AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

You are way too involved in this. You need to either get your son to go to the police and report harrassment, or you need to leave it alone. It is creepy beyond belief the extent to which you are involving yourself in this teenage sex drama!

She’s had her phone taken off her school is in touch with her parents now. As she is meant to be redoing one of her alevels at the school not really sure what’s going to happen but DH wants to explain the situation to the parents association but for now school has said this first needs to be handled but they believe the parents association should know as well later on.

You've been really clear in your messages. I can't believe the pile on you're getting and the bashing your son's character's getting when you were very open about the disappointment you felt in some of his actions and comms. The main thing is that yes, it's totally reasonable to fucking fuming that someone has lied about a non-existent pregnancy. It's manipulative and concerning. Some of this thread has shown the worst of netmums, the group think, the assumptions.

I've got a son the same age as yours, I also know lots of other teens that age, and I think you and your husband have handled it well. It's great that he's been able to open and honest with you. The scariest things happen when they keep secrets. We've had friends of my son who've experience sextortion, they've been blackmailed into either sending money or having messages and private photos and videos shared. Thankfully, they've been able to tell a grown up and it's been embarrassing but not ended in the same tragedies we hear of in other situations.

If someone has MH difficulties they are inherently vulnerable.

I feel DS was taught a valuable lesson about being cruel…all that about seeking someone better looking 🤢

Agree 100%. Neither party comes out of this looking good, he’s treated her as a hole to fuck and she’s pissed off and feels rejected. What’s she did is very wrong but he needs to choose hoss sexual partners much more carefully or there could be a string of pregnancies both real and imagined. You souls only have sex with people that you trust and would be happy to raise a child with.

But OP is taking the same issue..’unsolicited’ pictures to the police …did that happen to your friends son?

I think the girl did something unforgivable but your son’s attitude to sex ia not what I’d want in my son. I don’t know but just from biology when a girl has sex they become more attached to the boy: I think he needs some guidance about sex to be honest. He treated her like a prostitute. Personally it doesn’t sit well with me. Is this how we are bringing up our sons. To treat sex like a transaction and as long as you “cover yourself” beforehand you have no responsibility for emotions after? I’m not explaining myself very well but if it was my daughter I’d advise her to steer well clear of boys like this and if he was my son I’d advise him not to use girls for sex but to treat sex with respect - and to abstain rather than get into these transactional arrangements which will backfire hugely on him when emotions take over. I mean people have one night stands where lust takes over and both consent but this seems
very deliberate and planned. I think he should have not had sex with her if he’s not interested as she was clearly invested in him. He’s inexperienced and not very emotionally intelligent to know that most girls will do what he wants in order to keep him. I think you’d be better to advise him to be more respectful around sex - it’s important?

He says he did (as per the end of the OP's first post).

This is rather unsavoury, the girl should absolutely not have lied about a pregnancy no matter what.
However your son sounds like a bit of a prick speaking to girls like that and despite telling her that he was not interested in her he still used her for sex, even worse if his friends had slept with the girl too. That's pretty gross.
Finally I have no idea how this is a "school matter" by any stretch. Is that to say it's like the boy who cried wolf, you'd want to label her as someone who might claim she was assaulted in the future? If so, what if she is raped or assaulted and then she is not believed because of you labelling her as a liar?
Speak to her parents if necessary, they can then talk to school if they want to but this is not a school matter and certainly not something a parents association should be gossiping about.
Tell your son to treat girls with dignity and respect going forward.

I don’t know why so many posters are agreeing with this post.

What other reason (other than to create a baby) do people have sex?

Of course you have sex to just have sex - that’s literally the whole point of it.

The girl seems vulnerable and possibly has mental challenges. Perhaps she thought he might fall for her after sex. It sounds like she was not really in the right place mentally for a no strings relationship. It might be good for her parents to know because she likely needs help and support.

Coercive control!

I am not quite clear as to why he might defer a year just to be around on the day she aborted this non-pregnancy. One day - and a whole year deferred?

Casual sex is not something I would aspire to for my son,especially with a girl so young (and it sounds vulnerable).

I would be talking to him about respect for women.

There’s nothing wrong with two consenting adults having casual sex. He was entirely upfront with her, and she led him to believe she was on the same page. That’s on her.

He was clear with her it was FWB. Can't we women enter into a FWB, then?

