AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

ADHD ???

I strongly suspect that this girl liked your son a lot and agreed to the 'no strings sex' because she hoped your son would change his mind regarding a relationship. She wasn't actually OK with the 'no strings sex' arrangement at all, she wanted a relationship with him from the start. When she realised that her having sex with him, hadn't made him want to respond to her messages, let alone have a relationship, she reacted badly.

I agree with others, the girl has a low self-esteem, and clings onto any form of affection, even if it's just sex or crumbs on offer. However, that doesn't excuse her behaviour at all. Pretending to be pregnant, and allowing it to continue to the point your son defers his university placement is unforgivable.

Don't start escalating the situation by getting her school involved. The incident has zero to do with the school. She's 18, legally an adult, what realistically what do you expect her parents to do? They can yell at her, tell her she's behaved dreadfully, but they can't change what's happened. They can't force her to seek therapy for her low self-esteem either.

You're missing the point. How are you aware about the girl's phone being taken? You said earlier that the Safeguarding Lead told you, is that true?

What schools tolerate online sexual harassment? Why is it only bad if boys do it why can’t he also be upset over a girl doing that to him. I am not sure many would as she apologised then continued he even said sorry he just doesn’t like her that way just wants to be left alone but she has continued.

I probably haven’t handled it well either that’s why it’s a police matter.

I have said this to men before and when I’m looking for a casual relationship then these are the exact men I go for, as I do not want to string someone along who is looking for something more serious.

I would just call the university and see if they have spaces left for the year. People do drop out etc and spaces do free up. If not, he's got next year. Hopefully he'll just move on from this by moving away.

She did a really stupid thing. But why on earth would your husband think that telling her parents or the school is appropriate? This is a private matter between your son and the girl, and, quite frankly, does not cast either of them in a good light - your son because, as others have said, this whole unsavory incident suggests he falls into the Andrew Tate camp. I hope that if your husband does go ahead with this, his complaint would be dismissed as malicious gossip (and an attempt to bully her) and certainly nothing to do with her school..

Not sure what can be done all we can do is report it to police as the messages contributed even after he begged her to leave him alone. She to make accounts to contact him, called him on no caller Id multiple times in a day (although we can’t be sure this was her but he says it is because she made threats to him and said even if you block me I can still call you) maybe he could have changed his phone number all these suggestions I know of but why should he change his number why can’t he just say no please leave me alone I forgive you and that be the end of it.

Obsessional vendetta? Hardly. She’s only just found out about it and is reasonably angry.

Wanting someone who has hurt and victimized your loved one to face punishment is entirely normal. The family of the boy she’s harassed do not owe this girl understanding or compassion.

Yes agreed but he’s gone ahead with the police report our son has to make a statement but he has agreed to that and agreed to hand his phone so they can have a look at what’s going on here. Not sure what they can do about previous the no caller Id calls as we can’t be sure who it is but she alluded to that in a few of the threats. Just have to let them figure it out. Nothing will probably be done but he’d just like for her to leave him be forever not contact him again that’s all really.

Are you sure there isn't a different forum where he has actually said yes - like Snapchat, another account etc?
It seems very unlikely that someone would keep sending these pictures, and multiple girls sending these pictures, without any encouragement. If it was only one girl, who had got it very wrong, I would maybe believe him. But multiple girls? I don't think you are getting the whole story here, just the bits he has shown you.

Many teenagers have multiple versions of accounts, ones they let their parents see to 'reassure them' and other private ones - as you have seen from this girl making multiple accounts.

This worries me because it’s clear the safeguarding lead has gone beyond their powers.

@PithySloth - I think you have got a lot right in this situation. I absolutely agree that boys can be victims. There is of course an imbalance which makes girls physically more vulnerable: boys are generally stronger and faster than girls - if this girl had physically pressed herself on your son, he would almost certainly have been able to physically defend himself and get himself away from her. The same might well not be true in reverse (indeed, there is a whole other important lesson in that for young men - fight or flight will often not serve a woman who feels threatened by a man; she may well "freeze and friend" and go through with something she doesn't want in order to avoid worse harm - hence the need for any young man to be sure that a young woman has full capacity and is giving enthusiastic consent).

