AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

The degree of over involvement is wild!

I’m not. Anybody stupid enough to send illegal explicit images to somebody who has asked you to stop should be under no illusions that they won’t be widely viewed. Most teenage girls with any sense or moral scruples wouldn’t do that. I’d be showing my solicitor, op doesn’t have to as her husband can give advice for free.

OP I really don’t know why this has turned into such a pile on.

Teenagers are horny (boys and girls), it rather goes with the territory. I’m more surprised that apparently no apparently doesn’t mean no. Imagine if this was the other way round and your son had been pressuring a load of girls for sex after they said no 🤯

I did very well in school, and frankly went to school where everyone did very well academically. Intelligence didn’t get us out of having to learn how to navigate teenage horniness. Sometimes our fingers got burnt.

I learnt that I couldn’t have casual sex without becoming very emotionally invested. No matter how much I wanted the sex 🤣

My DH had a much easier time because he’d been brought up with the belief that sex was for marriage. So his teenage shenanigans didn’t go as far. He didn’t wait until marriage but he was probably 20 and a good few years into a relationship before he slept with someone.

Tbh unless you’re teaching your other teens that sex is only for very committed long term relationships which isn’t a conversation that many parents explicitly have I don’t really see how you can avoid the experimentation. If the experimentation didn’t happen now it would have happened at uni.

The lie means the whole thing escalated and now you’ve had a glimpse into all of this.

And 17/18 year old girls will be girls but it doesn’t give you the right to break the law

What that women have a fertility window and men don t? Pretty sure that is taught

Faking pregnancy is the oldest trick in the book to get attention. Tell your son to keep it zipped, and if he cant, use a condom🤨

You and your son just need to move on from this. He needs to get on with his life and think a bit more before he has sex in future as this always had a high chance of ending badly

Having them and saying you used one are 2 x different things.

I feel you're flailing around here. A fwb, a women who just enjoys sex and all the other reaching around stuff you're doing, isn't what's happening here and you know it.

I wouldn’t feel much shame if I was the op just anger towards the girl. However if I was the girl's mother I’d feel hugely ashamed and deeply worried. I have girls and boys and I was a teenage girl myself.

As per the red pill (manosphere) stereotypes, 80% of the women chasing 10% of the men.

Finding this a bit nuts. People are allowed to have casual sex as long as it's consenting.
The boy made it clear he was only interested in casual. Girl responded she was the same. He asked if she was on contraception. She says yes. He uses a condom anyway.
He defers his university place when finding out she's pregnant. She presumably knows about this and doesn't tell him it's a lie.
But somehow he's immoral and irresponsible? Madness.

Check out the podcast Love Trapped OP.

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here.

Decades ago a close male friend went through a similar experience at a similar age. Luckily he also had very supportive parents.

Much worse now with social media. You sound like great parents and your son will have learned from the experience.

Of course people shouldn't break the law but we need to raise our sons better too

Girls do it too. It’s natural.
obviously, I’m not saying that all boys, or all girls do it but in this case, the boy was clear about what his interests were or weren’t. That’s a mile away from being anything like Andrew Tate.

Casual sex they're not paying for with a woman repeatedly will inevitably lead to some sort of emotional attachment. Men really need to understand this and be mindful of it.

Then they need to be told that load and clear. My entire childhood I was told men and women were equal.

Same for this generation. I told my 8yo son that women weren't conscripted into the Army in WW2 and he told me I was being sexist, women are just as good as men so that couldn't have happened! If, in the future, I told him women typically desire committed partnerships over causal sex he'd think I was some kind of Nazi! I remember my dad saying similar things and I thought he was a sexist dinosaur.

If we think men and women are different we need to explicity state what the differences are, because we have at least 40 years worth of boys who think women are basically gay men.

Needs to be taught in schools.

I think I am getting it.

No casual sex for women, even if we say we want it because we are too hormonal and emotional for fwb/ons and need men to say no (make correct decision) on our behalf otherwise, if he trusts our word, he is Andrew Tate

I agree that women tend to form attachments to a man who is not into them by having regular sex with him while no matter how many times the guy does he won't.

It is therefore unwise for a man to have fwb over a longish period. One night stands would be wiser.

Your sex robot comment is ridiculous, though, these women are choosing this.

I assume you do not believe in sex before marriage, if not you're being a hypocrite.

This is a pregnancy scare.
Next time it could be real.

Nobody really wins when a woman tells a man she is on the pill and it 'fails' (it has an incredibly low failure rate when used correctly) and he stays with her out of duty.

She wins in the short-term but not over time because there's always the nagging doubt of if not for the child, he would not be here...

So this girl needs to wise the fuck up if she plans to do it for real next time with some other poor bloke.

Shell 'win' but not for long.

Dumb as f*.

Disagree, not all young people enjoy doing this and it is not a "given" as you have suggested. This is precisely why this young guy has got himself into such trouble, because of attitudes such as yours.

Many girls enjoy casual sex at 17/18 too. There is nothing wrong with it.

As for "Faking pregnancy is the oldest trick in the book to get attention."

Erm.....No. It's not

OP clearly states her son claims he used condoms and he asked the girl via text if she was on birth control, which she confirmed she was. So that does not align with your response, unless of course you never bothered to read the posts and instead wanted to jump in with "stern words of totally non-judgemental advice".😁

Keep it zipped?
Sex is bad, Mkay???

Mmmm see as above!

🤣🤣🤣🤣Many many girls enjoy casual sex at uni and before and that’s perfectly ok if it’s between two consenting adults.

This thread is wild.

Your son had a lucky escape op. We all know it.

Encourage him to block her everywhere and then move on. She can then direct her psycho entrapment vibes elsewhere. A very good lesson for your son to learn early on.

If an adult becomes aware of images that were originally shared between two people when they were under 18, that doesn’t put them in legal trouble just for seeing them.

Viewing something on someone else’s device doesn’t count as possession, and there’s no offence unless someone has saved, downloaded, or distributed the material. Him being a solicitor is not relevant to the law.

The law focuses on the person who created or sent the images, not someone who later becomes aware of them.