AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

It’s gone on since time immemorial

Dear lord now you are involving the police. I literally have no words...

Unfortunately on here, what ever a male does or doesn’t do, it’s always their fault. Even if they are considered the child.

Definitely there should be some sort of communication in both schools about what age an adult is and what the word No means.

Both schools are probably considered as being academically good private schools
But despite this its pupils don’t seem to understand the difference between child and adult. Nor do any of these pupils understand that once you have sent a photo, your rights to privacy over who sees that photo is gone. I am sure these girls think they are somehow immune from there photo being seen by anyone other than who they sent it to and will be horrified to think that these nude photos have been seen by mums and dads of the boys they sent them to.

Imagine years from now they are working and suddenly one of these photos pops up and the fact that when they were an adult they sent a nude photo to a child. How would they feel about being labelled as a paedophile

These girls live in a rarified world and don’t think those outside their clique will see any of these things.

What your dh is trying to do is definitely something that needs pursuing. These are basic lessons that seemed to have been missed

I might not know all the ins and outs of the Internet but I do know about single sex girls schools.

I am sure there is a “star chart” of how many nudes someone has sent to different boys. How many time they have had sex or who is in a bf/gf relationship.

Usually the teachers think these girls are the alpha group and the ones who can do no wrong. It leads to a culture of bullying as anyone who doesn’t join in is probably considered ugly or unfanciable and are looked down on.

The school has recommend to go to police but they’re yet to retrieve the phone as the safeguarding lead has said they’ll need to report this.

Sorry, see you have told school. She should be accountable for her lies and face consequences.

Why didn't he delete the explicit pictures if he didn't want to see them?

I am not safeguarding lead is. If explicit unwarranted pictures aren’t a concern for you in regards to your children that’s fair but for me it is I think schools are told to be up on this considering they bring the police to the school to discuss these sorts of matters and why you shouldn’t send explicit pictures especially when they’re not wanted. If a boy kept going that to a girl wouldn’t that be a concern. I think it would be but that is just me everyone is different.

But that’s what you see as a 40yo old woman (whatever your age, you’re not 18yo iyswim)

And I very much doubt anyone has ever said that to 18yo boy and girls.
Actually you might even get push back from the girls on that….

Thats Akso why I have issues with the whole ‘this 18yo man use the vulnerability of this girl. He should have known no woman would agree to that’ when the reality is … some would. That’s exactly what ONS are!

for gods sake do not involve the school or parents association.

Way to humiliate the girl in public over a silly mistake. you don't know where she is mentally or emotionally and this could tip her over the edge. Leave her alone. She and your son just need to put the whole sorry business behind them both

"I think they’re trolling because I am confused too. They seem to think I am saying he is an angel or is completely innocent in all of this he is not "

OP your son has not done much wrong. He was perhaps a bit naive but he hasn't deceived anyone or been abusive in any way. Plenty of people have casual sex in their teenage years and onwards.

But you are on Mumsnet where some women will defend women's rights to hit men ( because they are weaker) exclaim men who have affairs are pos, but then if a wife has an affair query which one of her needs he didn't meet or didn't do the dishes enough. There are even people defending a woman who strangled her three kids and blaming the husband instead.

Do what you think is right for your son and ignore the outrageous slurs on his younger brothers characters and your parenting.

This is 2 x 18 year olds - an adult relationship. For goodness sake keep out of it except for offering advice if asked otherwise he'll become a master at keeping secrets from you. Your son is extremely naive for 18 years old but as you say, he'll hopefully learn.

I am not sure that’s a question, we’ve asked him and he’s aware that the safeguarding lead know either way these are such questions he can answer to the police considering there’s multiple even on a fake account she created once he blocked her just to send explicit photos and ask for him to unblock. I am not saying he is innocent at all I am disappointed he didn’t just come to us about this sooner.

Hardly.
She was up for sex ..she was told thats all there was to it.
She decided to fuck him anyway.

17 and 18 last I checked but the drama started before they were 18. Our son has only recently turned 18

Yes, yes we can. The fact that some women on a chat forum think that the OPs son behaved badly to this young woman has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on women's rights to be treated as men's equals. You are seriously suggesting that my rights to equality are conditional on Janet, Jane and Margaret gunning for a random young woman who has done wrong? Says who?

He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

What an absolute prince! 🐸👑

EVERYONE ALWAYS has the right to withhold and the right to withdraw consent. It is not something one person "gives" another !!!!!

I cant see what your DS has done wrong here im really confused by some of these replies. And its great that he can obviously be open with you both. That can be a bit unusual and hard for people to understand if they dont have that sort of close relationship with their DS.

She sounds either deliberately unhinged or is genuinely quite unstable mentally. Either way he can think his lucky stars it was just a close shave with her and move on with his life. Is a huge shame its affected his uni plans though.

If you’re quite sure tyat telling the girl’s school about the lying plus photos would lead to Poluce involvement, then I would not contact the school atm.

If the girl was somehow carrying on with contacting him etc… then I’d think about it. But just now, I wouldn’t,

Btw I imagine the girl’s parents gave Bern involved too by now. Any idea what their stance is about it all?

This is such a reductive post. 18-year-olds (indeed, some 30-year-olds) are not always good at dealing with the consequences of things or knowing what the consequences might be. If you sleep with an unknown or little-known person (male or female), they might turn out to be nuts, emotionally fragile, abusive or any number of other unpleasant things. If you are a woman in that situation, you are usually in the less powerful role, because of hundreds/thousands of years of social conditioning around sex, and because men are, in most cases, vastly physically stronger. This means anyone raising young men should be clear in teaching them that while consent is the legal bar, 'consent' doesn't make what they are about to do risk free/free enough of risk to go ahead. Sleeping with a stranger or near stranger is always some degree of risky. Her son is learning that if you fuck around, you find out, quite literally. That obviously is not the same as being an experienced adult deciding you want casual sex or whatever, and doing so in a safe and fun way, with limited risk.

She sounds personality disordered, but it doesn't actually matter why she chased him and lied about being pregnant - he needs to avoid her completely to the point of never, ever being alone with her again.

We don’t want anyone to get in trouble but it’s a safety concern as we had access to explicit photos and are worried at what is going on. There’s probably more to the story my son isn’t telling us but we’ve got his phone and now he can answer for what the hell he’s got himself into. The fake pregnancy is the least shocking thing here at this point.

Psychotic might be over the top but she's clearly not well balanced. A lot of posters are calling her vulnerable which is also a misnomer and is no excuse for her behaviour.

I actually feel quite sympathetic to OP and her son.

These are teenagers...the way you are talking about them is really disturbing.

You are being totally disingenuous. Your son has had sex with the girl, so seeing explicit photos of her was hardly that much of a shock.

However, you showing said photos to all and sundry is morally indefensible

Just admit your real motivation - that you want her punished for causing a blip in the perfect life you had mapped out for your son and please stop lying to yourself and everyone else about "safeguarding" being your motive.

If I were you I'd be more concerned what your (over) reaction may cause this girl to do next.

Yep…your tale crumbles here ..especially claiming your DH is a solicitor..there is no crime around telling lies with no connected crime..such as dishonestly obtaining money.

What a nasty tale this is.