AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I think it's normal, whether it's good or bad, and women do it too. Telling his mum about it is what I found distasteful, but I suppose it's because he's in a state.

Yep as mn thinks boys can’t be victims of sexual harassment and online harassment we can find out his messages and see if he’s fabricating and he’s aware of this and has agreed to speak to the police. He just wants to be left alone and there’s ab order you can get that’s all he’s not gunning for imprisonment.

So you can reply to me.

Why when you started this thread at 9am today had you not contacted anyone.

But now you contacted safeguarding on Monday?

He didn't want to be left alone when she was sending the messages..wasn't feeling harassed then

So what do you do when your child is being sexually harassed online, told to kill themselves, threatened, called on no caller id multiples time has said no stop many times. Genuinely what do you ?

I have seen the Arday case and it’s very sad and that’s not what we are trying to do. We’d just like or our son to not be contacted again as he’s insisted that’s what he wants and he is stressed from all the messages and new accounts made.

She was a manipulating abuser sending explicit sexual photos to somebody who asked it to stop. Oo has done exactly the right thing.Knowing the seriousness of her behaviours will be a good lesson otherwise she may go through life thinking she can behaviour like this and break the law. She can’t.

Goodness a lot has happened since 10am when your husband hadn't even spoken to school hasn't it. You must have whiplash

What do you mean ? He first asked her to leave him alone in august last year when they were both 17 then she continued this has been ongoing I am not saying he’s innocent at all or the angel here.

Thought it was September and she was already 18?

Spoke to the safeguarding lead on Monday hasn’t spoke to pta that was what I was saying

Yeah august was the first encountered messages we have seen of them first having eachothers contact details. September was when she said she liked him and started the whole ordeal she was 18 then he’d basically only turned 17

People saying to leave it why ? I am confused. Surely someone being harassed online and sent explicit pictures even after being blocked and creating accounts is a cause of concern.
can boys really not be victims? I am not saying he’s an angel in this but surely you can understand the toll it takes when you’re constantly bombarded with messages and calls and voice notes for that matter as well as threatens and being told to kill yourself.

Who told you the girl's phone had been confiscated?

Ok, casual sex, FWB, fuck buddy - whatever. The DS appears to have been clear about not wanting any more. Again, personal responsibility has to be taken. Although on the flip side i do know there is a general feeling that if someone has an issue, its generally everyone elses problem to fix for them, so I admit I might be a bit out of touch there.

And in hindsight absolutely it was unwise of him to go near this woman. But he did, made it clear what he saw in the arrangement, she made her choice, and hes not a psychologist.

I guess im just not really on board with blaming the male who has been pretty brutally honest. Its infantilising the woman IMO.

You’re missing the point.

What do you think Vodaphone are going to do?

Oh the irony and entitlement of wanting a 'better' girl. Maybe it is in fact your son who needs to be 'better'.

I am interpreting this notion of 'better' as being awfully goady and I am now really hoping that this thread is not real and your family do not really exist.

You actually think that a sensible course of action is to try to throw your weight around and slander a vulnerable girl, who your DS has taken advantage of, via the old boys network that appears to be masquerading as the PTA? Really??

At least, thanks to this thread, parents with DDs going there can forewarn their daughters to watch out for PithSloth's son. They really could do much 'better'.

My DD had an offer for Durham and she turned it down because...well, it is Durham. I think this thread is just one example of why. Say no more.

If, and it's a big IF, everything the OP is saying is true, I hope her son realises that the police will find all this on his phone, even if he thinks it's been deleted.

It's interesting to read the comments from people with safeguarding training and relevant jobs saying that a lot of what she's saying is happening now makes no sense.

I know. I say we all ought to charge off a cliff right now, before this response to any remotely aberrant behaviour is permanently embedded in our collective psyche.

The thread has shown boys can’t be victims only girls and there’s only one perfect victim. That is good to know either way I just came here for a bit of perspective it’s not easy seeing your sons search history consisting on suicide and not easy seeing him messaging friends saying how stressed he is and that she won’t stop but that’s me as a parent maybe I’d have a different view but I want to support my son and also teach him we and I’ve accepted I have not be a great mother if he can be in this predicament no one to blame but me and my husband really. We’ve reported it and made school aware as we have children at that school. I don’t know how else he was supposed to go about this but saying he just wants to be left alone, not once in the messages has he called her names yet she kept insulting him telling him to die etc all because he didn’t want a relationship. We’ve established he shouldn’t have had sex with her he is immature but that doesn’t warrant the messages and threats and even fake pregnancy and fake abortion that he was willing to go to the appointment with her to. He should have spoke to us about this sooner but he didn’t he was quite irrational and going through a lot. This is my first team dealing with my sons search history you’ve got to be really down to go into searching about suicide and self harm etc he’s always been quite a happy boy my husband cried when we saw all of that. I agree we’ve failed. I’ll leave the thread as it’s turned into a whole debate on my girls can be victim I see it as both of them being victims he’s also a victim of my shit parenting the best we can do is let professionals handle this. I don’t want my son to search up anything to do with suicide sorry but I don’t believe he deserves that regardless of whether you agree it’s only fair because he wanted to as he put ig in the messages find “better girls” at uni to be in a relationship with. I don’t think feeling suicidal is fair punishment for his awful views but that’s just me I’d like for my son to continue living.

Thanks for all the kind personal messages too I haven’t read all the messages in the inbox but I appreciate it. I know there’s lots of nuance here it’s not just black and white nor is it one’s a victim and one’s a villain or anything of that sort but that’s my view on it different people have different perspectives.

They’re not slandering her. They’ve looked at his phone. It happened and she needs to be reported.

OP although I am 100% on your DS’s side, I do feel you and his dad are overly involved.

He should report it to the school, threaten to report it to the police and follow through if she continues harassing him.

Not only for his benefit but the girl and school need to be reminded about sending explicit photos and how dangerous and damaging that could be.

But as a sexually active adult, he needs to be the one doing this.
He almost very nearly became a father and I think it would be good for him for you and his dad to take a step back (still support him) and let him deal with this.

Please tell me I’m not the only one 🙄

She hit page 21, realised nobody was swallowing her narrative, stormed off, then crawled back with a “revised” version that contradicts half of what she originally said.

And every update makes her look more desperate.

Her husband’s role on the Parent Association has been inflated to the point of parody, the funniest part of this whole saga. She’s tried to inflate a volunteer committee that organises raffles and cake stalls into some kind of safeguarding command centre.

At first he was apparently some PA heavyweight, gearing up for a “high‑level meeting” about two 18‑year‑olds’ sex lives — something a PA has no authority, no remit, and no business being involved in.

When people pointed out how absurd that was, she panicked and rewrote it: now it’s suddenly less serious because it’s “school friends”.

Every time she tweaks the story, she exposes the same thing: she’s trying to retrofit legitimacy onto behaviour that would be wildly inappropriate, professionally impossible, and frankly creepy.

A Parent Association doesn’t investigate students, doesn’t run safeguarding meetings, doesn’t monitor relationships, and absolutely does not insert itself into the private sex lives of legal adults.

Her husband’s supposed involvement isn’t just unrealistic — It’s unravelling and laughable!

If he didn't find her attractive, how did he get it up for her? Of course he found her attractive, but he saw her as just a body and not a person. Honestly, he sounds so horrible that I'm kind of glad he got his comeuppance.

I imagine it could also be tricky to make contact with a safeguarding representative so quickly as schools may still be shut for summer.