AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Its kind of gross to only want to use a person for sex and expect that they can control their feelings and prevent themselves from feeling anything more. She was a bigger twat, but he was still a callous twat.

He had a fling with a nutter. Now he knows to get to know people better before risking pregnancy with them.

I think the foolish part about reporting this, is that the girl will be compelled to push her side of the story. Which may be messy for the boy.

It would have been better to take take it as a hard lesson learned about the complexity and seriousness of sex. It’s never casual. And breathe a sigh of relief that she actually wasn’t pregnant. The boy got away clean with no lasting damage to his future.

Instead, once the girl is cornered, humiliated, and possibly facing legal consequences, she may come out swinging. Expect to hear: he asked me for nudes. He badgered me for them. We were sleeping together, I trusted him, I thought we were in a relationship. He shared private pictures with his friends without my permission. My period was late, I thought that I was pregnant, I was really scared. Etc. The texts are not the full story, the two were clearly meeting face to face, and that creates room for he said, she said uncertainty.

All this vindictive spite by the parents could rebound on the boy. Or the younger boys. Parents at the girls school may be scandalised and gossip about the girl. They will also gossip about the boy and his family. A bit of mud will stick to the younger brothers who have done no wrong, but their older brother’s behaviour isn’t what anyone wants for their own daughter. So their will be a hint of suspicion and protectiveness following the younger brothers when they try to interact with the girls.

What the girl did was out of order but your son doesn’t paint himself in glory here either. Yes, casual sex can be okay if both are fully into it, but even though this girl agreed to casual, it’s quite obvious from just what you’ve written here that she’s very vulnerable with low self esteem.

She probably really liked him and hoped he’d change bis mind or she could convince him to enter into something serious with her, and I think this would have been pretty obvious to him before they slept together so he has taken advantage of her needing to be liked/loved and noticed.

His rejection would have made her feel shit about herself. ‘He liked her physically but wasn’t interested in a relationship with her and wanted to meet others at uni’ sounds fucking horrible and as if he has used her as a plaything but she’s no good for anything beyond. If he wanted casual, he could have picked someone who fully understood that and was 100% up for that.

He says he did and she wasn't pregnant so it worked. What lesson learnt?

Unpopular opinion but you are overly involved and don't seem to realise your son is half of the problem.

Yes, the lie was completely wrong.

But I have no idea why supporting her through a termination required your son to defer a year of university, or why you are trying to control things and get involved now when he's said he's happy with the decision to defer.

Perhaps he will learn that there is risk of both pregnancy and feelings with any sexual interaction and not get involved with someone who obviously wants more. Most girls are not happy to be used for sex and forgotten.

It's mumsnet, it doesn't matter what a girl/woman did, the boy/man will always be in the wrong. Women having one night stands is championed on here, but reverse the roles and it's "men using women for sex" even when they're crystal clear on what it is-and the woman didn't have to agree.

Now we know why young men have a sense of entitlement because their mommies are backing their bad behaviour. I would be disgusted if it was my son. There is a moral code of right & wrong this was wrong. If this gets out in public he is going to get such grief. Not saying her behaviour was right either.

Sorry OP but why do you keep repeating this comment? Do you not have your own opinion on this? Is it just whatever your husband says cause he’s in the association?!

“I am just confused that If a guy explicitly says he wants to find a “better” girl and “better looking” girl at uni to be in a relationship with. Why would you sleep with him ? I admit that is a disgusting thing to say but surely that should have been a sign for her to stop contacting him. He showed who he was from the start”

Is that really what your son has said to her?!

If yes then your son is a nasty little shit. Your husband sounds like an utter misogynist bully. I feel sorry for the girl. Yes she was wrong to lie about the pregnancy.

You’re readily extrapolating lying about a pregnancy to lying about assault, but you seem to fail to make the connection between building self esteem at formative years and not having it crumble down and lead to eating disorders or self hate or body dysmorphia through some shitty comment that someone made after they had sex with you.

What a delightful son you've raised- already no respect for women and only sees them as objects to use for his pleasure. Right little andrew tate and all that's wrong with young men! I'd be absolutely ashamed if I had a son and he such such little respect for women!

Yeah the girl shouldn't have done what she did but draw a line here!

Lots of wisdom here.

