AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

The original poster can oniy control her own child and his actions. A power trip at the expense of another kid who was clearly vulnerable (and I don't believe for a second that any kid who has been to school wouldn't see this a mile off) is bullying, abusive and so, so wrong. He will hopefully have learned the consequences of pushing someone like this over the edge. It's encumbant on the parents to make this clear and not get stuck shifting blame in a way that will improve nothing. The only thing they can improve is their son's behaviour.

I agree with all of it. Hopefully we can grow up a bit more this is our first incident involving explicit picture they have to be reported regardless of the context as it is a crime to send unwanted explicit pictures to someone.

I'm backtracking a bit now, with all the updates. I can see why the schools might want to be involved because all their messages to pupils about the dangers of sending explicit pictures have simply not been received. Although OP's son hasn't sent any he has received them from multiple girls! I imagine the schools also believe they have taught lessons on consent and respect and some of that hasn't been learned either. OP is obviously shocked that her son has been caught up in this.

You’ve done the right thing. This is beyond what can be handled ‘in house’, as it were, and you contacted those who were equipped to deal with it. This is precisely why safeguarding is in place.

Don’t beat yourself up as parents. Your son is not a failure. Some may personally take issue with the morality of casual sex, but he went about it exactly as he should have done. He was upfront and honest with her throughout, and he took her at her word that she was on the same page. He made sure protection was used. He may have been harsh to her afterwards when she wasn’t accepting being told no, but harshness is arguably warranted when you’re being bombarded with unwanted communication. He was there offering support to her when he believed she was pregnant. He didn’t lie to her, and he didn’t try to tell her what to do with her own body. He also knew to ask for help when he became aware that he was out of his depth. That speaks well of you as parents, and of him too tbh.

This is exactly why we are reporting it. I am confused why people on here think it’s not something worth reporting. Especially as my husband and I have seen the explicit photos we aren’t going to keep that to ourselves it’s not right at all. Our younger children go to the school too clearly the message hasn’t been sent clearly by the schools in regards to explicit photos for one and unwanted explicit photos and warrants a refresher on this topic.

As a safeguarding lead, I can say clearly that nothing the OP has described would allow us, under KCSIE, to contact the girl’s parents.

She is 18, she is not our pupil, and the concern did not arise within our school environment. A father contacting us about an adult at another school does not create a safeguarding matter, and his parents’ association role has no impact whatsoever.

Even with the mention of explicit images, this does not give our school any authority to act. Under KCSIE. What the OP has said is not safeguarding protocol or procedure; it is not how safeguarding works, and it is not how decisions are made.

If I were the safeguarding lead at her school, my response would depend entirely on what was found on her device while she was on “school premises” Which isn’t the case here!

Regarding the OP’s claim that the safeguarding lead contacted her parents outside school hours and during school holidays: that would only happen if there was an immediate safeguarding risk involving a pupil on roll.

Out‑of‑hours contact is reserved for urgent, high‑risk situations. It would not happen because of a private dispute between two 18‑year‑olds, and it would not happen based on information from someone with no parental responsibility for her.

If I were safeguarding lead at our school, I would do nothing at all, because none of this falls within our remit.

My personal opinion is that I do believe the OP when she says her son and the girl had a relationship and that she may have faked a pregnancy. That part is entirely plausible. But the way her husband has presented his involvement – contacting the girl’s school safeguarding lead because he sits on the parents’ association at a completely different school – has been overly embellished.

A parents’ association has no safeguarding authority, no investigative role, and no power to escalate concerns about a pupil at another school. His involvement does not justify any safeguarding action, and it certainly does not explain the out‑of‑hours parental contact the OP is claiming and certainly not raising his sons private affairs at the next parental association meeting 🙄

Well they have recommend police involvement and have said they will support as he was very distraught an ex student hurting themselves not even a year after finishing would still be a matter for the school. Would you not say harassment and explicit photos are a matter of police involvement especially to a 17 yo and we have had contact with the parents because their daughter regardless has sent multiple explicit photos, lies about pregnancy, lied about a planned abortion, made threats when he didn’t respond, refused to accept no, made other accounts to contact,

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex between consenting adults on the same page. He didn’t use her any more than she used him. It isn’t fault that she chose to lie to him.

The girl is still a student at the sister school as she’s resitting an A level. The police would have informed the school themselves if OP and her husband hadn’t. They work with the safeguarding team.

They have given the son's phone to the school and the girls school have allegedly taken her phone from her. So much drama and unnecessary escalation over a teenage spat.

I am not going to tell my son to abstain from sex that doesn’t fix any of these issues he’s just turned 18 of course he will want to have sex. I will however teach him how to respect woman he says he will take this as a lesson I don’t think he’ll be having sex again anytime soon

My ds is also 18 and left school in June following A levels.
Contacting his former school about anything to do with his adult life wouldn't even be a consideration for me.

Unwanted multiple explicit photos and making accounts to contact someone who has told you to stop isn’t teenage drama. We will just have to see how police view it maybe they’ll agree it’s all just a bit of fun isn’t it.

Good for you. My son was searching up things to do with suicide we will get on the advice we can on how to support him and make sure this situation doesn’t happen again. My other sons also attend that school seems to me they’re not teaching them anything regarding explicit picture and unwanted picture being sent and about what is harassment.

Any sensible person would know that you'd be taking one hell of a chance by forgetting about this.

