AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I agree. Its a bit sad but men are programmed differently to most women as they are never left holding the baby! Up until 60 years ago if you had sex as a man you had better be ready to be a father. Unintended consequences of the sexual revolution.

The bit about taking and going through his devices concerns me.

For indecent images the law treats anyone under 18 as a child, not under 16, and consent doesn't come into it. So if any of those girls are or were 17, your son is potentially exposed by having them, and you and your husband are exposed by going through them. 🫣

"Making" an indecent image includes opening and downloading. You've said on a public forum that you've kept both devices and looked through everything including "explicit" pictures of "girls" and "children". 😨

That's not great.

If your husband does raise this at the association, a safeguarding lead may well decide to look at both young people, including yours. They may also have questions about two adults poring over explicit photos of schoolgirls.

Quite apart from the law, now.

Your husband is a grown man with a seat at the table. And you are his wife. If you let him use that position to regale a room of parents and teachers with the sexual exploits of a schoolgirl, it will say more about him, and about you as a family, than it will about her.

She did a dumb and distressing thing. She was probably very distressed herself when she did it. But she's 18. She owned up to it herself. It happened nowhere near a school. Your boy wasn't a saint either.

You said in your first post that you didn't want to cause issues for her. Don't let your husband do it, then. Don't let him bulldoze both you and this young girl.

Let it blow over so everyone can move on.

Your son has learned the important lesson that women aren’t there to act as cum buckets for his pleasure…and that sex has consequences, which include emotional ones. This girl perhaps did not realise the extent to which she was unable to handle the intimacy of sex as a casual exchange, your son did not realise the extent to which hormonal attachment following sex can really mess with women’s heads, especially young inexperienced women. The sense of rejection in that exchange may have felt overwhelming. It sounds, from her agreeing to sex in these circumstances the first place, like she is an insecure and vulnerable person. Your son had a responsibility to not use someone like that for his own pleasure and discard her, regardless of whether she ‘consented’. I’d argue consent is not the moral bar in this situation. None of this takes away from the fact she did a wrong thing by lying about pregnancy to manipulate your son. That is incredibly immature behaviour, and very wrong. Nonetheless it is a direct result of your son’s disregard for her feelings over his own pleasure and both of their immaturity in thinking they were able to navigate a casual sex arrangement when they were not emotionally mature or secure enough to do so.

MN is full of mothers of gorgeous 6’2” rugby players who got all 9s on their GCSEs…

I don't have children in single sex private schools, so I'm not sure what's in place to prevent this kind of shit storm occurring, but if there's nothing, I'm not surprised it has.

Plenty of girls have sex just for sex without wanting a relationship.

I would report the bombardment of explicit pictures and the lies re pregnancy to the police. This is harassment at the very least and they will take it seriously.

And your husband is gross for inserting himself into this as some kind of moral arbiter when, at best, his son’s actions in this amount to using a vulnerable girl for his sexual gratification. She is not the villain here. She is a damaged teenager who can’t handle casual sex. Our culture is very harmful to young women.

Blimey, an 18 year old boy driven by hormones, whatever next! Honestly I’d imagine most 18 year old would accept sex from another 18 year old girl they liked well enough and found sufficiently attractive. He was clear he didn’t want a relationship. If everything the OP says is correct, he’s done nothing wrong and certainly nothing particularly out of the ordinary. I certainly wouldn’t have been on some great moral high ground at 18 . I’m a woman but teeenage hormones (boy and girl ) are wild. I remember it well

OP - you say:
"even after my son has said no many times even begging them to just leave him alone."

So he couldn't just ignore and block?
You've also said he enjoys the attention.
he still thought it was a good idea to not only continue to engage with her but use her for sex!! Just a receptical for his dick.
He knew she wasn't the best candidate for casual sex.
You son is a dick - in fact, he clearly thinks with it.

As for your husband ("he's a solicitor don't you know") - reporting her to the school - unbelievable. If safeguarding is his main priority I hope he also mentioned to both schools that your son took advantage of a girl you clearly place in the "vulnerable" category.

maybe the boy's school should react to your husband's disclosure by keeping a close eye on your other 3 sons - just in case they're like their brother and use vulnerable girls for sex.

Plus, school 6th form are for full time students and retake pupils do not attend classes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but year 14 doesn't exist. So he's reporting an 18 yr old who is not enrolled, and will only attend to sit the one A level exam she failed?

The men in your family sound entitled. What a pity.

If she’s 18 and still at school, it still doesn’t make this a safeguarding issue. She’s an adult. He’s an adult. The school cannot safeguard an adult from consensual behaviour with another adult outside school grounds, and they cannot involve her parents without her permission. Once a student turns 18, the school treats them as an adult, not a child.

Safeguarding applies to current minors under the school’s care. She isn’t a minor. He isn’t a minor. The school has no authority to investigate their private relationship, no duty to intervene, and no right to drag parents into it.

And just because you use the word “safeguarding” doesn’t make it a gotcha moment. It doesn’t magically turn an adult relationship into something the school is responsible for.

If the consensual sexual encounter happened when they were both 17, they were still above the legal age of consent. That still doesn’t create a safeguarding obligation now, and it doesn’t give your husband any duty to report anything.

And frankly, if your husband is a solicitor who works with vulnerable people, he should already understand this. He should know exactly where safeguarding begins and ends, and he should know that this situation sits firmly in the category of a private family matter — not something a school can or should be dragged into.

This is a family matter, not a school matter. Resitting a year doesn’t turn an 18‑year‑old back into a child.

I admit I haven't read every message, but it feels like your son is being blamed unduly here.
I agree with your husband that the girl's school should be told.