You're not making your son or husband look too good here. The son seems like an arrogant lying misogynist who uses women for sex and he knows that his parents will back him up no matter what he does no matter how wrong it is you will defend him.
The dad sounds like a bully who uses his position to intimidate people.
You're perfect lawyer husband could be in trouble by looking at pictures of nude underage girls on the sons phone

So far as I can tell:

• she repeatedly expressed an interest;
• he initially said "not interested" (including in a very unkind way);
• he eventually agreed to sex, but was clear he did not want a relationship;
• they had safe sex;
• she continued to pursue him, and kept sending explicit images despite his request that she stop;
• this undoubtedly crossed over into harassment;
• she lied about pregnancy (which, it seems, she has form for);
• he was supportive any deferred his university plans due to the lie about pregnancy.

I don't think you can hold a 17 year old to a standard of perfection, and the way he expressed his initial disinterest was shitty.

If you reversed the genders (and so eliminated the pregnancy lie) we'd all be horrified at the behavior.

As it stands, I see a 17 year old who had sex after something of a pressure campaign, but still made abundantly clear he was only interested in a casual encounter. They had a casual encounter, using protection. He was then harassed. He was then lied to about pregnancy, and did his best to be supportive.

Please - and I mean this sincerely as there are a lot of OP posts and I may genuinely have missed something - what am I missing?

This.
I'm wondering if it was a convenient excuse to delay uni for a year.

My guess is that it was a genuine pregnancy scare initially, but she then carried it on (like not admitting that her period had showed up after all) and he shit himself about it.

Is HE angry about it? Hopefully it's a life lesson for him in always wrapping up.
Unfortunately unplanned pregnancy happens even when using contraception, so maybe he needs to realise that unless he remains celibate, there is always a chance life will throw a (genuine pregnancy) curve ball.

Also this.

I think it's pretty tragic of him to be thinking of it as "just sex" like it's no big deal

This is nuts.
THEY ARE 18! They are adults.

Not your circus. And thankfully there's no actual grandchild produced from this.

Sorry, but your talking like they're a couple of 14 year olds!

What she done is absolutely not okay. But I don't get why you're so invested and on a witch hunt. He dodged a bullet, or maybe she did too...!

But he did use a condom and she admitted she lied.

I dont get why we're just changing the story?

Okay see you seem intent on getting a wooden spoon out and declaring this to the schools association.

Consider your Sons dignity here.
They are 18 years old. ADULTS.
Mummy and Daddy don't need to go getting other people involved so that the woman (that you keep referring to as a girl?) gets a telling off.

Cut the apron strings. Support your son, but not by seeking some kind of vigilante justice because Daddy has connections.

Grow up!

I'm sure your son has learnt.
And the woman.. well she's clearly not well, is she.

Obviously all teenage girls should remain celibate unless they're having deep meaningful sex every single time (like everyone on mumsnet apparently) then as well...

This is getting weirder.

So a year ago, your Son said he was not interested? But yet he still had sex with her?
Maybe he needs to learn some boundaries and self-respect himself then.

I don't understand why you're so invested in this.
He is 18 years old.
You are harping on like he's this poor helpless of 12-14!!

So a year ago, your Son said he was not interested? But yet he still had sex with her?
Yes - if the sexes were the other way around, we'd call it coercion, followed by harassment.

And he wasn't 18 years old at the time (and I'm not clear that she was when she first started sending the images, either).

I keep seeing more and more of your replies and my jaw is on the floor.

Your darling Son...he is absolutely not emotionally mature enough to be having sex.
Legally he's an adult. But mummy and daddy are taking his phone away.

Get him some therapy so HE can work on his boundaries. He's chasing highs in all the wrong places and also sounds vulnerable, given that he can't say no or use the block facility.

I think you need to redirect your anger from this woman, to your own home and son situation.
He sounds incredibly emotionally immature and I think that actually this gap year will be divine timing, to give him chance to mature, learn healthy boundaries and for you two to help him function as an adult.
He doesn't sound atall ready for uni life IMO

I suspect it was a very convenient excuse that came at the perfect time.

My betting is that uni is being pushed (so he can be just like Daddy with a high flying career) and that actually this young man doesn't actually want to go....

Is anyone else starting to find this poster really creepy?

I shouldn't have posted before reading OPs replies, as that was quite the drip-feed.

Well at least it's all in hand now.

Yes social media is terrifying for our young people and sometimes causes more harm than good.

I'm glad your Son spoke to you. Make sure he knows he can speak to you and DH regardless of how embarrassed or shamed he feels, about anything.
It's horrible to think he was struggling with all this for so long and shows the importance of people being mature enough and boundaried enough to use social media platforms.

Good luck OP..hard pill to swallow when your eyes are opened to your kids transition to adulthood and the vulnerabilities that go with that. 🥺