AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I don’t think that there should be shame attached to pleasurable, enjoyable, consensual sex between adults and agree women can enjoy sex as much as men. But our culture doesn’t really make it easy for women to understand our own pleasure, sexual needs, boundaries etc. that’s something we learn through experience. For every woman who loves casual sex there is a woman who feels that she has to give out - or thinks she can handle it and then can’t. I personally find it very hard to emotionally separate the intimacy and intensity of sex from the intimacy and intensity of emotional closeness. This means I am not someone who can handle casual sex, not because I don’t enjoy it, but because I inevitably feel used and rejected afterwards (even when I agreed!). This doesn’t mean the people who I had sex with as a young woman were doing anything bad, but I also always think that the idea loads of people don’t feel strong emotions around sex is obviously bollocks. The majority of people are pretty vanilla about sex and that’s partly because of the strength of feeling involved. The thing for OP to do is not get behind her son by demonising this girl, but to get him to reflect on how his own behaviour has contributed here. It isn’t a kind thing to tell someone you want them for sex and nothing more.

Must be something in the water because someone in my town just did the same but her roommate snitched. Mid 20s even!!

Or an 18 year old girl!

Well your son certainly gave her mixed messages didn’t he? By then going on to have sex with her. Also you haven’t addressed the many comments about your husband‘s behaviour which is completely unacceptable. Using his connections at the School to fulfil a personal vendetta he has, not out of some kind of faux concern for her vulnerability, but about your justified anger about the situation your son has found himself in, it’s really unacceptable. In fact doing so is misuse of his position and he should not be holding that position if that’s his approach to solving personal situations at home.

If your husband has spoken to the safeguarding lead, then what they’re reacting to isn’t the fake pregnancy claim. It’s the unwanted messages and images. That’s harassment, and that’s something your family needs to deal with directly. It still doesn’t turn their past consensual encounter into a school matter.

The school can only act on behaviour that affects a current student while they’re on site.

They can’t investigate the relationship, they can’t retroactively safeguard your son, and they can’t get involved in anything that happened when they were both 17 and already above the legal age of consent.

The safeguarding lead can say her behaviour is concerning, but that doesn’t give the school authority over their private lives or make this their responsibility.

Again using the word “safeguarding” doesn’t magically give you/school power it doesn’t have. Safeguarding has clear boundaries, and this situation sits completely outside them.

If she’s sending sexual images he didn’t consent to, that’s something your son can deal with himself — blocking, reporting, or taking it further if needed. That’s a family matter, not something the school can fix.

I work in safeguarding professionally, and the way both your husband and the safeguarding lead are framing this doesn’t match how safeguarding actually works. Neither seems to be applying the basic principles. And yes, she may well be lying — but again, there is nothing the school can do about that. Lying doesn’t suddenly create safeguarding authority where none exists.

This is still a family matter, not a school matter

Totally agree.

It's within the range of normal reactions for someone to 'catch feelings' for someone they plan only to have sex with....the deception in the face of awful heartbreak pain and rejection is understandable though not ok. She is after all a schoolgirl so not mature.

Pregnancy is always a possible consequence of having sex.

It doesn't sound credible that DS would defer university for an abortion appointment (an afternoon means waiting a year to start???)..so again sounds like mixed messages to the girl involved who is still at school. Why would he offer that support without a relationship?

The idea that anyone would act on her saying she was pregnant in education is awful too...perhaps where DS' attitude to women, sex and relationships originates?

Also, your son being sporty and academic, doesn’t give any indication as to his morals as a human being or the example you’ve set. In fact your husband’s behaviour very much suggest that he has not had a positive male role models in his life.

He wanted sex with someone he didn't know, that's the risk you take if you don't invest time getting to know someone. She could of had mental health problems.
For every one hundred people you sleep with you're going to get a percent of regrettable shags, complications etc.
If you that exchanging an agreement beforehand excuses these problems then you're not factoring in that she's a person not a robot. He's should perhaps not shag women at uni and keep a bit of distance.
I don't understand why he delayed a year to go with her for an abortion. If she wasn't going to have the "baby" it didn't need to get that complicated surely.
It's not okay she lied but she's young and feeling her emotions, who knows if she's had relationships before. I was emotionally all over the place at that age. Things can seem very intense and real. I hope he learns from this and she does too.

No. It's not really as simple as that. She probably was hoping that through the medium of casual sex he would also fall for her. Men should really be careful with women's feelings in situations like these. Of course women can enjoy casual sex, but vast majority if they are sleeping with a man on a regular basis will inevitably develop feelings for him. Men then like to act as if the woman is wholly unreasonable for the very human act of forming an emotional attachment

Typical of mn to blame the boy !!
this is 💯 the girls fault. She’s acted despicablly, there is zero excuse for her behaviour and the impact to this lad is appalling! He didn’t anything wrong.

poor lad.

Honestly a gap year will probably be the making of him! Get him a back pack and send him off to explore the world!

As crap as the situation is, at least your son will be very proactive about using condoms going forwards!!

