AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

That’s not what you said . I quote you….

PithySloth · Today 15:16
Oh sorry I missed that. The safeguarding lead as they will need to take the phones since this a police matter and a lot of involved online/social media accounts. The other family’s parents have been contacted they’re aware of what is going on but no update as of yet as it was reported Monday

You said the safeguarding lead would “take the phones”, but the phone in question belongs to an 18‑year‑old adult.

Safeguarding leads have no legal authority to confiscate or retain an adult’s personal device, even if you claim it’s a “police matter.”

Safeguarding powers only apply to children under the school’s care, not adults, and not adult property. They cannot seize evidence, hold devices, or act as intermediaries for police investigations.

That part of your story contradicts basic safeguarding procedure and the legal limits of school staff.

That really confuses me too. Might as well have me forced to give my phone to the school safeguarding lead in question, surely?

His mate had already been there & did the same to him. Wonder if the whole group were having a go. I was doing some research with pregnant teenagers some girls were being passed round a group of friends, with the leading bf threatening to dump her if she didn’t sleep with his friends. Yes she consented still not right though it’s classed as abuse. She was 15yrs old.

Surely the only people taking phones should be the police? Not the school!?

The timeline of what you’ve said doesn’t match up.

At 9am today you stated that you hadn’t contacted anyone at all. Later on, you changed this and said your husband had contacted the safeguarding lead on Monday, which directly contradicts your earlier statement.

You also said on page 31 that your husband “has reported it to the police,” but that is the only time you mention any police contact actually happening.

On other pages you only say the police were going to be involved, not that they already were.

Then on page 32 at 15:16 you wrote:

“The safeguarding lead as they will need to take the phones since this a police matter…” even though the phone belongs to an 18‑year‑old adult. A safeguarding lead has no legal authority to confiscate or retain an adult’s personal device, regardless of whether you describe it as a police matter.

Again Safeguarding staff cannot seize evidence, cannot hold adult property, and cannot act as intermediaries for police investigations.

When you put all of this together, the timeline you’ve given contradicts itself at every stage.

I think if your DH shares this he’s just gossiping about the girl. Most likely to explain why his ‘clever’ son is not yet in University. Bat away the shame maybe.

Your son has left the school. Let the girl - and at 17 she is - move on from her lie / mistakes. It shouldn’t be public knowledge. Your son’s decision to defer is on him. Gossiping will humiliate him too.

Oh btw: I was being sarcastic about the fundraiser!

I'm intrigued about where this 'vulnerable' narrative has come from too.

Concocting a false pregnancy to the point the boy considers suicide and drops out of Uni to support screams calculating, not vulnerable.

It’s funny the way there is a narrative that women can enjoy sex and sleep around the same as men yet when a post like this comes up people are coming to the defence of this woman to say she was “used”. It’s indefensible to invent a pregnancy for a start. And it’s also misogynistic to suggest a women who was hurt by the suggestion of a sexual relationship with no strings attached was “used” when the man was perfectly upfront about it

I think it was calculated too, but probably not maliciously, just a 17 year old besotted with the young lad who desperately wanted him to be her bf and to not head off to Uni. Stupid girl. Doesn’t mean she should now be humiliated. More pitied.

Now that the lad knows the truth, put it behind him and get himself off to Uni and not sleep around.

Im dyslexic, I use a voice to text command app (Voibe) that helps me “write”

I don’t understand this post in the context of later posts.

That’s what I took from it.

He’s learned a lesson and so has she.

Being an older teen/adult is difficult.

But you can be reassured you have a son who takes his responsibilities seriously.

It’s not really easy to put someone inventing a pregnancy behind you. It’s extremely traumatic .

But if the tables were turned people would be baying for the boys blood. They are now, and he hasn't even done anything wrong. If the girl is immature enough to try to ruin someone's life like this she certainly isn't too old for a stern talking to from her parents, who should be the first port of call for OP. If she can't behave like an adult then she should be treated like a child.

The boy is perfectly entitled to have no-strings sex. It's not my thing, but as long as he continues to be open and honest about what he wants, what's the issue?

But because you say so, we’re all supposed to believe that a safeguarding lead who is on annual leave, who doesn’t work at the adult girl’s school, who has no authority over an 18‑year‑old, and who has already phoned the girl’s parents in direct breach of KCSIE… is then going to confiscate her phone, take it to the police, and insert herself into an adult woman’s private life.

And all of this for a situation that is not urgent, not an immediate emergency, and doesn’t meet any threshold for safeguarding intervention.

On top of that, your claim that the school “won’t allow her to resit her A‑levels” is nonsense.

Schools cannot deny an adult access to education because of something that happened off‑site, out of hours, and unrelated to their provision.

Adults and children are entitled to education; the school has no authority to remove her from a course because of a private matter.

What would actually happen is a safeguarding strategy meeting (or a risk assessment meeting), where they look at the facts, assess any risk, and put proportionate protocols in place.

Nothing you’ve described matches safeguarding law, school policy, or professional practice.

The issue here is simple: none of what you’re describing is grounded in safeguarding law, school policy, or reality. It’s not believable just because you’ve decided to state it.

I feel for him and her in this situation. Lessons learned all round. Hopefully your son thinks twice about casual sex in the future or he could end up with a real bunny boiler. Still at least take some comfort that he was responsible enough to do the right thing by this girl. He got off lightly fortunately.

It’s lessons learned for both parties. Don’t think the authorities needed to be involved or the PTA 😂

The girl was stupid for faking the pregnancy for attention.
The boy was stupid for putting his Uni education on hold for said pregnancy.