She's unhinged.
Your dh has the wisdom to see what's possibly ahead here (be glad of it, other men may have their head in the clouds)
false accusations, goodness knows what else.

I wonder if a restraining order would be possible.

I'm getting annoyed by those making excuses for her.
Ten-year-olds while not knowing about how babies are made know you don't lie about stuff like this!
They know it would be wrong for mummy to say she's pregnant to daddy when she is not!

If she has MH problems, she will receive support, if she's just a nasty person she should receive the appropriate consequences.

Never mind her, though, keep your son safe.
It would be good if he could go to university now but it just can't be ignored.

Why can’t he have casual sex? Seriously, why?
We are all free to have casual sex because it’s FUN.

There is no law that says you need to be in a deep and meaningful relationship with everyone you have sex with.

Yes, it’s a lovely part of a committed relationship but most people enjoy sexy and sometimes, you just meet someone that you want to hook up with no strings attached.

He’s just as free as any girl to have sex with whomever he wants. It doesn’t make him a Bad Person.

It's the OP and her husband exhibiting "escalating behaviour" and they don't have the excuse of raging. teenage hormones or naivety.

If the son is googling suicide over an abortion and a year's uni deferral, what do you think this girl is thinking with her facing utter humiliation and her life literally falling apart?

I never said she was blameless, but this has gone way too far. It ought to have been left to the teens to sort out by themselves. Involving the school was spiteful and malicious and out of all proportion.

She does need reporting to the police. It sounds like she has done this previously and what’s to stop her doing it again? What if the next lad she does this to actually does commit suicide?

I think you sound very sensible. Your son has learned a hard lesson and at least he tried to do the right thing in the end, and you are supporting him without minimising what happened.
I think if that was my daughter I would want to know as obviously she is not doing well, one way or another.
Ignore the people here saying he is the villain or that you should not get involved, or have told the school.
Blaming people, ignoring bad behaviour or doing nothing about it is part of how these messes continue to arise, and how bad behaviour escalates.

@PithySloth - I am so sorry to hear that your son was researching methods to kill himself. That must have been terrifying for you to discover. I have posted already quite a lot earlier today and, while I had some criticism for your son, I think you have also done a lot right: he used a condom; he was supportive when he thought she was pregnant; he was willing to step up; and he is now talking to you.

IME in life the most painful lessons are often the most useful ones and there is useful learning material here including hopefully never to sleep with anyone who is pressing you to do so when you have already said no and to make clear there will be police involvement if someone persists in sending unwanted images of themselves. That was abusive behaviour on her part and - as it happens - a taste of what was to come.

FWIW, I arrived at uni under somewhat of a shadow because I had unknowingly been the other woman by dating a slightly older man whom I believed - wrongly - to be single; his girlfriend turned up at my house to blame me for the abortion she'd had because he had been having an affair and he also sent me a poem about the abortion and his related grief though of course he had brought the situation on himself; I also got very scared about HIV+ and AIDS even though we had used condoms (this was the late 1980s) and all in all it was rather horrible and I was put off dating for quite a while. With time it all faded but I learnt some useful lessons around that also.

I don't know why you've had such a hard time on here OP. I have a daughter a similar age and if she was receiving unsolicited photos as your son was I would be doing exactly the same thing. As it seems such common practice in those schools its obviously a huge issue and needs addressing pronto- thank you for being the one to put their head above the parapet and start this conversation and hopefully massive change in the behaviours.

I hope everyone involved receives the care they need, it sounds like your son has learned a very tough lesson but while he was blunt and rude he was also careful and willing to face up to things so it sounds to me like he's doing ok. I am a similar age to you and I distinctly remember the "pregnancy scare" if a boy ended a relationship happening more than once.

Why are you asking his former school to take responsibility for providing advice and support. He's an adult man who doesn't attend school.
The police, along with his former school can reiterate the message to current pupils ( who are actual children) about safeguarding/ internet use/ explicit messages etc etc.

Teens can’t sort it out themselves. They’ve proved it as one teen said to the other please stop contacting me. The other continued and kept sending unsolicited pictures. My son then blocks her she proceeds to make a fake account on social media once again sending him explicit pictures and asking to speak.
Not sure how else a teen is supposed to solve that after asking the other to just leave him alone as this is too much for him.
Youll say he’s too immature etc but he tried his best to alleviate the situation there’s parts where he could have done better but I don’t think there’s anything more clear than “please stop sending me picture just leave me alone” verbatim. Clearly they can’t solve it between them.

Because my younger children go to that school. We first asked if it’s okay to ask for advice on what to do in regards to this and they said they’re happy to help us and have advised that this is a police matter based on the online activity.

The problem nowadays is that young people have sex first before they have worked out whether they even really like the person.

The girl is immature and was hurt by rejection so told a stupid lie. She held out hopes that this was the start of a new relationship, and your son thought being explicit from the outset that he didn't want a relationship was enough to use the girl just for sex. Life isn't always that simple.

.You son has learned a valuable lesson and perhaps will be more careful who he uses like that in future. The girl has hopefully learned not to say yes to boys that only want sex and a one night stand, if she wants a more romantic relationship.

Yes, unlike the girl, they escalated appropriately. Again, any humiliation she feels is the result of her own choices. She needs intervention, however uncomfortable she may find it.

They weren’t sorting it out themselves. That’s why outside help was needed here.