AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

As a mum of DDs. Exactly this. OP, your son sounds utterly vile and entitled however young girls are now more than aware of this type of behaviour and boys like this quickly get a bad reputation...In the politest possibly way, he needs to learn to control himself. What a slag!

If you want it to be “solved at home” you wouldn’t involve the school and your creepy husband wouldn’t be so set on telling the other parents.

By all means you can ask the school to remind their students about sexual safety and the dangers of sending naked photos. But for your husband to want to discuss it with the “parents association” is fucking weird. So yes, I will be mortified for you.

If you so desperately want to know “what the fuck is going on” spend less time arguing with strangers on the internet and spend more time parenting and guiding your IMMATURE adult son!!

This is why DH has spoken to the safeguarding lead as she said she lied about the pregnancy and they’ve said it’s a serious matter. DH was only asking if it warrants being reported and they said very much so especially with what’s been going on with the multiple messages and contact as well as the new accounts after being blocked and asked to just leave him alone and unwanted explicit pictures

The ins and outs of these kids’ behaviour (so to speak) have been exhausted already in your thread, and both of them need a damn good shake, but honestly I think you are wasting crucial time on this unsavoury nonsense when Durham should be your concern. Drop everything and resolve this matter.
No flipping gap year, but an urgent campaign to get DS de-deferred.

If he waits to leave home, he’ll intensify his feelings about untrustworthy girls, possibly increasing his basic attitude about casual shags. (Not that casual shags are wrong, but you both need to be generous, and honest)
Get him away from this festering pile of ordure, or it’ll infect him at precisely the age when lads should be learning much more wholesome lessons about sex.

Nobody died; stop turning this into Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

She probably thought by sleeping with him he’d fall for her, and then when they didn’t work she resorted to the lie. Your son hasn’t done anything wrong here but I can’t help but feel abit sorry for the girl, she’s so young and still exploring relationships and obviously has some issues if that’s where her brain went.

Do you also think the girl is a slag?

She’s the one who had sex with DS and is constantly sending him explicit photos.

Fair enough yeah I should and I agree he is immature I’ve maintained that throughout he’s not innocent at all

I don’t want it solved at home this is beyond what we are capable to handling now that we have seen explicit pictures we had to report it and also mention that we have seen them.

Exactly. It’s been established that she has a history of lying, so it’s an ongoing issue with her. She’s also apparently incapable of taking no for an answer, and continued to send photos of texts when explicitly told not to. She was showing no signs of leaving him alone when OP found out.

It is very much a safeguarding issue. The girl needs intervention now. Downplaying it and making excuses for her isn’t doing her any favors.

He isn't a school student. Did you read @BagpipeBoss 's post.

Luckily he’s an alumni the school is still a place for him he has been there since he was a toddler and quite frankly it’s a safeguarding issue on our part too not just our sons.

To lie about being pregnant is incredibly manipulative. If my dd did this I'd be incredibly upset with her. I have a son and wouldn't like him sleeping around but I remember in my teens loads of people, including myself had casual sex and didn't want relationships it's not a new phenomenon. Comparing him to Andrew Tate is absolutely ridiculous especially as he had told her beforehand it was not on the table. Op yadnbu I would also want to tell her parents, why should she get away scot free to pull this manipulation on another lad.

They’re going about this in exactly the right way.

How would you suggest me and my freak husband go about it ? Honestly I am genuinely asking as I am lost as to what to do. The situation needs to be documented, we have seen explicit pictures he had to report that and the phone had to taken as the safeguarding have said this is a cause of concern.

Hi all. We’re going to step in here because this has started to feel less like a discussion and more like a pile-on of the OP.

There’s plenty in the OP’s post that people may disagree with or want to challenge, and that’s absolutely fine. What’s less helpful is when lots of posters start picking apart the OP rather than the issue, making assumptions about motives, or adding another little dig because the thread has already gone that way.

None of those posts may look especially dramatic on their own, but taken together they can make a thread pretty miserable to participate in, and that’s exactly the sort of thing we want to see less of.

So please do keep disagreeing, but try to stick to what’s actually been posted and leave the personal stuff out of it. Thanks.

I thought reporting is a good idea. This isn’t something you solve in the house when it involves such things it’s not just fake pregnancy and threats it’s unwarranted and unsolicited things too as well as my son searching up about suicide amongst abortion risks. They’re saying it’s the wrong way but not telling me how else. We have spoken to our son, we will continue to speak to him and he has learnt his lesson and hopefully we can do better as parents.

So females who enjoy no strings attached sex and make it clear thats all they want are also slags.

Guessing you didnt quite think that post through 😂

What is there to solve?

The girl has admitted she isn’t pregnant. Your son has no loyalty or responsibility for this girl. Hopefully he has blocked her number and any more social media accounts. If she continues to contact him he can go to the police to report stalking and harassment.

He has left the school now. He is an adult and is free to move on with his life and go to Durham to find the “better looking girls”. Is he not?

It seems you and your husband are enjoying this whole spectacle and making it into a huge issue and drama to gleefully update other parents to discuss this girls sex life.

Just so fucking mortifying.

Your husband is right, you woukd feel bad if she did this to someone else or told a worse lie.
Her parents need to know, if she does it again or worse and her parents end up backing her they need to know her past lies.

Now teach him about red flags. What the girl said in item 3 is a big red flag. He should have disengaged at that point.

I have 2 teenage boys. I'm trying to give them the tools to identify toxic people and to not get involved with them in the first place. (I had a very toxic relationship with their father and I want them to know that's not normal).

You can't expect all people to be reasonable, you have to teach your son to look for the reasonable ones.

That you teach your son to not use girls for casual sex.

That you teach your son to immediately block any unwanted contact.

That you teach your son to immediately delete any unwanted sexual images.

That you teach your son to report any stalking and harassment to the police himself.

That you and your husband report the stalking and harassment to the police only. And grow the fuck up instead of wanting to discuss your adult child’s issues with other parents and a school’s safeguarding team.

I’ve not read the rest of your thread although I did comment saying the same thing, more or less.

I feel really sorry for your son. It sounds like he’s really tried to do “the right thing.”

Absolutely NO Andrew Tate vibes at all. He’s free to have sex with whomever he wants.

This girl’s behaviour is nothing short of despicable.
I cannot find ANY excuse for her, at all.

Exactly! I’m baffled that the school think it’s something the PA should be aware of too. I’m a DDSL and there’s no way on earth I would be encouraging a parent to go to the PTA with this.

Nothing to solve but it will need to be documented. The constant explicit photos are a cause of concern. He blocked her yet she made another account to send him pictures even after he said to stop and just wants to be left alone that is a cause of concern. We have seen all of this and are choosing to report it it’s not right for us to see explicit photos and keep silent about and it’s certainly not right for our son to be threatened and also told about a pregnancy that isn’t real and keep silent about it and someone who is able to do that can do other things. None of it is right even my son saying he wants to meet better girls at uni that’s not right either no one is saying he’s right.

I would rather this situation be mortifying than see explicit photos as a grown adult and not report it nothing can be done about it but I have to report. I have worked in schools before and you’ve always had to report such things even if it’s minor it’s just for documentation. When I worked at a school my youngest son was at his friend from school came for a sleep over I had to report that too to be documented as I worked in the school and has dealt with his friend on a professional level and now a personal level as he is my sons friend and was visiting our house.

Everyone, male and female, young and old, has sex just for fun because it is fun !! It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, doesn't AT advocate sex only for procreation or some such nonsense so sex for fun is the opposite of what he thinks is right.