AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Yes but surely you safeguarding whizzes would know to report immediately. Only say what was directly said to you and write it down etc. her lawyer will rip you to shreds, say you’ve involved and defamed her to the school etc. Say he was coached becuase he’s scared of you, embarassed etc. the school have also got the phones apparently which means she can argue things have been tampered with etc.
this is a safeguarding nightmare for anyone involved. Police don’t do anything other than talk to the alleged sender when both are this young and give them a good talking to anyway.
you have literally handed a defence everybring they need to get this thrown out. Which is precisely why real safeguarding at a school would have a field day at him telling the pta and I’m wondering what law school dh went to because he should know this

Retired (state school) head here. I would not have governors discussing confidential issues, either.

Also. Nobody reports someone to the police so that they can get help with their mental health in the circumstances you describe. No one.

Thank you, this is what I thought too. It would be extraordinary for the other parents to be given confidential information.

We’ve reported it to the police because it’s harassment that even contributed after he said he forgives her for lying about the pregnancy what else are we meant to do ? Even when the phone was taken she continuer to message. Either way I think this is a matter for the police I cannot control someone messaging and making threats if he doesn’t respond after he’s said to just stop and leave him be it’s stressing him out was the words he used.

They will be as it’s a police matter not school matter.I personally don’t think the school will keep her to resit the year but who knows we will see once ds does the statement and they can have a look at the ongoing messages even whilst ds doesn’t even have his phone she contributed to contact.

Anyone can make a police report however it’s treated exactly the same as any other 18+year old (GDPR) the adult directly impacted needs to express they want to report it themselves, more so in this scenarios like this.

Any person can report anything however depending on the police stations they may or may not accept someone else reporting on behalf of someone.

@PithySloth - I think you're right to report this to the police. This is harassment and, as I said upthread, if this were a young man pursuing a young woman in this way, I think alarm bells would have gone off much sooner.

How do you know when the girl's family became aware? How do you even know they ARE aware?

So the police are going to tell the PTA confidential information relating to an adult who is no longer at the school, and another adult who never went there in the first place?

that would be a massive data breach on the part of the police.

That girl sounds off her fucking rocker.

Presumably they reported to the police because their son wants to her leave him the fuck alone, as he’s repeatedly asked her to.

Please for the love of god get him to change his privacy settings.

I’ll send you the instructions again:

Instagram

• Open Instagram and go to your profile.
• Tap the three-line menu icon in the top right corner.
• Tap Messages and story replies.
• Select Message requests.
• Under "Others on Instagram" or "Other People," choose Don't receive requests or set them to No oneso strangers cannot message you.
• Go back to settings and check Who can add you to groups, changing it to Only people you follow to prevent random group chat spam

Snapchat

• Open Snapchat and tap your Profile icon in the top left.
• Tap the Gear icon (Settings) in the top right.
• Scroll down to the "Privacy Control" section and tap Contact Me.
• Change the setting from "Everyone" to Friends. This ensures only people you have added back can send you snaps or chats

Also get him to change his number.

I'm confused. You posted this at 9am today. With no hint about having contacted safeguarding. And the story now has ended up as full harassment.

But now you contacted safeguarding on Monday and the police?

Absolutely. He should have done that. The son. But to say it’s for the sake of her mental health?

he should have told his parents when he was 17 and receiving indecent images of a minor though tbf.

and not fucked her after she had done that and behaved badly. (Which she did - she shouldn’t have harassed him. But he didn’t report it at the first opportunity which was unwise.)

as I say i hope he’s learnt his lesson.

edit for spelling

He's said no to them many times. But then he sleeps with (at least one of) them. If that's not mixed messages, what is?

personally don’t think the school will keep her to resit the year

But you are doing this all for her mental health 🙄

I agree if I’d have done here with a daughter it would be a different view.

