AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

What a mess.

im surprised the schools are getting involved especially with him being an adult and having left but the police is definitely the way to go.

im just surprised he didn’t come to you when she was sending pics to him under the age of 18 because that’s problematic to say the least.

hopefully it all gets sorted officially now.

Why can’t they both be victims in the situation. Why should he be lied to about a pregnancy then find it’s not actually a pregnancy she just wanted to contact him then proceeds to constantly message him again after he has said okay just leave me alone now then. Why should he at 17 have to receive unsolicited explicit pictures, Why shouldn’t she be reported for sending unwanted explicit picture and creating multiple accounts to contact him on after he has told her to just leave him alone and that he doesn’t want explicit pictures. I am not sure how else to solve that without escalating the situation. Maybe you have better suggestions but this is an actual matter than needs to be documented.

Because he isn’t mature enough.

He initially believed the girl was pregnant, so he didn’t check his condom when taking it off. He also didn’t rationally wait for any proof. Instead he decided to defer his uni place.

He’s referring to other women as being potentially “better looking” at uni (or something to that extent I cba to trail back through the OP’s posts).

He has apparently received multiple unwanted pictures and messaged from this girl. Surely you would block and delete after the first one. Not let them build up and keep them on your phone.

These are all the actions of someone not mature enough to engage in sexual activity.

I still don't get why he slept with her if he found her messages and explicit photos a nuisance and blocked her old accounts.
Surely this would raise warning bells to him that she isn't the kind of girl that would be up for casual sex if she was already harassing him before they slept together..

What should he have done after he blocked her then she made another account on social media to contact him and he blocked that one again then another account and same with the explicit pictures.

I do however agree he isn’t mature enough for sex.

Goodness me OP, are the boys at your son's school hugely outnumbered by girls so that the girls are desperate for attention? Your son is getting a lot of hatred here, but he was brutally honest about how he felt and probably felt that the girl was happy with that, hard as it is to imagine. I think there are probably harsh lessons learnt on both sides, and I hope you're successful in getting him back into Durham.

If she sent the first one when she was below 18 he should have reported it then. Mine are older but I had it hammered into them about indecent images. I’m surprised the police took the report from his parents I have to say, that’s a good thing, because when my DD was getting inappropriate photos during u6 they wouldn’t take my report because she was over 18, she had to do it (which she did), so it appears things have changed, which is a good thing.

I really don't even know where to start with this reply.

Have you considered at any point since then, that perhaps it is your attitude which was been rather out of step with other people's? It seems you have missed the corollary of your point that even with consent people can end up getting hurt, when one person has hopes of it turning into something more, and the other just didn’t care really. (Just like here)

I don't know if you have sons, but do you think it might be worthwhile pointing out that you can have consent but it still turns out to be a big mess, and that having respect for the people you sleep with will eliminate most of the big messes. And nobody thinks that the sex that ends up being a Big Mess is worth it.
So whilst the sort of disrespectful heedless encounter OP's son had is certainly not illegal, it is unwise. As he has found out.

And I am in no way condoning any of what the girl has done. Yes she should have blocked him with his sex only, not even kindness or respect text, or she should have walked away with whatever shred of dignity she could muster and told him to never speak to her or even look at her again, and told her friends he is such a disgusting user. But she isn't the one asking for advice here, is she?

What you’ve described still isn’t safeguarding protocol. A safeguarding lead can acknowledge that the police can be involved because sending explicit images under 18 is illegal, but we would only recommend that the right person reports it. We would not contact the police ourselves.

Both individuals are now adults, and safeguarding does not give us the authority to make a police report on behalf of an adult.

The person who received the images is the one who has to report it. Parents and safeguarding cannot do it for them.

Your point about “supporting police involvement because he was distraught” doesn’t change safeguarding thresholds. An ex‑student being upset is not automatically a safeguarding matter for the school unless the risk is current, immediate, and directly linked to the school environment. Distress caused by a private relationship between two 18‑year‑olds does not meet that threshold.

The behaviours you’ve listed — harassment, repeated contact, explicit photos, lies about pregnancy, threats, refusing to accept no, creating new accounts — are all things the police can deal with, but only if the person affected chooses to report it. Safeguarding cannot escalate that for an adult who is not a pupil on roll.

