AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Of course its his fault. In the world of mumsnet women are always, but always, the innocent party 😩

Yes we are involved after seeing multiple messages begging for sex, saying please can I convince you, sending explicit pictures afgef he said said no multiple times. I am disappointed he didn’t come and speak to us about this. If it was reversed gender she would 100% be a victim. We can let the school and police decide that DH has only been in contact with safeguarding on Monday. Our son was 17 when this was happening he has only just turned 18. We didn’t know he had the explicit pictures and messages till we confiscated his phone to see his search history, messages, instagram etch that’s when we asked him and he’s aware it is a crime to send unsolicited pictures.

Within the messages he specifically told her multiple times he doesn’t want any pictures and to stop sending those and doesn’t want to speak to her again he did not ask her for pictures has told her multiple times to not send picture he has not sent her any explicit pictures. When you send explicit pictures you are consenting to them viewed by others. They have had multiple talks about this at school we’ve confirmed this the safeguarding lead about explicit pictures and they agree it is a cause of concern. We have not saved them onto our on personal phones that why we have confiscated his phone and iPad. It’s not a legal issue for us to have seen those pictures because of the nature of what has happened others will see them too as they will need to see to confirm what we are saying has happened. This isn’t something we are taking lightly and since confiscating his phone she has continued to message apologising etc.

She's not a psycho, she's a very young woman probably experiencing her first or one of her first sexual relationships...developing feelings for the man and feeling hurt and rejected.

They are both young and relatively inexperienced and learning about the opposite sex.

You think it’s moral to say you want someone better looking to a fellow human but I’ll sleep with you casually (knowing as it turns out they are vulnerable) and then share her private messages with your friends, to keep supposedly ‘unwanted’ sexual photos …..

None of those things are moral

I'd be fuming too OP and probably tell her pareyabout the stunt she pulled. She sounds like the type of person who might try to say she was raped when she wasn't. Your son will do well to steer clear of her.

I agree, there’s such a level of nuance that I don’t think the teenage girls themselves really understand until after they’ve had sex and find that they can’t detach the feelings from it.

Some can, some can’t, age 18 I don’t think it’s easy to know which side you fall.

Men and women aren’t the same. That doesn’t make either party less than.

It's just you. This has been happening since the dawn of time. Not something you can blame on Andrew Tate unfortunately.

If it was I have/had zero memory of it, I didn't do GCSE biology. But even if it had, I'm not sure I'd have thought about the significance of it for a second. (Which perhaps contradicts my suggestion. The people who need to know are the lads, and girl's fertility in 30 years time isn't going to stick in a lad's mind.)

No, it’s the most normal thing for an 18yo boy to want to do

I'm having trouble deciding whether some of these posters have gone temporarily insane, are unable to read and are also projecting their own stuff onto the thread, or simply trolling us by cos-playing as such... which is even more disturbing... for them

It is not a legal issue for us to have confiscated his phone and looked through all of it. It is a safeguarding issue as we have clearly discovered. We have spoke to the safeguarding lead that was on Monday it’s now Wednesday a solution hasn’t been worked out as of yet. They have told us that this is a serious issue. They will all look at the phone, messages etc and will see the explicit photos. The person that sent the explicit photo is the one that is responsible. When you send such photos you should be aware that others might see it.

Yes. He's been lucky.
Absolutely proper condom use from now on.
Women unfortunately do get pregnant to keep a man.
I've known it happen.

While what the girl did was very shitty, your son now has the opportunity to make the best of a gap year. Get some experience to add to his UCAS form, maybe some volunteering too. He could be in a very strong position come sept 2027. He’ll likely get an unconditional offer.

Sometimes life doesn’t end up how we think but it doesn’t mean it turned out worse. It could be a blessing in disguise to have a year out.

I would also be very proud that you raised a boy who tried to step up. He has done really well there.

Not at all we have talked to him about it and he is in trouble too not just her. I am disappointed at the things my son has said I am not happy but I don’t believe it’s a crime to not find someone attractive I do however think he could have gone about it differently. We are speaking to the lead who has advised that this is concern and will be reported too. They will see the explicit photos too.

But according to @PithySloth, her son did both, @Pedallleur - he has condoms and he said he used them. I’m not sure what more he could have done to prevent a pregnancy - and there was, in fact, no pregnancy, so no failure of contraception on either his part or the girl’s.

Lying about pregnancy to coerce him into staying in contact with her is awful behaviour.

It's an awful situation and I feel for your son.

But I don't think that you need to have daughters to understand that 'I only like your body, all I want from you is sex' is a risky thing to be saying, let alone to act upon, if you care for the other person's wellbeing.

Teenagers are known to be desperate for recognition. She was never likely to be fine with 'just the sex'. I don't have teenage boys (yet) but I hope I'll manage to put that across to them.

That said, hats off to your son for stepping up.

She continually sent explicit messages to a boy who has said he's not really interested and then faked a pregnancy.

If women want to be treated as equals we need to be ready to call out psychotic behaviour by women, which this clearly is.

Sounds like he was happy to be receiving multiple explicit images from her, but only went crying to mummy and daddy for help when he thought he’d knocked her up.

He should have blocked her the first time he received an unwanted photo or request for sex.

But he didn’t? Did he?

It’s as if he enjoyed the attention and drama.

I was an 18 year old girl once, in 2012. So social media and smart phones were on the rise. The very first instance I received unsolicited dick pics and messages from lads I immediately blocked. it’s that simple.

I am mortified that you and your husband are taking your 18 year olds drama to sixth form and potentially the police. Absolutely mortified.

And confiscating an 18 year olds phone 🤣🤣. No wonder he didn’t have the brains or balls to block this girl. If he needs mummy and daddy to step in like this.

I think they’re trolling because I am confused too. They seem to think I am saying he is an angel or is completely innocent in all of this he is not but that’s for the safeguarding team to discuss what can be done to alleviate this issue and it will need to be talked about with the parents association too.

He was 17 and no he didn’t block her then he finally did a she created an account on another social media platform to further send him more pictures and ask to meet up.

He isn’t innocent at all and this is not drama there’s a safeguarding issue here.

Many of us will have been rejected as teenage girls at some time and felt sad and hurt. It's hardly a unique experience.

Making up a pregnancy to keep your claws in at any cost isn't a normal response. I'm comfortable with 'psycho' being the closest one word descriptor.

Either way, psycho or poor confused young thing, any parent of a boy with an ounce of sense would be telling him to steer WELL clear of this one for obvious reasons.

I mean if you’re gonna pump and dump use protection. Also do not defer till you’ve seen proof. That was a bit silly. I feel for him but it’s not the end of the world.

If I was you though I’d be raging so YNBU for that.

Lying about pregnancy is against the law if the lie involves fraud, forgery, or malicious intent which it clearly did. Do you have evidence op on his phone that he lied?

Why the hell would he defer uni? That's totally on him

After dealing with students for over thirty years and unfortunately having had to deal with some difficult situations between students I think anyone who assumes that the other party will always be ok with casual sex and will not want to build a relationship and it is fine to just drop them is being very naive.