AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

If he’s getting unsolicited nudes from girls he hasn’t requested, they are breaking the law.

Not at all and we have saved all those messages. Trust me we are not happy about it at all.

He has only just turned 18, we have taken his phone off him as we are looking through everything. We know he’s not an angel at all but the reoccurring theme is him telling these girls he doesn’t want or like them and to stop contacting albeit he says it in a much harsher way

There’s a whole industry of hook up —dating—apps for men and women who just want sex.

Kind of different, pleading your belly to get out of a possibly life threatening sentence and making up a pregnancy without understanding how badly that could play out for the other party.

She’s not a young girl legally she’s an adult. This is deeply manipulative behaviour and inexcusable. I hope she realises lying will not get her what she wants .
Your son could contact uni to get his place back even at this late stage- it’s worth a try.
As for the AT references good grief these are two young adults having consensual sex. AT was a criminal people trafficker.

No, it isn't 'a bit Andrew Tate'. He is 18!

That’s what DH has said which is why we have his phone and ipad for now.

Contacting the parents and school, go on, embarass yourself something rotten.

OP if your DH jumps on this, I’d be concerned that will actually be her next move?

Let it go and focus on your DS.

Maybe since they're young you and your husband shouldn't be viewing their explicit photos meant for the eyes of the person they're intended for either....

She shouldn't have faked a pregnancy.. But getting her parents involved after youve viewed her explicit photos will probably go completely opposite to the way you're expecting it to.

You don't know her family. Especially if she's vulnerable, could be a bad home life. What about how her dad react to his daughter being viewed and shared publicly as a piece of meat?

You could be inviting trouble directly to your door there. But you want your pound of flesh, go for it, don't pretend your doing it for "awareness"

If any of them are underage, that's potentially a serious crime ... on both ends if the boys are keeping the pictures and not reporting them

And the broader sense includes to entrap a lover...

He absolutely should not do that.

Interesting that you got 'she's vulnerable' from this. I got 'she's a serial pregnancy fantasist best avoided.' I have no doubt she is making herself as unhappy as she possibly can, but pursuing guys who don't like her is something only she can change.

How did he 'take advantage'? I'm sorry but why are people both siding this? She is 100% in the wrong.

Plenty of women/girls do the same.

My neighbour is wanting a relationship and yet all the girls he meets only want sex.

I find it both sad and pathetic

I'm amazed your DH thinks contacting the school is a good idea. I'd be looking askance and thinking he was abusing his position.

Highly inappropriate with pretty grimy motives.

YANBU to be angry that the girl lied, but I wouldn't involve the school. The main thing is to try to make sure your son has learned his lesson here, as you seem to think he has. He can want sex all he wants, but that doesn't make it a good idea or even acceptable to sleep with women he doesn't care about. Men (even young ones) can survive without casual sex, so I'm not filled with sympathy on that score. Sleeping with a woman you don't particularly even like comes with heavy risks, including unwanted pregnancy and inviting craziness into your life.

Yes, he should have gotent to know her a lot better before sex.

Yes, some people have sex for solely pleasure and walk away. Many don't. He's obviously not old enough to understand that yet so sex should probably be off the table for now. For his sake as much as anyone else's.

@Springtimeinsunshine what bullshit

Men.. and women... are allowed to want no strings sex. He was clear about this - and she went ahead anyway. To compare him to Andrew Tate - a man accused of rape and violence towards women - is outrageous.

He used protection - but no protection is fail safe and when he thought there might be a pregnancy, he stepped up and offered her support...we see on MN daily that many, many men do not do that.

@PithySloth You've raised a good man and I'm sorry that he has been deceived in this way.

I don’t think you should do this! What will it achieve?

She could have faked losing the baby but instead, eventually owned up to the lie. Yes it was a shitty thing to do, awful, but I think you all need to move on from this.

I'd be inclined to see this as a blessing in disguise tbh.

Obviously this girl's behaviour wasn't ideal but it sounds like your son has a hell of a lot of growing up to do and needs to learn
how to treat women like sentient beings rather than slabs of meat.

Telling her he wasn't interested all those times, that he wanted to meet someone 'better' or more attractive...then sleeping with her anyway because he could? Absolutely vile...disrespectful, arrogant and foolish in the extreme.

I hope he and you as his parents take this opportunity of a year out to get him on a very steep learning curve otherwise god only knows what kind of situations he's going to get caught up in at universIty.

It is pretty common these days for young men and women to have sex before they are even boyfriend and girlfriend, that's called hooking up and people do it all the time, being asked to be a 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' is a whole other stage of relationship.

I don't make the rules, but lots of 18 year old girls do not want to settle down with every man they have sex with.

Yanbu people are allowed to have casual sex, he made it clear to her at the start that was all it was going to be.. She could have any point told him she wasn't interested.
He used protection, your boy isn't in the wrong, she sounds like she's got mental health problems and I would be furious my ds lost his uni place.
She's clearly not the victim in this scenario.

While I agree that what the girl did was absolutely abhorrent, I hope this experience have taught your son to not use women for his own sexual gratification. Even if the girl is a willing participant, every time you jump into bed with someone of the opposite sex there's a risk of pregnancy. If you don't see yourself having a baby with someone, you shouldn't sleep with them. Casual sex is never casual if there are serious risks involved.