I think you missed the important bit: LIED about the pregnancy. No condom needed to split.

Her son is not the person with the major attitude problem.

I see you have already. Now the police are involved? Jeez.

This will not go well.

What if someone else was pretending to be her with the fake accounts?

I'd also be checking your son's deleted items right now.

Having been a sexually active 18 year old once, I guarantee he is not telling you the whole story.

I would agree with this, and also wonder whether you as parents have given him the idea that it is OK to have sex with someone who is vulnerable through low self esteem.

He obviously doesn’t like her very much and has so little respect for her that he only valued her as convenient sex. The fact her self esteem was so low that this was OK, should have triggered his conscience to not use her like that.
What he did was very dishonorable, and her subsequent behaviour doesn’t let him off the hook for that.

Also, IF he has not been entirely honest, and she has photographs (explicit ones) of him too, the lying will not reflect well on him.

I think it says a lot about the way you've brought up your DS that he felt able to come to you with this embarrassing situation, OP. Well done.

You poor thing. How awful.

They weren’t in a relationship

No point reporting this pile of misogynist shark jet mping as Mumsnet don't see a problem.

Oh well, my account deleted 90 seconds frm now.

What happened to my son's friend was extortion and a practice that has led to teenagers ending their lives so yes, it definitely went to the police.

Your framing his behaviour as boys will be boys. His used a vulnerable girl for sex & you are saying that is ok. Now we know where his behaviour is learnt. Just because he is upfront about wanting sex doesn’t make him a good person. For this girl she might be emotionally damaged forever because of his treatment of her. I do not agree with what she did at all but she was probably distraught at his treatment of her. In some ways he has learnt that his actions have consequences something I think you as a parent are not teaching. Lots of young men would not think this is right behaviour because it isn’t, he caused this.

Safeguarding doesn’t apply here at all. The girl is 18, an adult, and safeguarding only covers children who are actually under the school’s care. Being a resit student doesn’t magically turn her back into a child. Even when they were 17, they were still consensual young adults under the law, and her lying about a pregnancy still doesn’t make it something a safeguarding lead can touch. Safeguarding leads don’t deal with adult relationships, adult arguments, or adult lies. It’s not their job and it’s not their jurisdiction.

The phone you’re dragging into the school isn’t even a pupil’s device. It belongs to your adult son, who has never been a student there. A safeguarding lead has zero authority over an adult’s phone, zero responsibility for what’s on it, and zero remit to get involved in adult conversations. The fact the messages mention an 18‑year‑old student doesn’t change anything — she’s still an adult, and safeguarding does not cover adult‑to‑adult interactions.

Marching an adult’s phone into a school your son has never attended and expecting safeguarding action is pointless because it’s completely outside the safeguarding framework.

Your husband being on the parent association and being a solicitor doesn’t make this a safeguarding issue — it makes his behaviour look reckless. He’s trying to misuse the raising a safeguarding concern process under Keeping Children Safe in Education (KCSIE), a process strictly limited to concerns about children.

He’s not “raising a concern”; he’s trying to hijack a child‑protection pathway to deal with an adult situation he doesn’t like.

Safeguarding leads are trained under KCSIE to shut down this kind of overstep immediately. And he’s not just overstepping — he’s putting his own position at risk. The parents’ association role relies on trust, professionalism, and respecting boundaries.

Misusing safeguarding procedures, dragging staff into adult drama, and trying to weaponise a child‑protection system for something outside its remit is exactly the kind of behaviour that gets people removed from those roles.

He’s stomping into a system he clearly doesn’t understand, waving around a job title that means nothing here, and trying to force professionals to act outside their remit.

And if her parents find out he’s been dragging their adult daughter into safeguarding processes she doesn’t fall under, they can absolutely complain — formally, directly, and loudly.

They can go straight to the headteacher or governors and report him for misusing KCSIE procedures and inserting himself into their daughter’s private adult life. That kind of complaint is exactly the sort of thing that destroys credibility and gets people removed from parent‑association positions, because it shows he can’t be trusted to act appropriately or within boundaries.

Safeguarding is for children.
This is adults.
The device isn’t a pupil’s.
The school can’t treat this as safeguarding because it isn’t — and if her parents find out he’s been trying to weaponise a KCSIE child‑protection process against an adult, he’ll be the one answering for it.