AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I think we've outed the bunny boilers.

When your son is involved with a young woman who is as unhinged enough to fabricate a pregnancy, the idea that a girl of her age didn't know it was wrong to do this is utter bullshit, you get it ALL out into the open using as many legitimate sources as you can.

You simply do not know what she'll say or do next.

I think you and your dh have handled this poorly and need to stop the catastrophizing.

I think his school needs to review their phse provision, their pastoral care etc - if he felt he had no one to talk to. Hopefully that will be looked into as a priority?

The girl is one, possibly unwell individual. The bigger concern to me is that your son and his friends seem to have a quite misogynistic attitude towards women. And if he didn't understand contraception enough that he had to Google it after the event, he possibly shouldn't have been having sex in the first place.

I hope he can in time move on, feel supported and move forward with this as a valuable lesson learnt

She has been in a position to agree to sex since she was 16, legally. You telling me young teens have a reasonable expectation of marriage and happy ever after?
Young teens, boys and girls are experimenting. I know the girls were going for sex from age 12 up at my schools; one 14 yr old was shagging the ‘boy next door’ who was 19 and a policeman. These were not deprived kids. They were grammar school kids from executive families. Getting their own cars to go to school in age 17. They know what they’re doing. At 18 , I was one of the last, and made fun of. If they’re old enough to leave home and go to work, or uni, vote, get married , they’re old enough to know if they want sex or not

Next time he'll learn to: 1) wear condoms 2) ask for proof of the pregnancy (really, that's the oldest trick in the book!) 3) never believe when a woman says she's fine with only sex (it's like when a man say he wants a relationship just to get the woman in bed. People will say anything to get what they want).

You seem surprised at all that.

What do you think we should have done honestly ? We have had access to explicit things my son has been sent multiple explicit phones. He has said no many times. He’s blocked her she proceeds to make another account to contact him and send him photos he blocks her again she makes another account once again and send a explicit photos asking to just speak to him after he has said no.

m I am not sure what else we as parents are meant to do but I do believe this needs to be documented. He’s only been an adult this month he wants when all this was transpiring. I am not saying he is innocent and he can explain what the hell has been going on here when he’s questioned as everything will be documented. He is willing to do that. I also don’t believe someone needs to be threatened by fake pregnancy regardless.

I think your husband is right to take to school.

I am sorry this has happened. Mumsnet is not great for nuance. Your son was upfront from the beginning and wanted to do the right thing when she said she was pregnant . How could he have predicted she was vulnerable or capable of what she did?

I think it could be worth getting thread deleted because you’ve inadvertently added lots of background info about your family!

also you partly raised the thread to gain understanding about teenager’s attitudes to sex nowadays!

Oh hush with the hyperbole. Holding someone accountable for their own actions is not akin to wielding a pitchfork.

She’s exhibiting escalating behavior that should be addressed, not just for her own sake but for the sake of those around her.

That's very dangerous rhetoric about children you're spouting there. 12 and 14 year old girls 'going for sex'. 'They knew what they were doing'. I'm sure I've heard exactly that in relation to the victims of the grooming gangs.

1. he wore a condom, she’s even confirmed this via text message saying maybe the condom split
2. she said she was on contraception and he even reiterated that in the messages and she said yes but they’re not 100 percent effected
3. he accepted that and asked for proof she said why don’t you believe me and I’m already sad etc
4. I don’t believe anyone needs to be sent explicit pictures multiple times even after saying no many times then proceeding to make another account once blocked to send explicit pictures and asking him to just speak to her after she’s said she lied about the pregnancy.
5. I don’t think it’s nice to see your sons search history and see things about suicide, contraception failures, abortions risks etc

I am not surprised at all I think my son isn’t mature enough to be having sex we’ve told him that he says he’s learnt his lesson. Hopefully he doesn’t get himself into a situation like this again.

You've mentioned explicit photos from multiple girls. I assume you and your husband have looked at these based on what you've said. Fucking disgusting from both of you. Those poor girls having someone's Dad looking at them naked

MN is really not a place for nuance. Girl sends unwanted explicit photos and even makes another account just to send more after she’s been told no that’s okay ? Multiple times surely that’s fair to document and speak to safeguarding. It’s not just sixth form drama this has gone beyond that.

Yep and police offers that will be someone’s dad will be looking at them too. They’ve had police at their school to teach them about online safety many times and why sending unwanted explicit photos isn’t a good thing. DH has reported it for the exact reason your are seeing it’s disgusting, he has been honest and it is only right we report it. The safeguarding team has said this a police matter and they will be reporting and seeing what has transpired here why people are sending photos after being told no multiple times.

It is sad, but it isn't just boys. Apparently it can be, and is, almost the same as going on a date. It is completely alien to me

Could you address this question, OP?

The amount of people on this thread tying themselves in knots to somehow place the blame on OP's son and/or husband for a young woman lying about a pregnancy is eye rolling.

He was upfront from the start that he didn't want a girlfriend, presumably as he was leaving for Uni soon. He used contraception. He dropped out of Uni to support her.

Not all young women who are so desperate for a boyfriend that they lie about something as huge as this are 'vulnerable'. Some are just desperate.

He's done absolutely nothing wrong and I would be furious in OPs shoes.

Discussed contacting the police with your ds- you are describing harassment in your posts.
They would then liaise with the school, speak to those involved etc.
Instead, you have took it upon yourselves to contact a school that your ds doesn't even attend.

Oh sorry I missed that. The safeguarding lead as they will need to take the phones since this a police matter and a lot of involved online/social media accounts. The other family’s parents have been contacted they’re aware of what is going on but no update as of yet as it was reported Monday

And the points made in this post @PithySloth

Agree.
It's not about punishing her as such - though she should be held accountable-it's about protecting the son.

He is damned lucky he's got parents who will go the extra mile.

Forgetting it is not an option. It just isn't.

She is unhinged to do this. Who knows what else she's capable of? What other accusations will be made?

Sad? On the contrary. I had a great time, back in my casual sex days.

There’s a difference between wanting to date someone, and just wanting to have sex with them.

Nope we contacted the school my son attended as his siblings are still there. He was at the school collecting his results just a couple of weeks ago. The girls school is the sister school so they’re well connected and staff know each other both schools safeguarding team know one another.

This may have already been covered: People with ADHD can have something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, meaning they are incredibly sensitive to perceived rejection. Also they can be impulsive and riak taking, which might explaon the other behaviour.
You have done the right thing reporting it. Tbe girl appears to have broken the law. It might turn out that yoir son has ommitted to tell you something that chamges how this os viewed but at the moment yoi act on tbe evidence you have.

My children went to state comprehensives.
Tbey had it drilled into them about not sending "nudes" and any rumour of ot was taken seriously. If this has not happened here, the school has let the children down.

Why do you have this information? That is surely a breach of confidentiality