AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

She isn’t, clearly, mature enough to consent to casual sex since she didn’t understand the extent to which rejection following - even if agreed upon - would impact her mental and emotional health. I’m not saying the boy was old enough to understand either / but this needs to be a lesson that just because someone ‘consents’ it doesn’t mean they actually want or are able to handle what is being proposed. Our culture of misogyny is confusing for young people of both sexes. Many women think they want and can handle sex with no strings, and are told it is empowering,but find it difficult to deal with emotionally. It can also be degrading in the moment if the person you are with is not thinking about you as a person to be treated with love and care. A bit of compassion for both the young people involved and treating this as a learning experience rather than an opportunity to eviscerate a teenager would be proportionate.

So sorry @PithySloth you feel you have to leave this thread. Yet another parent who comes for support and instead gets a pile on from some. Some of cannot or will not read OPs post correctly. Happening way too often.
Good luck.

You and your husband are way too emotionally invested in this. It’s actually quite creepy.

She’s not pregnant. Your son can now block her and move forward. Nothing else needs to happen other than your son using contraception and avoiding casual sex.

Sounds like everyone involved needs to grow the fuck up.

Completely agree. Consenting adults can do as they please

I think as a mother of a boy it is important to educate sons in the dangers of using females for sex. Why is your son viewing females just objects to be used and discarded? Why did you not teach your sons to respect woman more?

You've given too much identifying information on your son, ie course, uni, age.

What she did was terrible but it could have been worse and she actually could have been pregnant. If I had a son I’d advise him to ALWAYS wear a condom unless he is willing to allow the chance of a pregnancy. My uncle had 3 kids by 3 seperate women who were all “on the pill” or “infertile”. Honestly unless he’s ready to be a dad tell him condom. It’s not that uncommon to be trapped in this way I’ve seen it sooooo many times. Yes for all the haters I know there’s a 3% chance of a condom failing but at least you KNOW you’ve done your best unlike if you just trust someone else with that huge life decision.

I am just confused that If a guy explicitly says he wants to find a “better” girl and “better looking” girl at uni to be in a relationship with. Why would you sleep with him ? I admit that is a disgusting thing to say but surely that should have been a sign for her to stop contacting him. He showed who he was from the start

Yes, he did, and how proud you must be to have raised him.

I take it that your DH is going to include all of your sons messages in full when he goes to the school about this, so along with her shenanigans they can see what an absolute prince he is.

This here. A close friend in the 6th form got pregnant after sex with her boyfriend and they'd used a condom. She had the baby, it was given for adoption (this was 1976 and few girls her age and situation kept their babies) and it pretty much changed her life for the worse.

Men need to understand that "I only want sex (and will use a condom)" can still have an unwanted consequence.

Same thing happened to my son when he was 21 (he’s 23 now). Although he didn’t just want sex, he liked her. It was her hot and cold with him.

when she told him she was pregnant he was happy. He wanted to have a proper relationship with her and bring up the baby together.

She strung him along for 3 months until her mum found messages on her phone and came to see ds to tell him the truth that there was no baby.

It’s not not dramatic to say it ruined his life and he’s not taken a good path since.

It’s just a fucking horrendous lie to tell.

What she did was terrible but it could have been worse and she actually could have been pregnant. If I had a son I’d advise him to ALWAYS wear a condom unless he is willing to allow the chance of a pregnancy. My uncle had 3 kids by 3 seperate women who were all “on the pill” or “infertile”. Honestly unless he’s ready to be a dad tell him condom. It’s not that uncommon to be trapped in this way I’ve seen it sooooo many times.

100% agree.

There's an epidemic of this. It's up to mothers to spell it out clearly. Not something Fathers can address with Sons without looking like misogynists.

Twas always thus.

At least this boy was honest from the start. When I was young loads of men only wanted sex but didn't bother saying so. I spent a lot of my 20's confused by this. No internet then!