Three reasons:
She needs help for her MH. Someone who does that is not in a good position.
She may do this again, or worse.

It can be integrated into 'lessons ' (anonymously obviously) so that it doesn't happen again for both sides.

Your son, like many of us if we are honest with ourselves, has acted like a teenager. Both genders want to have sex - it is natural. He used protection and checked she was too. I don't know what else he could have done - remained a virgin just incase?!

Is it? I have genuinely never noticed!!

I just think it’s odd that as this has gone on, more desperate girls have been emerging and making mule accounts to get her son to look at their naked bodies. And that ‘there is a problem at the school’ without any context on how they know this is a school-wide problem. I wonder if son has had his devices confiscated because he is encouraging these ladies to send him nudes or similar, because if not, why would he be punished for being the ultimate gentleman she is saying he is? Well, is in some posts, in others he is a disappointment. All very strange.

Agree, but that's a separate issue altogether. Whether its sad or not, he told her what he wanted, she clearly thought she could change his mind, and when that didn't happen, she went nuclear, which was a horrendous thing to do. If I was his mother I'd be raging too.

I love how this thread is basically just misogynistic stereotypes of women to defend her actions.... By women🙄

You’re not alone. I found that explanation of things just very crass.

@EatingSky This.... with bells on!

I agree with this. Immaturity from both. But unsurprising as they’re 18! Lying about pregnancy though. That goes way too far

Yes the faking pregnancy was a terrible thing for her to do.

However when reading about your husband, your son’s behaviour makes much more sense actually. He is just modelling his father’s own views about women.

Massive overreaction.

He specifically didn’t use her as a piece of meat and laid his cards on the table. She opted in.

learn to step back from vulnerable women and girls rather than have sex with them as they are "easy"

FFS how is an 18 yo boy meant to spot the ‘vulnerable’ women? As a victim of a fake pregnancy scam is he also not ‘vulnerable?

And when he made it clear he was only interested in sex he was also the very definition of ‘easy’, no?

OP, I suspect she did this because she is immature and lacks self esteem as well as a good grounding at home/support system so made a very very bad choice.

It’s unfortunate for your DS but he sounds like a good one and with your support will be alright (and wiser than most from here on in!).

This has happened for centuries. They're just a bit more honest about it now.

I have never had sex with someone just for sex if i knew they wanted more

I think people have taken this post a bit too far and it’s become more of a pile on rather than a conversation and perspective. Neither of us are trying to get anyone in trouble neither of us are proud of our sons behaviour either no one is saying he’s an angel in all of this. All I am saying is;

1. A 17 yo (he was 17 at the time just turned 18 in the last wee) does not deserve to be lied to about pregnancy so he responds to messages
2. he asked her explicitly via text even dating back to last year whether she was on contraception….he told her multiple times he is not really interested wants to focus on Alevels
3. she proceeds to send explicit pictures and messages saying she wants to have sex he didn’t ask her for sex at least not on the messages we can see form last year. 4)receiving unsolicited pictures even after saying no, even after blocking,
4. it is not right to create another account after someone has blocked you so you can message them and even send pictures from the account. This has happened multiple times.
5. there is an issue a safeguarding issue here which is what my husband is concerned about. Neither of us are saying our son is an angel. We are talking to him and have been talking to him.
6. people saying she has ADHD I haven’t even said any of that because I don’t know if she does. I am unsure how you can know based on a post. I’ll admit I don’t know much about ADHD beyond the basics but I didn’t think you could just tell without even meeting someone and knowing them for a long period of time. These are just assumptions. I cannot say she does or doesn’t have adhd
7. safeguarding has agreed this is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed as it’s not just one incident it has been multiple other incidents based on the messages.
8. I do not believe that it is okay for young girls to beg young boys for sex. Once someone has said no that should be it. The girl even said verbatim via text “let me convince you please” and he said “no it’s not anything person I just don’t really like you or want to have sex with you” I am not saying he’s innocent or any angel but I do believe there is something quite sad going on if girls are willing to send boys such messages even after someone has said no.
9. finally I am not sure what was going on in my sons mind. He’s a very bright boy A stars across his alevels but clearly we have failed to give him the skills to navigate relationships. Hopefully we can help and support him better and hopefully we do much better with our younger sons who attend the same school which is why it’s a cause of concern just because our eldest left this year doesn’t mean we don’t have any association with the school. At the end of the day this is my son I’ll do my best to support him and get him the support he needs he’s been quite distraught recently for such a “heartless” boy. I think it must take a toll of anyone to be told that they’ve gotten someone pregnant then later oh sorry I just missed you and you didn’t want to respond to my messages. I think a line has been crossed there regardless and it’s an unpleasant thing to worry about. We’ve since looked at his search history it’s safe to say he was very stressed trying to find solutions looking at the rate at which contraception fails, abortion risks, condom failure etc. he clearly cares and is clearly distraught and down regardless of whether you believe he doesn’t have a right to feel upset he is.

The pile on is insane my bad it was a mistake on posting here.

Have a good day all.

No she is a manipulative, abusive harasser and needs to be dealt with accordingly. Many, many women choose to have sex just for sex and that’s ok. What is not ok is harassing somebody with unwanted sexually explicit pictures and inducing fear via their harassing lies that has big life consequences. If a boy bombarded a girl with sexually explicit photos and told lie to manipulate and invoke fear there would be uproar.

Report op. She needs to know how serious this kind of behaviour is now before she escalates to even worse.

He has been the victim of harassment and manipulation pure and simple.

There is zero ex use for her behaviour. None

Ah well plenty of other women have when young . Me being one .