AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I agree.

It will blow this up into something much bigger than it needs to be.

It is not seeing someone as a slab of meat to have no strings sex. I don't think clarifying up front you are not looking for a relationship and want to go to university and be single is odd, this is the type of conversation my children have had before going to university. The OP is making it sound very formal, but this is quite normal discussions to be had at this stage- a casual fling which isn't going to lead to a committed relationship is pretty standard prior to university. Most people who meet someone casually don't want to go to uni in a relationship but they are allowed to have sex!

There is no justification for lying about pregnancy and the OP's son stepped up, to his own disadvantage.

Hopefully he will learn that people don't always mean what they say and that where relationships and sex are concerned, things can get messy.

He doesn't have to be in the wrong for this to be a messy difficult situtation.

Less so at 18 I'd have thought when it's all still new and feelings are BIG.

I agree that's it odd to defer Durham when the termination would be done by the start of term. They both sound really immature frankly. She's got low self esteem and is attention seeking and he's shagging a girl he doesn't even like.
Are you quite well off? Is he getting attention because he's got a bit of money?

No but equally I don’t think it’s nice to tell them they’re being used until they find someone better, have their messages laughed at and shared with ‘mates’ etc
im a lesbian. There have been loads of times I’ve just wanted casual sex but could tell the woman was more into me than I was with them, and stepped away because I got to know them and ethics and shit. But I am much older and wiser than this boy. Hopefully he will learn with time to understand that some women are very lonely and vulnerable and feelings change fast

I agree, I hope he's learned that whilst you can say one thing, people might want something else. I also had to learn that the hard way, men can also fall for people who just want to have sex with them, and it's a sign of immaturity (I was immature) not to realise that.

So it's only the girl who get to do 'stupid impetous things'? The double standards in your post are outrageous.

So I can see your husbands pov, I think. Not going into the details or naming but identifying that in your two posh schools you’ve got an issue around explicit images, sexting, consent, adult relationships that could easily lead to STDs, exploitation, blackmail and suicide. Very disappointing that your schools sexual wellbeing curriculum has not worked and parents need to be aware what their darling boys and girls are getting up to.

Your son sounds like a piece of shit if I’m honest and your husband doesn’t sound much better. One telling women that they ‘want to find someone hotter in uni’ and the other throwing his balls around to humiliate a vulnerable teenager. Slow clap for you op.

By telling someone he's using them for sex and then using them for sex. Swapping stories with his mates who have also used the same girl for sex. It's called taking advantage.

Always the girls completely to blame though.

I am just confused that If a guy explicitly says he wants to find a “better” girl and “better looking” girl at uni to be in a relationship with. Why would you sleep with him ? I admit that is a disgusting thing to say but surely that should have been a sign for her to stop contacting him. He showed who he was from the start

I find your 'confusion' disingenuous OP. Your son is bright enough to secure a place at Durham and therefore, is bright enough to know that a girl still expressing willingness to sleep with him after he said 'he will be looking for better looking girls', is a young woman to be avoided. You know this is down to her low-self-worth. Not your son's problem, but he knows he took advantage of that by sleeping with her.

I find his attitude as troubling as her lack of self esteem tbh.

I don't agree with going to the school about this given they are 18, and it happened off school premises. But if I were her mother (i have DDs 20 and 13) I would absolutely want to know about this and see the exchange of messages you have been privy to.

I am very confident my DD's wouldn't entertain a son like yours. I shall be using what you have shared as a conversation topic later on today, reminding them of the harm both sexes can do.

I think what your son went through is awful but I also think he’s come off quite lightly.

I know girls/women who have lied about pregnancy but not admitting to lying and instead faked a miscarriage or abortion.

I know some who’ve lied about paternity and made them believe they’re the father when they’re not.

And I know some who have accused them of rape.

I don’t see anything wrong in what your son said to her.
Yes he was a bit blunt but he was honest that he just wanted sex.
I have been in situations where I’m not looking for a relationship and purely want a physical thing, so I always be sure to not lead a man on and be honest that I am not ready for a long term commitment - surely that doesn’t make me a bad person.

I think your son was a fool to defer his uni place over this. I’m still confused as to why he did this.

I wouldn’t tell her parents because she’s 18 and I’m not sure what her parents can do.
She also admitted lying so knows how wrong it is.

This is a very hard lesson for your son to learn - basically you cannot trust anyone and having carefree sex with multiple people, isn’t always as carefree as you think it is.