Sex just for sex is a common enough occurrence, but knowing the person wants a relationship, less so. And it sounds like he's been texting with this woman (girl) for months

Women have autonomy and can make decisions too. Sounds like he was up front with her and she made a decision that’s what she wanted to do. Lots of women enjoy sex. It’s not just for men.

This is a good lesson for your son. Very few women are able to sleep with a man numerous times without getting feelings for him.

There's a fair amount of judgement in the thread about people having ONS/FWB

The back of the cereal box version is

Men, in general, are more biologically wired for the physical, while women, again in general, are more biologically wired for the emotional connection - because that's how evolution has programmed them. Women tend more towards connection because nature has decided via selection that these traits provide the strongest outcomes for passing genes on - birthing, critical early years maternal bonds and peer-support among her group if the man got killed by a rival tribe, sabre tooth, or wandered off with another partner

To view all men, who at various times in life, may seek ONS or FWB into the same pot as the vile thing that is Andrew Tate is both statistically incorrect and harmful toxic shaming..

Also, if women are choosing to have consensual sex outside of a committed relationship (like many did in the swinging 60's and probably much before in the war years or roaring 20s), then by applying the "Andrew Tate" logic you're now painting them as groomed victims of abuse.. which is clearly a ridiculous position that can't be upheld with reasonable argument

In this situation she is completely to blame. She continued to pursue a sexual hook up knowing he wasn’t up for anything more than that. He was up front and put no pressure on her to sleep with him. She thought she could change his mind, which was stupid and manipulative of her, life is not a romance novel where everyone falls in love and lives happily ever after.

She told him she was pregnant to try and trap him! No doubt she thought if she could just get him to spend more time with her, he’d realise that they are meant to be.

If a guy pestered a woman and lied to guilt her into being with him, it would not be her fault and if she posted on here for help, people would be advising her to reach out to friends/family for support, which he did when he messaged his friends to tell them about her being pregnant and where he found out that this wasn’t the first time she’d pulled the pregnancy stunt.

To be honest she needs reporting to the police for coercive control because someone needs to have a serious conversation with her!

That is their problem and zero excuse for serious harassment and manipulation.

If she was harassing him as you are now suggesting, why did he keep engaging with her? And he was then happy to sleep with her (despite you now suggesting she was the issue and wouldn't leave him alone!).

Sorry but again this makes him sound like he was happy to encourage it (and maybe liked the attention). Perhaps this was something else he and his friends laughed at.

Both sexes have similar confusion. I was sleeping with girls and could never understand how keen they got. I remember once trying to get a girl to go away by pretending to be keen to settle down ASAP in the hope it would scare her off!

I was over 30 when a GF told me that women typically desire children and marriage and that there's a biological clock. Nobody tells you. I honestly had no idea. I thought that women were just like me, with similar aspirations to mine.

Needs to be taught in school.

You should definitely ring Durham to see if you can get his place reinstated. They are still in Clearing. One of my son’s friends switched from Engineering to Economics at a very late stage - if your son already had a place, he should be in a good position. Do it now! What the girl did was stupid but young people do stupid things, your son was a bit stupid to cancel his uni plans without any evidence of her pregnancy but I do think it’s reversible. And send him off to uni with condoms!

I don't think you were wrong in posting on here. I'm sorry that it's turned into such a pile on for you, as I think it's informative for parents of teenaged boys and girls to understand what they may be doing to one another. This thread could have been a discussion about what parents can/should be doing about that. I wish your family and your son well.

YANBU to be angry and frustrated by this girls behaviour towards your son and the resulting change in his plans. However, please don't contact the schools association and raise this in a public forum. You say the association is used by parents to share their experience of the school - this is not sharing experiences of the school, it is regarding the behaviour of one particular pupil.

If, as you say, you really want to support her with her mental health and behaviour, put in a confidential referral to her school safeguarding lead. Anything else reeks of being out for revenge and will reflect badly on everyone and, more importantly, won't encourage the girl to get help.

Are you or have you ever been an 18 year old boy? I just don’t think it’s that wild that an 18 year old boy would have sex with someone he didn’t want a relationship with