AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Some of these replies are making it incredibly easy for the Manosphere to perpetuate. There's calling out sexist and misogynistic bullshit, and then theres just plain hypocrisy and infantilising of women and default blaming males for females actions and decisions.

And I say that as someone who generally dislikes most men and very rarely stick up for them on here and in real life, to the point ive been accused of having a feminist chip on my shoulder by both men and women I know 🙄

The story makes no sense to me. He defers his place to Durham for a year to 'support' a girl who doesn't even intend to keep the baby? This is the same girl OP admits he was excessively blunt (cruel) towards and wanted nothing more to do with after having sex with her?

Yep!!!

Imagine the responses if the girl didn’t want anything more to do with DS and so he made up a massive lie to try and coerce her into a relationship or having sex again and constantly sent her naked photos of himself.

You really are vile. I was using harm as a euphemism for suicide but I'm sure you'd also be happy to be holding a pitchfork if this girl is humiliated and hounded to take her life over a stupid mistake.

Why can't someone want sex for the sake of sex without it being 'Andrew Tate' vibes?

Lust is a thing for men and women alike. As long as you are clear in your intentions there is nothing wrong with two people who fancy each other, but don't want to enter into a relationship, having sex.

The problems arise when one of them pretends that this is all they want, and ends up feeling hurt that this is all that is on offer/. Unfortunate as that is, it is a 'them' problem.

It makes zero sense that your son would defer his place at university in order to support her through an abortion. I think there’s lots you’re leaving out there- perhaps your son felt loads of pressure about being sporty and academic and know that those things are rated highly in terms of importance to you and to your husband and wanted a way to be able to have a year to breathe. Deferring a year for the reason you gave makes zero sense at all.

Your son is not in the wrong here but your husband is and his behaviour has been deplorable.

This really isn't a matter for the school or her parents shes an adult.
My son experienced something similar and i understand why you are upset and angry about this.
My son told a girl he met online that he wasnt interested in a relationship and wanted casual sex,he always used protection.
He quickly (after 3 hook ups) that this wasnt right for him. When he distanced himself the girl became harrassing,constant messages ,when he blocked her, email and online contacting. When this didnt get a response she said she was pregnant and needed money for a termination.He sent her money and asked if she wanted him to go with her/support her. She said no .
We could never be sure wether she was pregnant or not.
Rumours have got back to my son saying she was angry he cooled things with her so punished him by extracting money.we dont know for sure though.
Anyway i think it has taught him a life lesson about the dangers of casual sex that he had never considered before.

I think there seems to be a double standard on here despite me staying from the jump I am not saying my son is innocent or an angel but I do believe receiving explicit pictures etc when he has said no multiple times even blocked the person yet the person still contacts him on another account to send more explicit pictures makes him a victim regardless of why he is a perfect victim or not. There’s an assumption that one has to be a perfect victim to be a victim. I am disappointed at the situation my son is in and all the things that have transpired. It’s just quite odd because if he was a girl I think they’d be a completely different view on here.

Lying about pregnancy even after discussing contraception and using a condom doesn’t seem that bad because it was the girl that did it. I am just in disbelief. I didn’t come here to say it’s a villain vs victim situation by my oh my.

There’s been lots of messages from people telling me how in disbelief they are at some of the responses. I made a big mistake coming in here there’s no measured take, on nuances just he’s bad and she’s good very black and white view.

@PithySloth you are right to involve third parties in this so don't listen to any detractors.

It is vital that this is all out in the open.

This girl is unhinged (most people by her age know it is utterly wrong to fake a pregnancy. I did!! Most normal people know it is immoral when they're actually a child.
Not because they know about the mechanics of how babies are made but because they know it's wrong to lie and moreover very bad to lie about something like this. We know this by 10 ffs).

She should receive some retribution for this.
Yes she should.
It is outrageous to lie about something like this.

More importantly though, and I'm not saying this to scare you, but if she can lie about this well what else can she make up later down the line?
I don't need to spell it out but it's a 4-letter word beginning with an 'r'.

You need to protect your son in all ways that you can via the appropriate channels.

I don't need to say that he must be very cautious about contraception and use condoms ultra carefully from now on but I'll say it anyway.