Just stupid teenagers. They’re not the first and won’t be the last. The parents of both should deal with it quietly, I’m sure the teenagers already want to hide under a rock with embarrassment from the whole ordeal which is now going viral thanks to OP and her DH.

Yes but maybe the shock that it could actually happen will make him more careful in the future so that he doesn’t end up with an unwanted child and be tied to a woman from a casual relationship for the rest of his life.

This blip in his life could actually save him from future stupidity.

I agree . I think it’s sage advice for young men to take contraception into their own hands being honest .

I don’t think the OP will get the comeuppance she’s expecting by reporting this to the police as the reality is very different.

The school meeting only happens if the police decide to pursue legal action — and given the current state of the system, that outcome is extremely unlikely.

She was 17 when some of the unwanted sexual messages were sent, and 18 for others.

She was in a relationship with him, and she is now harassing him and sending unwanted sexual images. That behaviour can be reported, but it sits very low on the police priority scale compared to the cases already waiting.

And this is where the reality needs to be stated plainly: your husband is a solicitor, so he will already know the state of the UK’s police and digital‑forensics backlogs.

Forces across the country have publicly confirmed that device analysis is now taking years, even in cases involving registered sex offenders.

Phones and laptops routinely sit in queues for two to three years before they’re examined.

That is the national picture.

Because of that, cases like this — two young people, no physical contact, and no immediate safeguarding risk — are automatically classed as very low priority.

Even if the police accept the report, it will sit behind thousands of higher‑risk cases already waiting. It will not produce the outcome she’s expecting, and it certainly won’t move quickly.

So sadly, while I do understand her position, the reality is that police action is theoretically possible, but practically very unlikely — and anything that did happen would take years.

That’s simply the state of the system right now.

After RTFT I have somewhat changed my perspective on this - previously I had been critical of your son, thinking he was just using a girl but I think it is more complicated than that. He did use her but, @PithySloth, has he said why he did so after repeatedly turning her down?The reason I am asking is because I feel he has been harassed by this girl and I wonder if he naively thought she would go away once he'd slept with her. The whole thing has a ring of coercion to it although I think perhaps he has tried to feel in control by saying it would only be casual, checking her contraceptive status and making offensive remarks about waiting for someone better. I think he can be simultaneously vulnerable to the patriarchal shit around casual sex and vulnerable to harassment and manipulation by an obviously somewhat disturbed girl/young woman. It's such a shame he did not seek advice from you much, much earlier. I totally agree that this is a safeguarding concern and particularly if there is a wider culture of this in the schools then the schools need to address it as well as support the girl.

Contacting the network provider is pointless.

They cannot stop someone sending messages, block a number for you, intervene in harassment, warn a customer, or act on threats or sexual content.

The only time a network provider is involved is when the police request metadata through a formal legal process. If the police are already handling it, Vodafone has no role at all.

The only thing a network provider can do for the victim is process a number change, and even that doesn’t require “contacting Vodafone” in the way you’re describing.

You just request a PAC code and move the number to a new SIM. It has nothing to do with the harassment investigation and doesn’t affect the police case in any way.

The correct route is reporting, documenting the messages, and letting the police handle the digital evidence.

It might not move quickly which can be distressing for the perpetrator but it won’t be ignored.

Cyberflashing—sending an unsolicited photo or video of genitals without permission via text, dating apps, or proximity-based sharing like AirDrop—is a specific criminal offense in the UK. Under Section 66A of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 perpetrators face up to two years in prison, fines, and potential placement on the sex offenders register.

Unfortunately with online crimes the evidence is very much there and can’t be denied. They can see it before devices are examined by device analysis. She can be prosecuted in the youth court and as an adult once 18. She sent unwanted sexual pictures to a child.

She was not in a relationship with him.

This type of thing is treated with increasing gravity and is now legally recognised as a serious form of digital violence and sexual harassment.

All children and teens should be made aware.

Yes, it is a serious offence in both periods.

When she was 17, sending sexual images to a minor is treated as youth sexual‑communication offending.

When she turned 18, continuing to send sexual content without consent becomes an adult offence, including cyberflashing and harassment. The change in age doesn’t lessen the seriousness; it simply means the police consider the youth offending and adult offending separately.

The part people often underestimate is the policing timeline. Digital‑forensics units across the UK are dealing with extremely large backlogs, and device examinations frequently take well over a year and, in many forces, several years. That delay is due to national resourcing, not because the offence is viewed as minor.

Police prioritise cases by assessed risk. Immediate danger, coercion, exploitation, or vulnerable victims are placed at the top of the queue.

Online sexual communication between teenagers, even when unlawful, is usually categorised as lower‑risk unless there is escalation or a clear safeguarding threat. It is still investigated, but it does not move ahead of cases where someone is at immediate risk of harm.

The legal responsibilities remain the same: preserve the evidence, report the behaviour, and allow the police to process it through their established digital‑forensics pathway. Both the youth‑period behaviour and the adult‑period behaviour are recognised in law as serious sexual‑communication offences.

In my professional role I’ve seen cases far more serious than this, with clear evidence, where the CPS has ultimately decided not to proceed because it was no longer in the public interest. In several of those cases the deciding factor was the length of time the investigation had taken.

Digital‑forensics backlogs mean device examinations can take years, and by the time a case reaches charging stage the circumstances have often changed so much that prosecution is no longer proportionate.

That doesn’t reduce the seriousness of the behaviour here — both the youth‑period offending and the adult‑period offending are recognised in law as sexual‑communication offences — but it does reflect the reality of how long these investigations can take and how the public‑interest test is applied.