Boys can also be victims of online sexual harassment as much as people on here believe my son deserves the harassment for his views (I agree awful) saying to a girl he wants to find a better girls at uni to be in a relationship. I don’t believe he deserves bombarding with messages threats fake pregnancies explicit pictures that he’s said no to, begging to see him again after he has said no, telling him to kill himself then proceeds to make a another account just to send another explicit picture after he’s blocked her as quite frankly I don’t think he needs to put up with someone telling him to harm himself. Regardless of whether you believe boys can be victims please just reverse the things she’s been doing and surely people would see her as a victim, why can’t he be on? He wanted casual sex, he asked about contraception, Made it clear he didn’t want a relationship, yet she continued yes he could have just ignored her but by the looks of it she would have just created another account. I am not sure what to do as a parent in this situation. My son is glad to even not have his phone because he was getting stressed at getting messages constantly. At the end of the day he is still my son and I want to support him and educate him at the same time. He’s just turned 18 there is still hope and he will learn from this and not be in a situation like this again. She is vulnerable and that was his mistake but hindsight is often too late.

I don’t have sex with people I am not in a relationship with it’s not for me I don’t enjoy it at all and I don’t get it . However I know some people are different than me and do enjoy it . I don’t think there is an issue especially if someone is upfront about it . It’s so much worse if a person is stringing someone alone pretending they want more and using someone for sex , something which seems to frequently occur judging by the relationship boards here .

Completely agree

"Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no."

I'm sorry, but I find this very hard to believe. No man is ever this honest and no woman would say yes to this. Not because women don't or can't enjoy casual sex but because putting it this way would turn anyone off.

People don’t deserve to be bombarded with threats and messages telling them to kill themselves regardless of whether you think boys deserve it and girls don’t. It still hurt the person receiving such messages. My son doesn’t deserve that and he could have handled the situation better and not slept with her but that doesn’t warrant the constant messages and this thread has raised a lot of questions on the belief that there’s a perfect victim. I am sorry he’s not a perfect victim but all we can do is guide him and make sure he doesn’t get himself into this situation again. No matter how bad you believe 18 yo boys are my son doesn’t deserve to be searching up things to do with suicide or to be told about a pregnancy that isn’t real maybe he deserves it for wanting “better” girls but I don’t think so. Saying you want to find a better girl to be in a relationship with at uni isn’t a crime, saying you don’t want a relationship isn’t a crime, saying no to explicit pictures isn’t a crime. Having sex with someone who is clearly vulnerable I’m not sure how the police will go about that but he’s admitted he was in the wrong there and willing to take responsibility for that he just wants her to leave him alone that’s all and hopefully he can navigate relationships with girls better down the line.

I think you need a bit of self reflection here. I can see that you absolutely cannot see that you have done anything wrong. There is understandably standing up for your kids and then there is this obsessional vendetta you are waging against this girl.

I see you now think she will be thrown out of her school. Well done you must be so pleased! For someone who claims you just want her to receive help and not punishment you have gone a very funny way about things.

Absolutely zero people on fhis thread has said he deserves any of this.

Can you answer my post where I stated that you started this thread having not spoken to anyone about it, to having contacted safeguarding on Monday and having explicit images all of a sudden?

I think that's a bit naive really to assume that youngsters like this are making good decisions around sex. People go on making mistakes around sex at all ages. You only have to read a few mumsnet posts!
I worked a lot with pregnant teenagers and their inability to make wise decisions around sex that they would not later regret was very obvious. Prime amongst these were the many girls who thought they were being cool (peer group pressure is very strong) but then realised that the absence of emotional connection left them feeling used.... and sometimes pregnant or sick.
Just because someone is old enough to drive a car does not mean they are old enough to make decisions about sex that might leave them and others hurt.
They are experimenting and putting a toe in the water but all teenage boys need to be aware that girls often underestimate their need for emotional connection..... that is certainly my experience in this field. They need to tread carefully and with kindness top of their list of priorities ... hard to do when teenage lust is afire I know.
We tell teenagers a lot about contraception and infections but not enough about how sexual encounters can leave both boys and girls feeling emotionally vulnerable.
We have a prime example on this thread ... this lad got the mechanics right by delving into his stash of condoms but underestimated the emotions involved .... and this lass followed her lust (and no doubt peer pressure and the need to feel loved) and is paying the price. She is hitting out, which is what people do when they are hurt and afraid.
I do not think either have necessarily behaved wrongly, but both have clearly demonstrated that knowing all the facts of sex does not equate to understanding the emotions that might be involved.
They have both demonstrated their immaturity and vulnerability. That it came as a shock to them shows what is missing in sex education.