It’s a matter of the school due to multiple explicit photos after he has said no many times, lying about abortion appointment , threats in regards to the fake pregnancy, making of fake accounts after, he has said no and wants no contact and my son searching up about feeling suicidal and having no one to talk to about and feeling shame over it and upset at the threats, he is getting counselling support. The safeguarding have said it’s a matter for the school too as they’re concerned as to what has happened here.

When did teen boys ever have sex for any other reason? Of course it’s because they want sex. When I was a teen, it was the only thing boys were interested in and Andrew Tate was still jumping fences with his father . ..or maybe grandfather …And it’s the main interest of older males, too.

Yanbu to be angry that this young woman lied about a pregnancy and it has impacted your sons future plans, albeit temporarily.
The rest of it is crazy and using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
I think you and your husband need to take a massive step back from the entire situation.
Leave the school alone and leave the young women alone.
Your ds can report the harassment to the police if he chooses to and can take it from there.

Your husband is creepy and weird as fuck to be wanting to talk about his son’s and a girl’s sex life to the “parents association”.

I am absolutely fucking mortified for you all.

Oh, I didn't realise or think they were sharing the actual photos, just informing the school of the situation with the lying about the pregnancy.

Well he has agreed to cooperate. I don’t believe my son needs to be threaten to the point of searching about suicide. I believe it’s a serious matter to receive contact any unwarranted pictures and it’s a situation that involved third parties. We can’t solve it at all it’s good some parents would be able to but we can’t as we have gone through his phone and have sadly seen some awful messages and explicit picture which we had to let a third party know about for guidance on what to do as it is a crime to send explicit picture multiples times to someone after they’ve said no many times.

Well seems as though the safeguarding team is creepy as fuck too and I’m guessing the police will be creepy as fuck when they look through his phone too and discuss what has transpired here.
Safeguarding team wants the parents association to know about what has happened as it’s a lot from unwarranted explicit pictures to threats in terms of a now discovered fake pregnancy, faking an abortion appointment, fake accounts once he said he wanted no contact more explicit photos on the fake account, son searching up about suicide and having no one to talk to about what happening I think that is very much a third party matter and cannot just be solved by us speaking to our son

I think it’s a matter for the school at the very least. It needs to be officially documented in case she ever tries similar again. She needs help at the very least, but your son is the victim and needs to know she has had to face someone about her behaviour

Does she have MH health issues though? Or just a warped perspective on what would have or should have happened.

Apart from misnomers, people use poor mental health as an excuse for everything and anything despite being completely unaware of the individual's state of mind.

That the individual appears to be clueless about reality doesn't seem to occur to them.

Agree. Some of these responses are bonkers.

The current situation seems to be that both these young people are vulnerable

• she was never in a position to agree to no-strings sex as she is insufficiently mature. Her subsequent actions and the pics make that obvious.
• he is now feeling bad about what has happened to the point where he is looking at suicide sites.

Two young people who have made a mess of things as many of us do at that age.

The priorities now are that the girl should receive the support she needs to deal with sexual relationships wisely, and your son should receive the support that helps him to realise that one mistake is not the end of the world but that he needs to learn from this in terms of how he handles future relationships. That any relationship with anyone of any age or gender must be based on kindness and respect.

IT’S NONE OF THE PARENTS ASSOCIATION’S BUSINESS. THAT’S WHY IT’S CREEPY AS FUCK.

Jesus, I’m even more mortified for you know.

This needs to be officially documented it’s not just a fake pregnancy it’s couples up with lots of threats and my son searching about suicide. I’m quite upset as to what has happened and I can’t fix it neither can my husband it needs third party and safeguarding are the ones who have suggested this needs to be reported and documented.

Why do you equate sex with self respect?

As long as he’s using protection and not lying to any of the women, then he’s not doing anything wrong.

The majority of men and women in this country have had sex when not in an official relationship.

The only ones who haven’t are the ones who’ve only ever been with one partner or the ones who can’t be single and jump from 1 relationship to the next.

This. She wasn't to blame for his decision to defer.He needs to learn to treat people with more respect, snagging her because she was desperate for his attention isnt a great thing to do.

Well that’s what the school thinks. The parents association does many things they don’t just sit there to gossip. This encompasses multiple schools under the same association.

Dont be mortified for me I just want my son to explain what the fuck is going on and for it to be documented as this cannot be solved at home.