AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

If anything, the theories on early human ancestors point more towards polygamy than monogamy...

this does not condone the fact that some men might sleep with 600 women like they are notching up scores on a computer game,

it points more towards the fundamental conflict between evolutionary hardware and 'modern' socialisation software (including marriage) that has allowed societies to function through to present day

I have 4 boys too OP but never would I get involved with my eldest DS's sex life. He's 19, and the others are 16, 10 and 9. I think you need to step back a bit. He is an adult now.

OP you’re getting so much shit on here unnecessarily. I can’t fathom being 18yo girl and making something like this up. My friends would have ridiculed me, and never spoken to me again, for it. She is clearly deeply unwell and, I would say, actually a vulnerable young woman where it would be helpful for the school or responsible adults to be aware of this behaviour so they can keep an eye out for other stuff (ie. Is the going with people much older than her/with unsavoury characters, as there seems to be an attention/attachment issue here). But, her life really is out of your control and you can just be glad she’s not actually properly in it!

but wrt your son, I don’t see how he’s done anything wrong. He’s a typical teenage boy with above average communication skills - both with you and with the girl about being clear about what he wants. I think the most you can do there is help him make the best of a bad situation, and also possibly anticipate some therapy for him, as this kind of betrayal and disturbance in his life will likely have a lot of knock on effects in terms of trust and relationship building.

sending hugs your family’s way.

I wonder if the Naivety and odd way these boys and girls are interacting is partly to do with being in single sex school? I went to all girls' school until 16 and I don't think we really understood how boys are just people too. We hero worshipped and got very tongue tied. Of course no phones in those days.

She probably fell in love with him.
Very young girls often don't understand sex = only sex. They mistake sex for love. She thought if she slept with him, he will stay.
Come on people, it happens all the time and it happened to many of us.
Of course that does not excuse her lying about something like that, but it just shows how desperate she was.
Maybe we can teach our sons that sex does not always mean sex for a girl, even if they are informed about it before.

You go on about your son as if he's some kind of catch. He's not, he's just another daft lad. Yet another MC parent who thinks their child is "special" and is scarily overprotective....

Nonsense. Women should be treated as equals because we ARE men's equals. Unconditionally and without question.
Equality isn't something we have to earn by our enthusiasm for going hell for leather after any young woman who does a bad thing, each response more hyperbolic and dramatic than the last in our quest to prove ourselves worthy.
Equality is a fundamental right.

I was suggesting you are far too heavily involved in this and have wildly overreacted. Your son was dealing with this and imo at 18 you should have continued to let him. There was no need for you to read all of his messages and get so deeply personally involved . What was this achieving? There was no need for you to know every last detail.

2 teenagers have behaved rather ill advisedly. The girl is probably now mortified and your son has had a bit of a wake up call and is now getting on with his life . Please pause, take a breath and just let it drop!

Not the point but lying about a pregnancy is actually a crime especially with the intent based on their correspondence when she told him she was pregnant and when she finally told him the truth and why she lied. Even in the messages he was telling her how stressed he is, saying he’s struggling to sleep and not sure what he’s going to tell his parents and what she plans to do and that’s when she said she wants an abortion and he said he will go to the appointment with her

Look I am not saying he is innocent but there’s clearly a bias even with the explicit pictures people are saying he is to blame. If it was the other way round I think they’d be a completely different view. I didn’t come here to have a girl vs boy discussion. I think people have taken this the complete wrong way I’ve even said DH and I have failed as parents if such a thing can happen to our son. He is very much down and we are worried for him which is why I am frustrated at this yes yes he is to blame for being honest and saying he doesn’t want a relationship etc but there’s a lot more nuance to this. We aren’t happy with any of this and he knows that. He has just turned 18 there’s time to change and navigate relationships better.

Please don’t use psychological terms you don’t understand

This is totally outrageous behaviour on you and your husband's part I pity both this girl and your son. You are coming across as parents from hell.

You needed to do literally none of this! Your escalation of events is frankly horrific.

Yeah OK. But we absolutely can't rightly expect to be treated equally and then claim a woman who has acted terribly is actually a victim.

It's not a crime to find someone unattractive but it's mean to have sex with that person then tell them he's expecting to find more attractive girls elsewhere.

We have left it now for the safeguarding lead who has said to keep the phone and will be in touch as they are quite concerned. As there’s multiple issues within this it’s not just the fake pregnancy, there’s explicit messages that he did not consent to, blocked her then another account where she continued to send pictures, people saying block, well he did that not sure what else he could have done. Yes he shouldn’t have had sex etx I wish he’d just spoken to us sooner as we’ve discovered by looking at his phone there’s a lot that’s been going on they say they are going to let the police know.

And tell your son he may not need an emotional attachment to have sex with someone, but as he has found out other people do. I guess she thought once they had sex he would realise how much he liked her. He was basically using her for easy sex not a very admirable quality.

How will your DS manage this one day in the future on his own?

Please step back from this and leave him to work things out for himself.

All this over involvement is not healthy. Adult children need to be left to cope with problem solving and they'll be quick to let you know when they want you to step in.

So we need to teach boys that girls don't always mean what they say when it comes to sex...

Can you really see no problem with this?

What crime is lying about pregnancy OP? If others are to be believe on here the girl is “psychotic” so wouldn’t have any liability for anything. It wasn’t for financial gain…so which crime does your legally qualified OP advise this is?

I think you’ve jumped the shark with that comment OP

Last I checked sending unwarranted explicit pictures is a crime but I don’t know. I do not work in children’s safeguarding a 17 year old is a child and the school can decide what to do, they seem to think it is a cause of concern.

I’d be furious and be telling her parents. I’d also try and get into Durham this year … worth a try.

Can't you go to the police, or at least seek legal advice? A lawyer could advise about sending photos like that-I know people understandably get mad and question the legality of a boy sending pictures to a girl, or if through falsehoods she's caused serious mental harm/affect his future regarding uni. If anyone messed up the life of my son OR daughter, I wouldn't want them getting away with it.
It's not illegal (age etc dependent) to have sex, and lots of people do it at that age. I knew boys upset that girls only wanted a casual thing, so to act like it was wrong of him to sleep with someone unless they were serious seems very dated, and sexist. Yes, people lie about feelings, and accidentally hurt others, and that can be the case at any age.

..and DH has decided that people who know them should know all about it…poor DS if his version is true

As it involved deliberate deception but I am not in the legal field I can only infer from the messages we will see what the safeguarding lead suggests they’re yet to get his phone.

Sounds like he’ll fit in well at Durham with his awful misogynistic attitude

As I’ve said in other posts, when you’ve dealt with as many incidents/disputes between students as I have, you tend to be very aware if the cases where one party is very upset by the behaviour of the other party, no matter what might have been the ‘agreement’ at the outset.

This is an extreme case, admittedly, but he was being very naive to think he can shag his way around the sixth form and it will all be great because they agreed it was only casual.