AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Out of interest how do you get those em dashes on a device? I can only get the normal short hyphen like this -

Yes but not to the blimin PTA 🤣

Hold the hyphen down. It gives you the option to choose it. Although I imagine not many people do use it in real life...

Sorry but you don’t just switch to being an adult at 17. He has been the victim of sexual harassment and manipulation to the extent he has looked at suicide sites. His parents absolutely should be heavily involved in this exactly the same as if he was a girl.

To the police and school safeguarding absolutely.

So he used her and it’s ok becausehe told her he only wanted to use her? He got what he deserved tbh. Tell him not to sleep around.

She didn't have to sleep with him. He was honest with her from the outset.

Women have sex because they want to as well, not because they want a relationship. I have older, single friends, fwb type situations. It wouldn’t be for me, but to say he’s used this girl as piece of meat is a bit dramatic. He told her it was sex and both are off to uni anyway, or were.

She’s vile for lying- absolutely unhinged. How is she is vulnerable when she has concocted this entire thing? None of you know her for a start. Thank goodness she’s not saying this was non consensual sex- she seems the type.

I’m not sure what your son can learn, they discussed this at length and used protection for god sake.

The thread has shown boys can’t be victims only girls

Oh OP🤣

Nobody has said boys can’t be victims. You’re sounding incredibly hysterical now.

Also, it’s a bit strange how you titled the thread: “AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?”

I’m not sure why you didn’t title it: “AIBU to be angry after a girl is stalking and harassing my son with sexual explicit images?” Since you’re really looking for encouragement that your son is a victim of crime?

Why didn’t he change his privacy settings?

I’m a bit perplexed how an 18yo who uses social media such as Instagram and Snapchat doesn’t know how to simply change the settings to stop non-followers from messaging him.

That absolutely is the message many posters are giving!

And your point is? The OP did actually want to report this to the PTA.

DragonsFurry now shamelessly considering joining the PTA just for the salacious gossip.

On my keyboard you press and hold the hyphen and it brings up the different ones.

I think if it had been a girl being pressured and eventually consenting to sex it might be viewed as coercion? Maybe he thought it would get her off his back, just as many a girl has done before.

But he wasn't telling her to leave him alone when he agreed to have sex with her.

Both are awful ppl in my opinion.

Both as bad as each other.

But he was happy to laugh and joke with his friends about her potentially being pregnant.

This doesn't fit the victim narrative or him feeling harassed.

There are so many potential untruths in this whole story.

This post is wild. It has gone from a girl lying about being pregnant to a drip feed that she has told your son to kill himself. What?!

The girl sounds like she needs help, no doubt about that. What she did was unequivocally wrong.

You sound like a shitty parent that has raised an entitled little boy, and are trying to overcompensate for your failed parenting by protecting your child who is now an adult man. Funny how when it came to him having meaningless sex it was ok because it involved consenting adults, but now he is actually 18 you have taken his phone away (what? why doesn't he just change his number. He is an adult and you take his phone away), and are now involving the police. For once, let him be accountable, stop mollycoddling him as I imagine you have his whole life. His dad does not need to file anything, your son can do this. You must pay for the phone, did you never in his whole teenage years check it? Wonder what messages in the rubbish bin that he deleted.

You have raised your deluded son into thinking he is some kind of prize. Newsflash, he will not get a "better looking girl at uni" because everyone there will be as bright, if not brighter than him, and probably with a kinder personality, the pretty girls will have their pick of attractive personalities and will not pick a bitter entitled boy that wants to use them for sex. He has a stash of condoms and if he, at 17, is already telling girls he just wants sex, then he has been acting like this for years.

He might have said no, he still had sex with her, probably knew that his friend had already had sex with her (gross), and expected someone clearly vulnerable to not act in a bat shit way.

This whole thing is a shit show.

I think it's not excusable to fake a pregnancy. I feel like it's one of the few things women feel they can do to keep a good man when he doesn't want a relationship but it's really messed up.

Unfortunately I've heard about this sort of situation quite a few times. A friend's partner lied that her baby was his until the baby was born. My partner had an ex that claimed she was pregnant when she wasn't. They're both good guys and it really affected them and their trust in women. Lots of examples like this around.

Equally men do lots of really shit things and arguably worse. My ex left me for another woman when I was pregnant told her he wasn't sure it was his, when he knew full well it was. Humans...

I do feel for your DS here . I think it’s very important to reassure him that this type of behaviour is abnormal and not typical of most women . There are some absolute nuts out there , of both sexes . I remember once my dad said to me about 90% of the population are nice and normal but every so often you come across nasty, rude and horrible people in the remaining percentage . I have found this to be roughly true myself . I have to say it would really hurt me if a man said to me he only liked me physically but I would just cut my losses and move on if that was the case and I’d rather he was upfront about it than string me along . Inventing a pregnancy and hassling someone like this is grossly abnormal behaviour regardless of whether or not your ds behaviour was a bit upfront and hurtful .

Some of the replies you are getting on here are disgraceful.
Yes it's fine for two people to have sex without a relationship and your son was honest with her.
It's bloody disgusting that girls make up vile lies that can really mess with a young mans mental health and his life!
It's everywhere. Parents need to get a grip and come down on their children like a ton of bricks if they lie. It's not funny, it shouldn't be swept under the carpet. It ruins lives.
And for whoever disagrees with this are part of this whole problem. Children should be taught to tell the truth from a very young age. This girls parents should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and their daughter.
Makes me sick.

I hope your son is feeling a bit better about things x

Thankfully the law disagrees as sex with somebody when you’ve told them you don’t want a relationship is perfectly ok. Sexually harassing somebody with unwanted explicit photos whilst lying to manipulate is absolutely not ok.

That’s awful. Really sorry that your son is going through this. But it sounds like the apparent lie about the pregnancy is not the real issue - it’s the unpleasant messages and calls. So this is a case of bullying. But It may not be the girl doing this. My youngest son went through this at 13, after he decided that a (non-sexual) ‘relationship’ with the slightly older class Queen Bee was taking too much time away from football. There followed a really deeply unpleasant campaign of bullying by QB’s friends, one very plain, spotty girl in particular (yes, I’m still cross with her🤣) which had my son holding back tears. So constant malicious explicit sexual comments online and in person. Eventually I went to the school, the culprit was spoken to and the bullying stopped. I think if I were you, I’d advise my son to not answer calls from unknown numbers and block anyone sending abuse. But please try to keep calm and remember that he is an adult and you can support him without fighting his battles for him. It’s very tempting to go into tigress mode when your child is threatened - I’ve done it many times. But now my kids are grown I can admit that it doesn’t usually help 🤷‍♀️!

Agree. I keep thinking Mumsnet will pull this thread.

How did he use her?

She was the one initiating the sex