AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Thought it through perfectly thank you so no need for the passive aggressive comment.

My point is nowdays boys can also very much be considered to be 'slags' by girls. Girls are very much aware of this: toxic masculinity, the Andrew Tate phenomenon etc. Boys who behave like this do get a bad reputation...I was talking about this only yesterday with DD, boys (and men) are still wanting to have sex with no commitment. When I pointed out that, in the past, if a girl carried on like that she ran the risk of being labelled a slag. And yes, women may want no strings sex too but generally do seem to prefer a committed relationship 🤔

I do think we need to call out slaggy male behaviour and these men do need to realise that the way they are carrying on is really not great, there is another way of being.

Yes, the girl was wrong to claim a false pregnancy but it does rather sound like he has taken advantage of her just so he could get his rocks off. He has unfortunately learnt the hard way.

Do you know what parents association is ? I think you might have misunderstood. They’re not going to do anything about it they’re not police they have no power which is why this is a police matter.

Maybe your schools pa works differently

Because the pta don’t have anything to do with discipline in the school and all you’ve done is made your son and this girl the subject of salacious gossip. But it’s up to you.

I had a boy sending my dd dick pics and I didn’t go to the PTA fyi. I went to the police - and they advised that she did so, and she did.

The point is, the Parents' Association is NOT a place for discussion of confidential issues.

Like that would deter a teenager wanting a shag!

It’s interesting that the girl at 18, is “young”, “vulnerable” etc but the boy who is also 18, and younger than the girl is a user and a dick…

hopefully, your son has learned the harsh lesson that some woman are absolutely bad and manipulative (as are some men!), best to be careful who you have casual sex with, particularly if this person has form. Both are young and made a mistake but there is plenty of time to learn. We’ve all been young and stupid before sadly.

The issue around the sending of explicit images is a concern and happens a lot. I doubt the school will be particularly surprised and may probably amp up there sex education discussions over the next few weeks. I don’t think it’s helpful to anyone to go in with this girl as the target for intervention, especially given her age and how much schooling she will have. But it is tricky. Unfortunately, lots of young people think that sending explicit images is a sign of affection without considering the longer term consequences

Would you say that if he was a girl and had been subjected to unwanted sexually explicit photos and fake allegations?

That’s sad. They’ve taken DHs report they will need to speak to our son but they’ve accepted his report. I don’t want to name the area but it’s the south not sure if that makes a difference on how they handle things. Also maybe the suicidal stuff online too might have played a part in how the police have taken to it.

Would you say that if he was a girl and had been subjected to unwanted sexually explicit photos and fake allegations?

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either. So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.
I'm not sure about what lesson he is supposed to learn here? Never to believe women? He asked about contraception, used a condom, told her he wanted a casual relationship, she agreed, then faked a pregnancy, yet he's still in the wrong? She lied twice. What do we tell boys? Never sleep with women on any kind of casual basis? ( good luck with that, and I'm not sure many young women would be too happy with that either) Save sex for marriage? (Doesn't work either as 1000's of years of history has demonstrated). It seems OP's DS has been responsible. His only mistake is to believe a girl when she told him she wanted the same thing and again to believe her when she lied about a pregnancy to manipulate him into calling her.

Why are you talking about grooming gangs in this context?

My daughter self harmed and took an overdose. In her final a level year. At the Easter just before exams. Because of vile actions from the boy and his mates. So I doubt that.

Incorrect.

Both my instagram and Snapchat accounts are set that I can only receive messages from people who are “following” me (Instagram) and are “friends” with me (Snapchat). With a private Instagram account you decide who you accept to follow you or not.

I’ll leave some instructions below if your son wants to change his settings.

If your son is receiving multiple “no caller ID” calls from this girls blocked number then he needs to change his number. ASAP.

And oh right, I thought your solicitor husband was wanting to discuss your sons situation with the Parents Association? Hopefully he changes his mind, and if anything he should be telling other parents to remind their children the importance of sexual safety and not taking or sending explicit photos.

Instagram:

Open Instagram and go to your profile.
Tap the three-line menu icon in the top right corner.
Tap Messages and story replies.
Select Message requests.
Under "Others on Instagram" or "Other People," choose Don't receive requests or set them to No one so strangers cannot message you.
Go back to settings and check Who can add you to groups, changing it to Only people you follow to prevent random group chat spam

Snapchat:

By default, Snapchat already restricts communication to your friends, but you can verify or tighten this setting.

