AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

"And for those of us with sons, let's hope we do a better job of raising them to respect women and girls."

Stop being such a misandrist. Plenty of women have fwb or fuck buddy arrangements and they are common threads on here. I guess you post on them "they should have been better raised to respect men and boys?"

It’s good you have decent children I clearly don’t and it’s been a lesson for us as parents to be more proactive. I guess we’ve always been lenient with him, he’s a liked boy at the school, sporty and academic enough to get A stars yet we haven’t done our job in terms of educating him well enough about sex, consent, vulnerabilities etc.

lets stop making excuses for her lies. ADHD, vulnerable, immature etc.

She told a massive lie. Shame on her.

Why is it pathetic? If I were single and didn't want a relationship, it's what I'd do. I mean, these days I'd actually prefer cake, but you get the idea.

Then he needs to make confidential appointments with the head teachers of both schiols if he is unhappy with the safeguarding lead's respone.

Evwn if he doesnt name the girl, she will be identified. Look at the judgement on this thread to your son.

Friends and parents, may not say it to your face, but they will think it.

Lesson learnt there he only wanted sex she obviously wanted a relationship. Probably best not to just sleep with in those circumstances.

You need to tell your son in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as just sex because there is always a risk of pregnancy and he should take this into account every time he has sex. He also needs to be told that having sex releases hormones in women that make them want a close connection with the male to continue. So for very few women it is just sex. And especially not for teenagers.

You are vastly minimising his bad attitude here. He’s not just “no angel”. He’s a misogynist and no decent women will want him if they know what he is really like.

Focus on him and his attitude and not the girl.

Your husband is seriously overstepping. This is a family matter, not a school matter. Both teens are 18, both have left, and whatever drama has happened between them is something the families need to deal with privately.

Trying to drag the school into an adult relationship issue is inappropriate and would make him look ridiculous and frankly unhinged!

A fake pregnancy claim is unpleasant, but it’s still a private issue. The school has no role in it, no responsibility, and no authority.

His position on the parents’ association means nothing here. It doesn’t give him any special duty, any safeguarding role, or any right to “report” something that has nothing to do with the school. It would be completely outside the scope of the role and come across as him misusing his position.

He needs to step back and keep this where it belongs: between the families involved. The school should not be dragged into it, and he should not be inserting himself into something that has absolutely nothing to do with his committee role.

See the plot of Jude the Obscure.

I knew a woman who did this. It was horrible for all concerned. I assumed she had mental health problems. YANBU

That’s fair enough but it is still a safeguarding issue regardless of how the judge us. We have younger children at the school there’s been very explicit photos send even after my son has said no many times even begging them to just leave him alone. One he blocked and she created 4 fake accounts to get in touch with him multiple times. I am not saying he’s an angel but I believe he can also be a victim in a situation where he asked a girl if she’s on contraception (via text) she said yes, he also used a condom then she fakes a pregnancy. I am not sure how he could have gone about this other than not have sex with her but that has happened we cannot go back in time. Two things can be true and none of my posts are saying he is an angel and can’t do anything wrong of course he can but he was also 17 when these things were going on. Clearly not mature enough to have sex and hopefully he takes this as a lesson.

Why all the hate for OPs son. He made his intentions clear and maybe we don't all agree with casual hookups but they happen and I went to uni in the 90s and it happened then. And shock horror some girls also want nostrings attached casual sex.
@PithySloth your son has learned a valuable lesson but a shame he deferred his year.

If you are sure that your son has learned from this sad experience, after your three hour chat, then I would just let it go now.

He wasn’t in a relationship with the girl so I wouldn’t try to intervene with her school unless you or husband are fairly sure that there is a safeguarding issue.

The girl made a bad mistake when she realised that her sexual charms weren’t enough to hold onto him. And consequently her self esteem was so badly bruised. Be thankful that she admitted that it was a lie. it could have gone on and become much worse.

Make sure your boy knows that for his parents, this incident is now well in the past and that his future is positive, exciting and bright. Let him know you love him very much in spite of this incident and will always be there for him and his siblings.

I’m not clear on the purpose of your post. It sounds like the episode is over. He’s come out unscathed after a bit of a fright and will hopefully be more responsible in future. The moral of the story is don’t sleep around and don’t mess about with a girl who clearly wants to date you, unless you want to date her.

