see how upsetting that might have been and maybe she wanted to teach him a lesson about what could have been.

I was once in a similar position where I whole heartedly believed a very good lifelong female friend when they got harangued by a close female friend over casual sex that she didn't believe was casual. He too showed me proof. Long story short, when I got her side many months later and saw her messages and discussion prior to sex, he had completely led her on just to bed her and then having achieved his aim, made out she was basically lying.

So be very certain before you husband takes this any further that your son is completely telling the truth.

I think your husband is a dick too.

If he is genuinely concerned, he should speak to the safeguardung officer at the girl's school.

Yeah you’re right but that’s what he did and wanted to go to the appointment with her etc. I don’t think he’s heartless but I guess we have failed as parents. I can only try my best to support him with this. He’s been quite down he’s still my child at the end of the day and we will support him I believe he’ll change for the better and take this as a lesson. He’s just turned 18 I believe he has a bit of time.

Absolutely. I seem to have managed it with DS26 and I’m hoping Ds18 will be responsible and considerate as well - but I accept that no parent can guarantee how their DC will turn out.

Not just you.... I know (some) boys/men do this often and that some women are happy with casual sex but it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth for me. If he didn't want a relationship before uni he should have settled for a wank and left the girl alone. I guess he's learnt the hard way that no strings sex isn't always that and perhaps that's a good thing.

@PithySloth its a messed up situation on both parts. Completely and utterly messed up on her side. But honestly your son shouldn’t be using women for sex. Women are not objects to be used and discarded. Women are not objects to satisfy your just with and then discard once finished with them. Unfortunately modern day attitudes and porn has taught them it’s okay to treat women like this but it is categorically not.

Hopefully this is a lesson he will learn. The casual sex lie is dangerous and often times more damaging to the woman.

She has gone about this appallingly and obviously needs help. Hopefully they’ll stay away from each other and both learn how to treat the opposite sex with respect and dignity

"Your husband speaking to her school is a dick move"

I disagree. Each college / school has a duty if care to both pupils, even if they are over 18. Plus it's best this chain of events is disclosed for his son's sake. She has fabricated a pregnancy claim - what else might she be capable of fabricating?

He has spoken to the safeguarding lead as of Monday. Maybe he’s a dick but I think he’s as shocked as me after seeing all the messages there’s clearly an issue at both schools

This thread makes no sense. He apparently has tonnes of women messaging him, he declines then then they send him nudes in desperation? And there are multiples of these desperate girls for your son? But then you’re chastising him and taking away his phone away and saying he loves attention thereby implying it’s his fault?

This is conflicting and makes zero sense.

That’s what I am thinking but everyone thinks he’s doing it as punishment or to get her in trouble that’s not the aim at all but they’ve made up their mind so I’ll leave that as that. It’s a safeguarding concern our son just turned 18 this happened whilst he was 17. It raises a lot of questions and our younger two are at the school as well so we are still involved with the school

Plenty of men and women just want sex and nothing else. I find it pathetic but it's their life.

I see a succession of young women going into my neighbour's house and spending the night (often hear them having sex during the day as he has his windows wide open).