But her on-line conduct was harassment and abuse and I think the lesson (apart from that your son absolutely should not have slept with someone who was displaying so many red flags) is that your son should have reported this to the police much sooner or at least involved a responsible adult who could then support him in reporting this to the police much sooner.

My elder DD had a school friend who had to obtain a non-molestation order against a former girlfriend because she would not leave him alone. From memory, they were both 17 years old at the time. Your son might be able to obtain something equivalent (I'm not sure a non-mol would necessary apply as there is supposed to be a family relationship or an intimate relationship and I'm not sure a one night stand is sufficient) but there are other orders available and, in fact, just the police having a word with her might have dissuaded her from continuing.

I’m not seeing a lot of the F part of FWB in your second paragraph.
A friend would stop having sex with someone when they knew there was a mismatch in feelings, rather than saying “That’s your personal responsibility, and zero to do with me”. Certainly, I have never treated a friend, nor been treated by a friend (including FWB) in that way.

In terms of the third I am going to quote another poster This girl harassed OP's son and was exhibiting serious red flags before he decided to sleep with her so sleeping with her was an incredibly immature and unwise decision . He did know and he did it anyway. Bad mistake.

Considering we have gone from a young woman making up a pregnancy, to harassing messages, to explicit messages, to ops son being underage when messages were sent, to threats, to him then being told to kill himself, I think a lot of this is fabricated .

Yep that’s why we have said to him that has to be a police matter as this is out of hand we’ve looked at the messages all dating back to last year haven’t seen anything to suggest this but we will have to see what happens. He’s even got messages from December to his friends telling them she won’t leave him alone and he’s stressed about it as he had mocks coming up.

I wish I could pin this since people are saying it’s a teenage matter and they should solve it themselves. It can’t be solved by teenagers at all.

OP, you clearly want vengeance against this girl for lying about a pregnancy. I agree that that's a bad thing to do and she should not have done it, but don't go getting her school involved and dragging her name through the mud. Your son is no angel, either, making a proposition to a girl that he use her body for his own pleasure. They're both young and stupid. Just leave both of them be. And deferring uni before asking for proof of the pregnancy is your son's own silly fault. Regardless, drop your campaign against this girl.

Yeah they might have by letting us know this is a police matter. Either way maybe everyone has failed in this scenario maybe we will be able to get an order where she can’t ever contact him as that’s all he says he wants nothing more just that. He’s agreed to have his phone and iPad taken off him and we will contact Vodafone too once he’s put the statement with the police.

Agree

Again, missing the point. How do you know they took the girl's phone?

What are you on about. He absolutely does not fall into the Andrew Tate camp at all. It isn’t a private matter,any sexual harassment should be reported , how dare you tell somebody to sweep it under the carpet, gaslight and victim blame. All children should feel comfortable in coming forward when they experience this kind of thing. It will thankfully be treated seriously. It’s clear sexual harassment with evidence on his phone. Do you dismiss all sexual harassment?It won’t be dismissed any more than if it was a girl contacting the police re somebody sending her unwanted sexually explicit photos . He asked it to stop. It didn’t. He was then subjected to malicious falsehoods in an attempt to manipulate.

What about the online sexual harassment after saying no multiple times, creating new accounts when blocked and threats is that not police matter. How can I deal with that when he’s told her to stop multiple times what else can be done. No I don’t want vengeance he’s said he’d like this reported as per the advice and is willing to let them look through his phone and also contact Vodafone he knows it’s a serious matter.

And now Vodafone too? 😂

OMG! What have you and your husband started?? This is awful! The girl sounds very silly and is probably vulnerable. But what you’ve done seems to amount to a campaign of public bullying and harassment. We’ve seen recently, in the case of Jason Arday, what public humiliation results in. Deeply worrying that a man with the characteristics of your husband is involved in any way with a school. I do feel sorry though for both your son and this girl.