I think it’s easy to guess her mindset. She was infatuated with your son and lied repeatedly in the hope that he might fall for her. She lied to have sex with him and lied about the pregnancy. She shouldn’t have done it, but teenagers do stupid things. Both of them in this case.

All is well that ends well. They are both adults. Her future plans are none of your husband’s business and he should not interfere.

He didn't lie to her, it was her choice. Where did you get the 'swapped stories with his mates'? If she didn't want to have sex on such a casual.basis, she shouldn't have done so. I don't know why you are blaming him for her actions.

"It's natural for a woman to want to bring loive things into the world".

Brilliant book.

In the words of MN, you don't have a girl problem, you have a dear son problem.

Why are some saying she has ADHD? I am confused what ADHD has got to do with this. Also I never mentioned adhd and I don’t know if she does have adhd that’s not information I have.

We think it is a safeguarding issue after seeing the messages.

He didn't 'mess her around'. He just didn't do as she wished.

You have misquoted me.

I've told bits and pieces of this story before on here, but never the whole thing, partly because I don't come off particularly well, but mainly because it was a horrible experience and I really don't like thinking about that stretch of my life.

I met my first girlfriend during my first year of uni. Within about 3 months it had become clear that she had a very traumatic past, was quite mentally unwell, and was self medicating with alcohol.

I was woefully unequipped with the life experience to deal with this. I tried to talk her into going to her GP, she wasn't a student otherwise I'd have talked to the uni as well. I decided I needed to get out of the relationship. She got wind that I was planning on splitting up with her, and next thing I knew she was pregnant. She had an abortion and I lost the courage to split. When I was nearly ready to do it again, suprise, another pregnancy, another abortion.

(Why was I still sleeping with her? Because I was young, and stupid, and honestly it was easier than dealing with the meltdowns that would occur when I didn't.)

This time I didn't buckle and ended it. What followed was weeks of 3am phone calls, hammering on my door etc. My housemates were not pleased. About 3 months in, she turned up in the middle of the night drunk and I caved, let her in, talked and let her sleep in my bed while I kipped in a housemates room. I went to lectures the next morning to find she'd destroyed everything. Cut up my clothes, scratched my CDs, drawn on my posters and tipped a can of beans on my bed.

Another couple of months and I hear from a mutual friend that there were complications from the abortions and she'd had to have a hysterectomy. I didn't know what to believe by this point. The harassment had stopped after the room destruction and I was trying to forget she existed.

Another month, I get a phone call about 11pm. I answer and it's her. She's slurring, beyond drunk and talking about not being here any more and wanting to say Bye. I managed to get out of her that she's taken something and call an ambulance. Somehow she convinces them she's fine and I get a call saying she's in no danger, followed by a another call from her calling me every name under the sun. I call mutual friend in desperation and then wash my hands of it, honestly kind of hoping she'd die. Friend goes round, finds door unlocked and goes in to find my ex passed out. Gets her into hospital and stomach pumped.

That was the last time I ever heard from her.

I spent the next couple of years absolutely terrified of any woman who showed an interest in me. I had a fair few one night stand, mostly after uni when I went travelling for a year and knew there was no chance of any further connection with someone. It took a good 3 years before I met a girl at a concert and promptly fell head over heels before I felt able to properly have a girlfriend again.

I bumped into the mutual friend about 10 years after uni. My ex is apparently sober, has her own successful business, and has 2 kids. That yes, are her own and she was pregnant with. So the hysterectomy at least was a lie, I don't know about the abortions. The mix of relief and utter anger I felt at her is hard to describe.

@PithySloth This is going to affect your son. It'll likely always be in the back of his mind somewhere, but that doesn't mean that he's never going to be able to have a decent relationship going forwards.

Your OP was too long. It happens, it happened since the beginning of time, it’s not great but usually said by someone who is vulnerable.
Valuable lesson. Do not offer seconds or an evening invite only, if you don’t want to upset people.
He should have noted they were not on the same page before they had sex. He is immature too, they’ll learn the hard way.

"That’s what I am thinking but everyone thinks he’s doing it as punishment or to get her in trouble"

Perhaps posters who say this are projecting....plenty of women complain to employers, police, professional organisations when they argue with a stranger or low level employee

The safeguarding lead may decide there is no further action needed but that is their decision. For your son's sake if is worth having the incident documented. Keep screenshots of the text exchanges for peace of mind

He's an 18 year old adult, take a step back. He's deferred a year not died. Let your adult son deal with girl problems himself or you'll end up micromanaging his whole life.