The girls reaction is alarming. If there was a way to have a quiet and very calm non judgemental word relaying the plain facts to one of her parents that would be good, because as a mother of girls I would want to know if one of them had done this so we could have a chat about that kind of carry on. But... I realise the potential for such a chat backfiring is immense so it would need a brave soul to do it. Also not every parent is like me and it appears many believe their child is always completely blameless and don't want to know or get very angry if anyone suggests otherwise.

Just keep screenshots of the messages and timeline and when he told you etc. Still reeling from my good friend living several months of false accusations from a young girl towards her son which culminated in saying he had raped her even when at the time she said it happened they were not together and he was out of the country. The whole school knew but fortunately most knew she was a fabulist in general. However, her own mother did the right thing and believed her daughter so there was chance they were going to the police. Friend's son had kept all messages including ones where she admitted she was going to lie and say he had done this. Still it was a horrible time for him and thankfully he has finally moved on to a nice girlfriend. He recognises now when dealing with someone who is dramatic and overly needy etc. and has learnt a lot from his very first experience. I think you son will have too.

having 4 boys maybe you have been spared the diet of fairy tales and romcoms where the person you have feelings for does an about turn once they really get to know you. Lots of films and story lines in soaps about this. Frozen was a relief in reminding girls to "let it go" but is actually a minority. This stuff can get in girls' (and womens'!) heads and grow if there is a basis there from their life experiences without enough good role models or help with emotional regulation. Or they can just really really want to be able to have casual sex but they can't because they fall. Maybe the way chemicals work make it harder for girls. Have a read of this study for instance https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5731847/ Consequences of Casual Sex Relationships and Experiences on Adolescents’ Psychological Well-Being: A Prospective Study

your son also heard what he wanted to hear. He knew already of her rep of being confused emotionally but he wanted casual sex so he heard what he wanted to hear rather than looking at her as the whole person she is.

It's a lesson for both of them. Try to take your anger out of it and think of this girl with care. She must be having an absolute nightmare with each episode of this type of behaviour making her be more rejected and then potentially more vulnerable to repeating her pattern. Don't come up with disaster scenarios that she will accuse of him of assault. Help him to get on with his life and not be pushed anti women by this but to develop that responsible side he has demonstrated.

Agreed. I’d hit the roof with my two if they took this view.

Yes, her behaviour is wholly unacceptable, but please tell him that he is being extremely naive if he thinks he can tell young women that he just wants sex and they’ll be fine with if. Most of them will hope that they can pull him into a relationship.

I had to deal with a dispute arising from this kind of behaviour on a field trip overseas. The male was my student, the woman my colleague’s. Yes, she was in the wrong in what she did (stole something from him) but I essentially told him to not be so bloody stupid to think women would be fine with this, whatever was said in the heat of the moment. His mates told him the same, apparently.

Do you think this a new thing? Do you think women/girls don’t sometimes have sex just because they enjoy it and they want to? (Spoiler alert: they do)

Yeah. She was wrong. No two ways about it. But he also made a lot of bad choices JUST because he wanted a shag.

He needs to think with his head, not his penis. Hopefully, this will have taught him this lesson, once and for all.

In my experience it's usually these sorts that later fall apart when the girl matches their lack of interest

Have you never had a FWB or something similar?

I have and I’m always explicit at the beginning that I’m not looking for a relationship, purely just sexual.
I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on and pretend I’m looking for more when I’m not.

It would not be my fault if they then developed feelings as I was honest from the beginning.

Some do, most don’t. I know one woman who enjoys having FWB sex. No one else.

Do not report her! He is an adult & apparently responsible enough to be having casual sex but he’s showing mummy & daddy his stash of condoms (weird) you are too involved in it. I work with young adults & my colleagues & I are fed up with ‘concerned’ parents of adults contacting us about nonsense & babying their kids. It’s done now, it was a huge mistake & a cruel one but draw a line under it & move on.

This! At last someone is speaking sensibly

No need to report anyone or have a word or anything, it is sorted out the best it can be, not sure why he deferred either, can he start somewhere else this year?

Do not press this situation further, something worse than her saying she's pregnant might happen. Consider he played a silly game and won silly prizes.

Yes of course some do and some don’t, just as some men aren’t into casual sex. You might only know one woman who enjoys it but that’s not an accurate representation of all women. I’d also be surprised if every woman you know is telling you the details of what they enjoy sexually!

"Hoping it'll turn into something more. She was wrong yes, absolutely but so was he for taking advantage.
Maybe he needs to learn his lessons about casual.sex and knock it off in future if he doesn't want the drama."

That's some nice "slut" shaming. She's a consenting adult at 18 and we're t not in the 1950's anymore....