AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

This

Give over, OP certainly knew it from the messages, and so did her son.

He did finally block her the she made a fake account on social media and send him explicit picture and asked to be unblocked. Blocking doesn’t necessarily stop someone from contacting you.

I had it the other way round, had a couple of FWB's at that age that in the end couldnt accept I didnt want to be attached. I'd have felt so patronised if I thought they believed i had "low self esteem" - yea, no, i just wasn't that into you, as hard as it might have been for the all knowing Male to accept 🙄

So belittling. Once again, poor women simply cannot know their own minds. Bore off.

Don't worry, sensible people don't think that way. Only the extreme misandrist feminists.

You give over! Her son isn't a nursemaid.

Yes he showed that he was an entitled man as do you & your husband. What she did was wrong, but his treatment of her now seems him & his friends knew she was vulnerable & still treated her poorly. He you told your son your husband is going to the school & bring up his business into the public domain, not sure he will agree to that.

How? She said she was ok with the arrangement? Its only afterwards its become apparent she is clearly not ok at all.

she said in the messages maybe the condom split when he asked her because he wore a condom and she said she was also on contraception. I think they’re both in agreement that he did wear a condom.

To the point of potential self harm, for her because that's where I see this leading?

This is a teenage drama blown out of all proportion by adults who ought to know better.

If your son is in a state where he is going to end his life over this, things really have escalated to a ridiculous degree. The young woman is acting crazy, who knows why (but the perceived rejection after sex won’t have helped). Now your son is escalating this , fairly normal from my recollections of teenage years, incident to wanting to end his life. Some deescalation is needed here, and some kind of interaction in your so: mental health because wanting to end your life over this is way out of proportion to what has actually occurred: consensual sex, and unwanted messages after.

What about girls?

I think as long as you are of age, very clear, and it’s entirely consensual, it’s ok.

However, you have to accept that feelings may develop on either side.

Takes two to tango as the saying goes and how many of us can say we haven't done something stupid in our teenage years. Yes, she should not have faked a pregnancy, but let's face it, how many teens are mature these days? Youngsters start having sex because of their hormones. The brain does not mature until they are well into their twenties. I'd suggest you let it be. He's learned a lesson and I'm sure she has. Don't prolong things for either of them.

Yes he knows he will need to speak to the police as the safeguarding team have said unwarranted explicit photos are a cause of concern and quite worrying sending more even after he blocked her by creating another account to contact him. Son has agreed int to cooperate and share what the hell has been going on here. I am for one worried for him no one deserves to be searching up things to do with suicide. We are supporting him as best as we can in terms of everything but also it is a safeguarding issue.

Same here. Got some unasked for dick pictures too, which I’m sure I’d have been encouraged to go to the police about if I’d have posted about it on here at the time. There wouldn’t have been the level of concern about any potential humiliation of the sender, if any at all.

Finding someone attractive and wanting to have sex with them is not the same thing as wanting a relationship with them. I really don’t see what OP son has done wrong here at all. As if it’s his fault that she lied and didn’t want to take no for an answer.

How many times did they have sex over what period of time?

Nine girls were all begging him for sex and sending explicit pictures? That does need looking at by safeguarding is it some sort of a weird competition at the girls school to chase particular boys at the boys school?

I think it was the pregnancy reactions as she said she was pregnant and keeping it and threatening him he was lost on how to tell us. He asked to call her so they can speak about it before he spoke to us she refused then a few days later messaged to say she’s decided to get an abortion. He asked if she’s spoken to her parents she said no then he asked to go to appointment with her she said no then later said she lied about pregnancy she’s sorry she just wanted to speak to him as he kept ignoring her. I think he’s just distraught and not thinking rationally. In his notes he was already writing what he would say to us about her being pregnant it’s a whole mess we don’t even know where to start but we have got him support and the school is aware of what has transpired here beyond just the photos she kept sending him and the messaging on fake accounts. I think he was just confused because she wouldn’t stop contacting even after he blocked her.

It's pathetic in my view as I don't agree with casual sex but if others are happy to sleep around then that's up to them.

I joke that my neighbour lets girls in the front door, has sex with them, lets them out the back door and then another comes through the front door. To me, no morals and no self respect.

Some replies are absolutely bizarre. Not believable, actually.

Someone comparing an 18 year old wanting no strings attached sex to Andrew Tate is totally absurd lol.

Newsflash, 18 year old are horny and lots have one night stands/flings.

Ah yes, so just threaten self harm and you never have to worry about being responsible for your own actions. No matter how poorly, and/or potentially criminally you treat someone.

OP and her family will not be responsible if she tries to harm herself as a result of not being able to face the consequences of what she actively chose to do.

This.

Exactly!!

Honestly I’m of the view that there are some MNers who genuinely don’t enjoy sex and think that women only have sex to please their DH.

Both the girl and DS wanted sex as much as the other.
This wasn’t some drunken party hook up.

He explicitly told her that he didn’t want anything more and she was ok with that.

It’s not his fault that she then wanted more.

I’ve got both DS and DDs and I’m really concerned for my DS with some of the comments I’ve read on here.

It feels like one rule for girls and another for boys regardless of their age. Can we imagine if roles were reversed, will those condemning the OP’s son do the same if it was a girl receiving explicit pictures from a boy who then tries to destroy their life with a lie that could potentially change their future?

It’s generally believed that girls mature faster than boys but in this instance the 17 year old boy was expected to be much more emotionally mature and aware of an 17/18 year old’s feelings by not taking her words at face value. This is not to condone the boy’s attitude or language towards the girl and sex in general.

At least he got his wish. But perhaps having sex may have unwanted/unintended consequences will stay in his mind.

It’s funny as so many posters have agreed with that particular post but not one has explained why.

Why is it sad to have sex just to have sex - it’s the whole point in doing it.