• Open Snapchat and tap your Profile icon in the top left.
• Tap the Gear icon (Settings) in the top right.
• Scroll down to the "Privacy Control" section and tap Contact Me.
• Change the setting from "Everyone" to Friends. This ensures only people you have added back can send you snaps or chats.

My son had a girl claim she was pregnant when he was 18. Not at school by then but still both young He like your son agreed to stand by her even though he really didnt want a relationship with her. There were several things that didnt add up so we as his parents took the decision to phone her grandmother. She lived with her apparently very sick grandmother as according to this girl, her parents had both died . It turned out to be a complete fabrication and the reason she lived with grandma was because she had falsely accused her father of abusing her . Grandma did take her for a pregnancy test which not suprisingly was negative.It took a long time for my son to come to terms with it all .The girl was clearly very damaged and actually quite dangerous to others with her lies so I think you are absolutely right in getting other people involved. I wish you and your family the strength to get through this

Absolute tripe!!

Schools cannot “take phones” from pupils because someone outside the school has reported a police matter. We can only secure a device if a concern arises on school premises and the pupil is on roll.

We cannot remove phones for an incident involving two 18‑year‑olds outside school. That is not how safeguarding or evidence handling works.

Calling this “a police matter” doesn’t change that. If the school believes a crime may have been committed, they can advise the pupil to keep the device safe and recommend that the right person reports it to police.

They cannot seize phones, they cannot take multiple devices, and they cannot act on information from someone who has no parental responsibility.

And under no circumstances would we give updates to someone outside the girl’s immediate family. Safeguarding does not provide updates to external adults, especially not to someone with no parental responsibility. Doing so would be a breach of confidentiality under KCSIE and GDPR, and we would genuinely find ourselves sacked for it.

Once a concern is logged, the school handles it internally.

We do not report back to the person who raised it under any circumstances!!!

I do think that "purely for sex" relationships are not for everyone and bring their own risks. Young vulnerable women in particular are likely to become emotionally invested and find they can't stick to the agreed rules, so use whatever bargaining tools they can, fake pregnancies included. It's a lesson for your son too of course. And I think delaying his uni even though they weren't planning to be together was a step too far, although he clearly meant very well by it. Yes you are right to be angry, but he needs to make better choices too.

You doubt they they’d want to speak to our son about the harassment of explicit picture and making multiple accounts ? Why wouldn’t they. Different areas have different police some do their job better than others. I am sorry about your daughter wish you the best :)

@PithySloth - following up on the single sex school point: actually, the position is more nuanced than girls doing better at single sex schools - my understanding is that if you split out girls' and boys' results at co-ed, girls do just as well as at single sex schools.

Also, it's not just about academic results; it is also about the very important normalisation of relaxed social interaction which comes from mixed sex education where boys and girls are very used to being around each other, studying together, working together and being friends, before anything else gets thrown into the mix - they are not "other" to each other in the way that tends to be generated by single sex education. The world is co-ed; unis are co-ed as are workplaces. It's good to get used to being around the opposite sex in a straightforward way. I did very well in co-ed education millennia ago. I have two daughters (now young adults) with no immediate boy relatives and there was no way I would have put them into a single-sex educational environment. My daughters did well academically as well as making lots of friends of both sexes so that worked for us.

But you made the decision which seemed right to you and no doubt had very good reasons for it and, for all this has been a horrible experience for your son and you, there are very useful learnings which he can take forward and which can be shared with your younger sons.

This and the fact the police have apparently taken the father’s report. I smell bullshit

only police is taking their phone. DH has reported to police and they want to speak to our son which is why I said he’s willing to speak to them as he just wants her to leave him alone for good. Even after phone confiscation she continued to contact him and ask even sent another photo at this time and ask him to respond and it lead to some threats when he didn’t respond. This was before her family was aware of what was going on.

Well the lesson here is he needs to be on top of contraception himself.

No I doubt that the suicide searching on the internet made any difference.

it certainly didn’t make a difference to the police that my daughter had slashed her wrists and took an overdose, the report still had to come from her, not me.

quite frankly your :) is out of place.

Why can’t a father report something ? They’d still want to speak to our son about what is going on

I am confused. This started as a compliant about the girl lying about being pregnant. Then, the police are involved because sexually explicit pictures were sent to a minor. What does the school have to do with it?

He's left the school, too. It's all a bit of a saga now.