AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

He had the option to totally ignore her, from whatever account she used 🙄

Have I considered my attitude of enjoying sex with different partners when I was young was out of step with others? No. Why would I?

And of course I know people can get hurt in FWB situations. Thats not the other persons fault if they've been clear about how they see the relationship - Personal responsibility needs to be taken at some point in that respect.

Edited to add - and actually, my post was in response to a pp who seemed to expect young adults to be able to psychologically analyse prospective sexual partners and ascertain if they had low self esteem.

Most parents associations organise fund raisers for the school and that’s it. So yes, it does seem really odd that your DH wants to involve the PTA in his son’s sex life. What are they going to do with the information, maybe organise a fete to raise money for a sex education and online safety talk?

this is so weird!

it's absolutely not disrespectful or manosphere-y to clearly announce your expectations/boundaries to a person, and it is entirely reasonable to take their responses to those expectations in good faith.

if she was not comfortable with these, she had every opportunity to say so. and there's every likelihood that OP's son would have steered clear, given his subsequent responsible behaviour.

we can see with hindsight that the girl was vulnerable, but presumably she didn't advertise this at the time?

is he supposed to have ascertained beforehand whether she was in fact vulnerable, or prone to exaggeration? how would he have done that, exactly? would she have been honest even if he had?

or are you all suggesting that OP's son should have automatically disbelieved the girl just in case?

is he supposed to do this with every girl he meets from now on?

I am confused ? All I said was DH has made a report to the police on the behalf of our son due to reasons and they have taken the report but want him to make the official statement which is why I said earlier in this thread that he’s willing to cooperate has handed us his phone because that’s where majority of it has taken place on social media and messages. I’ve wished you luck in regards to your daughter as that was devastating to read and wished you both well. The smile was just a smile I don’t know you nor your daughter I didn’t believe it’s right for me to comment just say our experience

Human beings are complicated.

I am not condoning the girls behaviour, but sometimes someone might say they only want sex.

And then they get emotionally attached afterwards.

And quite frankly there's always a risk factor to sleeping around.

You never know if the person you're sleeping with has mental health issues.

I have a 6 year old son and when the time comes, I will discourage him from casual flings. Whether he will listen to me is a different story.

Because I’m struggling to see how the evidence would be useful now you and the school have had your hands all over it. Isn’t dh a lawyer?!

@Messedupmyusernameagain - I think the lesson would be don't sleep with someone who persists in asking after being told no. This girl harassed OP's son and was exhibiting serious red flags before he decided to sleep with her so sleeping with her was an incredibly immature and unwise decision (demonstrating, as OP has said herself, that her son does not really have the maturity necessary for an active sex life). If the genders had been reversed, then I think alarms would have gone off sooner and there would have been police involvement sooner based on the refusal to take no for an answer and the ongoing sending of sexual images.

Isn’t her not being pregnant the best possible outcome?

Escalating it and continuing to let it bother you all and reporting it will only make the whole thing live on.

All of you, move on with your lives. Your son has learned that it does matter who he sleeps with.

How is it up there on your moral high ground, where everything is so black and white.

Yes you are quite right the nasty slag clearly deserves what's coming to her. I hope you don't have any kids.

FYI @PithySloth

what you said was

Also maybe the suicidal stuff online too might have played a part in how the police have taken to it.

which I was commenting on my daughters experience with the fact that it made mo difference.

Yeah they’re going to raise a fundraise for DH.I think you’re under the assumption he’s doing it so they can do something about it they have no power. DH went to that school, his father went to that school some of his schools friends are in the association too. He just wants to let them know what’s going on just as parents have a conversation and let them know clearly the school isn’t making it clear that it’s a crime to send picture underage and also unwarranted picture too and when you’re told to stop you should stop. Boys can be victims so can girls. If a boy is receiving pictures I way that is wrong same way it would be for a girl. If a boy made multiple accounts to contact a girl after she has said no please stop that is wrong same way it is this way round. Clearly there’s an issue and I am not saying my son is innocent but he can also be a victim in this situation. The police can decide that themselves maybe they’ll agree boys can’t be victims of only sexual harassment only girls.