And the idea that “the schools are going to continue to support your son” is simply not accurate. Schools do not have the remit or the resources to provide ongoing safeguarding support to an ex‑pupil for issues happening entirely outside the school environment. It would also create a conflict: safeguarding teams cannot insert themselves into a private situation between two adults, especially when one of them is not connected to the school at all. At most, a school might signpost him to external services, but they cannot be involved in the situation and they cannot act on his behalf.

Contacting her parents because of all this is also not safeguarding practice. Out‑of‑hours parental contact is reserved for urgent risks involving pupils under the school’s care, not adults in a private dispute.

This is absolutely nothing to do with a Parents' Association. NOTHING.

That was my experience- I wanted to report it, and I rang the police but they wouldn’t take my report. It had to be DD who reported it.

I wonder if single sex schools is part of the problem?

I'm astonished at the behaviour of these girls in the face of someone who repeatedly says he's not interested.
Friends with benefits has been a thing forever but ime it only works when the couple are mature and experienced.

I think you haven't gone far wrong OP.
He obviously knows about consent and was very, very careful to get it.
He knows about contraception. What more could he do than use a condom?
His main wrong doing is being unpleasant to the girls and perhaps he should have felt able to ask for your advice sooner.

And as for involving the PTA, that is ridiculous. Sorry op. But it is.

Oh get a grip.
It’s not that deep.

This girl/woman/female could be turning into a prolific liar and needs to be stopped and face the consequences of her lies. Until then she will keep on doing it under other circumstances and ruin other peoples' lives.

It is relevant that she probably has issues mentally but that does not mean she can go on to ruin lives. She needs to be stopped from this behaviour as she could escalate in future. This is not a minor or unimportant situation.

I think it is and I think we made a mistake sending our boys to a single sex school. But the evidence does show girls do better in single sex schools.

" Surely you would block and delete after the first one. Not let them build up and keep them on your phone"

As a man deleting them might be a bad idea.
There have been cases where men have been accused of rape and had charges dismissed as phone evidence has shown the complainant had sent nudes, pestered for sex etc.

Why sorry you’re allowed your opinion it’s an open forum :)

Keep on blocking and deleting, and report stalking and harassment to the police. Keep his social media profiles private and change the privacy settings that only “friends and followers” can send him direct messages.

Not mum and dad taking it up with the schools and the “parents association”.

I'm not the one having the no-strings sex....
But I was decades ago.
Young people having sex isn't a new thing....

I don't understand why people are blaming a 17 year old boy who was being harassed and sent unsolicited nudes from an 18 year old girl (a crime).

She was the older one. If there was any taking advantage happening, we all know an 18 year old boy would be blamed for doing this to a 17 year old girl.

I sincerely hope you're able to get him support for his mental health, and that the school can deal with apparently multiple girls sending underage boys unsolicited explicit pictures (and vice versa if other boys are participating unlike your son). That's deeply alarming for not just the boys, but the girls as well.

It’s deep enough for mummy and daddy to go running to the school and “parents association” about their sons sex life 🤣

You can message someone on instagram and Snapchat even if your profile is private his social media is private. You can also call someone on no caller if multiple times even if they’ve blocked your number. I do agree he should have told us sooner as she seemed very persistent in contacting him.

No one’s taking it up with the parents association it’s more so conversation. Parents always talk about what’s going on. Parents association isn’t going to deal with it it’s the police that will see how to go about it. They might even think it’s all just a bit of fun we will see

lol @ op not realising the school are only pandering to her because she pays upwards of 50k per year to send her kids there

I never at any point suggested that it was was a "a bit of fun" 🙄

Regarding the first point the explicit sexual images, while they may not have been solicited by your son, were from someone he was in a consensual sexual relationship with. How is this possibly a police matter? This was not him receiving photos from some random on the Internet. I'm sure like most teenage boys he is viewing fannies on the Internet on a daily basis. He would not have been shocked or had a fit of the vapours by seeing genitals /body parts he'd already seen irl. .Get real.

Regarding the second point, this does sound very much like the definition of over dramatic teenage behaviour!

While both your son and the girl have behaved poorly here OP they both have the excuse of youth and stupidity. What is your excuse for this horrific escalation of matters? Foot stamping because your son entirely voluntarily deferred a year at uni? Really? All this over that?

To answer your original question no YANBU to be angry at this girl misleading your son but YAVVVVVU to have behaved and escalated as you have.

I pity the poor women who end up with you as their MIL.