Bullshit!!! It is completely on anybody dumb enough to do that. If you develop feelings for somebody it is on you and not an excuse to commit serious sexual harassment and manipulation.

There’s an issue at the school
Sounds like it and without identifying the girl in question maybe the pastoral team need to do some work with all the students on this. Separate sessions for the boys and girls, of course, to discuss the minefield of teenage sex and relationships, what's appropriate or legal in terms of text/pics and not lying about pregnancies. Despite being adults technically there's a lack of maturity and thought about consequences here. Sometimes young people are subject to peer pressure or a culture develops at the school which is corrosive and easily influenced youngsters will follow. The horse has bolted but lessons can be learned and future behaviour might improve. Neither the girl nor your son behaved well.

OP if you are still here - look neither of these young people have covered themselves in glory, but nothing is irreparably damaged and no one died.

Teenagers do some spectacularly stupid things and your son's attitude to women definitely needs addressing, but sending him to an all boys school probably didn't help with that. He can take the gap year and maybe mature a little. This is far from a disaster.

I think you and your DH are massively over involved and over invested in all of this tbh. Just step back and let your son grow up a bit. Nothing else needs to be done, just drop it. 2 kids made stupid decisions, end of. I think taking his devices and reading all of his messages is a gross invasion of his privacy, at 18 I'd have been horrified if my parents delved into the minutiae of my life like this - wouldn't you? He will be away to uni next year and you will have no control over his life at all then, I'd suggest you start preparing for this now.

As for involving the girls school wtaf? this is batshit behaviour. For the love of God just let it go now. It's done.

OP, you've had a mauling and I don't think it's justified.

Your son handled it very well for a 17-year old. He was clear about his expectations and boundaries, she said she didn't want a relationship either, he used a condom, checked that she also used contraception, and he was supportive when it looked like she was pregnant. He asked her not to continue sending explicit photos.

But he's also a 17-year old boy, and yes there were missteps, including telling his friends.

But by and large, you raised a good 'un. It's not the 100% respect you'd hope for, but he hit enough right notes for there to be no red flags from my perspective at least.

Her behaviour is disturbing. Lying about being pregnant to get someone to talk to you is dangerous, pathetic and immature. Sending explicit photos is putting in her a really vulnerable position. I don't know that I would talk to school about it - I'd want to talk to her parents, but from a position of compassion and care. Yes, she could have fucked your son's life up - but she's at risk of fucking her own up too. What's done is done - I'd be worried about her behaviour going forwards, and I don't think telling on her at school is the answer.

That said, her parents will go fucking ballistic - at you, your son, at her - so maybe it can only be managed through an intermediary who can take an objective look at the messages etc. They will only ever see that someone took advantage of their daughter - because she is clearly vulnerable and DID, even if he didn't mean to and there isn't much he could have done to avoid it. She isn't in a position to give informed consent yet, clearly. It's sad.

My instinct would be to stay well out of it, other than if she was my daughter, I'd want to know that she's sending nudes out and having sex she isn't ready for yet. It's tricky.

She clearly wanted more and he shouldn't have slept with her in the first place. You need to tell him to grow up. And stop having 'casual' sex with people who definitely don't want that.

Had this happened 1 week into University with a fellow student you wouldn't be able to do anything. The University would say they were consenting adults.

@PithySloth said her son said he did use condoms, and showed her that he had them, @Pedallleur.

Men don't get everything their own way...

Casual sex they're not paying for with a woman repeatedly will inevitably lead to some sort of emotional attachment. Men really need to understand this and be mindful of it. Women aren't sex robots simply there to service men and fulfil all of their needs while their feelings are disregarded and belittled.

Absolutely vile. I hope he understands how ashamed you both are of him. Also, if his brothers are younger, you niw have the chance to educate them better.

It’s still concerning that you and your solicitor husband were viewing the explicit images.

Loads of girls and boys are having casual sex at 17 and 18. That’s what part of being young is and pretty prevalent during any uni freshers week and beyond. Starting to wonder what vacuum some MNs live in. I wasn’t exactly promiscuous but remember those heady days.

Of course they do. Doesn't make it right. Boys will be boys eh?

So what when girls so the same?

She said she didn't want a relationship. It sounds like he was very clear (bluntly) around his expectations, and she agreed.

The issue is that she wasn't/isn't in a position to give informed consent, and I don't know what the OP's son could have done differently other than abstinence. The idea that people should stop having casual sex isn't, in my opinion, healthy or a good idea. Humans have sex drives, mutually agreed casual sex is healthy and avoids people getting stuck in relationships with, or even married to, people they shouldn't be with.

It's ok to have casual sex.

It needs to be casual for both parties.

She lied. Or believed she didn't want a relationship, but then wanted more - which is fine and understandable, but her behaviour thereafter is not cool.

Neither kid was perfect in this scenario, but the OP's son hit lots of right notes relative to his age. Unless we raise the age of consent - something I wouldn't disagree with, though it would be pointless - there's not much he could have done differently.