Because PP referred to 12 and 14 year old girl children 'going for sex' with young men. It plays into the stereotype that some female children seek sex with adult men and 'know what they're doing' which was said about the grooming gang victims. The police officer referred to in the post was also a groomer of children.

Yes it is.

But there’s been more to it than just a fake pregnancy abortion lying about contraception, unsolicited explicit picture not just one bit multiple over a handful, threats when he doesn’t respond. It’s a concern and a concern for her mental health. The whole situation is quite upsetting.

This must be a public school. A state school would not care about family connections or being alumni.

Because even after the phone was confiscated she continued to contact him and make threats when he didn’t respond. Surely this is now a form of harassment. I’m not sure what they’ll done once our son has spoke to the police but there’s quite a lot here that is worrying for everyone’s mental health. Sending multiple messages one after the other calling him names etc then suddenly saying she misses him in between that then an explicit picture. It’s like 30 messages one after the other and he has yet to respond it’s concerning and yes my son is also to blame for this for ever engaging but his message he was clear and told her to just leave him alone after she told him she wasn’t actually pregnant she just wanted to speak to him. It’s all a bit overwhelming even for me.

The suggestion that the DSL at school "wants the Parents' Association to know about it" is either a massive lie - or the DSL needs re-training because it's absolutely NOT a matter for the PA.

People have said she is vulnerable. So the best thing to do is to escalate this so that her parents are aware of what she has done. Not just brush it under the carpet and pretend sexual harrassment is just something you do to get someones attention. If OP's DS had committed suicide, she could have ended up being arrested, and then what? If the next person she does this to kills himself, she will be up in court. Both these kids seem to go to public school. Her parents need to pay for some therapy for her, and at least give her a good talking to about her behaviour. Neither of those things can happen if its just swept under the carpet. The advice would have been completely different if she had been the one being harrassed and sent explicit pictures by an 18 year old boy.

I mean they have a whole log in etc accounts set up once they finish sixth form he still has access to his school account it’s just switched to alumni account instead of a student account. They’re still very much connected to the school. I think the school would care if any of their students were to hurt themselves even after they’ve left school.

It so does not need "documenting". What it needed was a heart to heart with your son and then you all getting on with your lives with some lessons being learned.

Actually I do think both teens here are currently victims. Victims of you and your DH. Your obsession with your son's sex life is utterly bizarre and frankly baffling. He must be absolutely mortified. And now you want him to relive it all with the police? I actually think at this point you are totally batshit. You have not thought this through. Does your DS not just want to forget about this this and move on with his life without this escalating and dragging on and on?

Just what is the PA going to do about it, OP? What is your vision of the things they can do, oncr your DH has told them confidential information about your son and a student at the girls' school?

The thing is you have raised at least one boy who is known colloquially as a f###-boy. These kind of events will happen if he, and I am only repeating what young people say here, 'sticks it in crazy'. Some people can tie emotions to sex and then have emotional reactions to rejection. This is not rocket science.

Basically sex leads to babies, you can take all the precautions you like but contraception fails all the blinking time. This is a direct result of 'f### around and find out' - literally. He goes to an all-boys school and was going to Durham. This stuff should have been obvious to him.

Son wants it reported to the police as she continued to contact and send lots of messages even after he said he forgives her for lying just “leave me alone please” so yes it is a matter to be solved because it’s gone to harassment at this point. Maybe they’ll say it’s not we will have to see but I think calling someone on no caller id, sending threats, then explicit picture after the threats etc is harassment and a cause of concern for mental health.

You’re so concerned for her mental health the best thing to do is tell all the busy body gossips that have time to sit on the PTA.

a veteran of 3 PTAs. If you’d said governors I could have seen the point, but the PTA? They’re full of people with nothing better to do than gossip

You still haven't answered why he thought it was a good idea to have sex with her if he had blocked her and was feeling harassed and not liking the explicit photos she was sending him.