AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I know you recognise your son has acted badly so I won't labour the point.

I suggest you watch Liar: The Fake Grooming Scandal on BBC iPlayer.

This programme is about Ellie Williams, a young woman from Cumbria who told lies that led to one innocent young man spending time in prison and lots of other men being falsely accused. She even went so far as to badly hurt herself with a hammer to convince the police of her account.

This young woman could also be dangerous if she doesn't learn she cannot make up a lie to get attention. I think informing the school could very well save her never mind another young man from false accusations.

Yes from both sides. I wouldn’t be banging my drum too loud about the incident. Neither comes off as a mature person old enough to have sex.

I have looked at OP's posts but haven't read many of the replies to it.
Of course lying about the pregnancy was totally wrong.
But I can't get over this 18 year old - legally an adult- sharing such details of his sex life with his mother. And I can't believe they have taken his phone off him.
Having read that the clinical way he allegedly told the young women he only wants to use her for sex is quite chilling.

No need to name names then. And the fact that she’s resitting (one of the reasons you have for telling the school) wouldn’t be relevant.

We have his phone and iPad. DH has been in contact with the safeguarding lead who has said this is a concern. It’s not just the fake pregnancy there’s multiple other messages, receiving picture he has not consented to and has explicitly said no multiple times. I understand the view that my son is unpleasant etc but I don’t think anyone deserves to be constantly bombarded with explicit picture after saying no even blocking some of them nor does he deserve for someone to lie about a pregnancy he was quite upset at the whole ordeal and yes yes he shouldn’t have been having sex but that ship has sailed. All we can do is support him and educate him so this doesn’t have next time

This is getting a bit odd - lots of girls pestering him? Sending explicit photos? Is he that gorgeous?

Because it mn and people here always jump to nd to explain behaviour

Dont tell the school thats an awful thing to do.
Also your son doesnt come across very well no matter how you explain it.
At most email her parents with a tone of concern for her ability to lie about something so big.
Did he really say to her he wanted to find better looking girls at university?

I don’t know seems to be a trend within the schools as we looked at the group chats of the guys at his school. There’s an issue at the school

Yes he really did say that and I am very disappointed in his behaviour

I'm sorry this has happened, and I'm also sorry that some people have decided to pile on a criticise you and/or your son. Ignore them.

Thing is, teenage girls do tell lies and can be manipulative. Your son took responsibility and was prepared to make huge life changes. He sounds quite mature for an 18 year old. She doesn't. I think he deserves some praise tbh.

I do think you need to take care if involving the parents unless you already know them fairly well. Manipulative behaviour often comes from parenting. But, your husband is the legal eagle here, so hopefully he'll tread carefully.

You're correct in saying that she may wrongly accuse someone of assault or worse. Yes, we all know about domestic violence and rape, and these should be prosecuted. But equally we must listen to men ... remember Andrew Malkinson.

I hope he enjoys himself at uni when he gets there. He's learned a life lesson here, but hopefully he won't have any longer term trust issues when meeting someone else. You sound to be great parents btw.

What she did was inexcusable.

I have no problem at all with casual sex, I don’t equate sex with love as some do. However, her messages made it pretty clear that she liked your son, she was willing to have sex with him even after he told her he wanted someone “better”. He knew full well he was using her and that says more about your son than it does her.

I think you and your husband looking at explicit photos on his phone is grim. You had no need to view them and it is a gross invasion of privacy.

I also think your husband taking this to school
with faux concern is the wrong thing to do, and whilst you are trying to distance yourself from it you obviously support it. What this woman did was wrong, but were it not for your son’s disrespect for women it would not have happened. Make him your concern.

Even if the boy didn't explicitly say this before they had sex, the OP has made it clear that he spelled that out afterwards. The girl should have let go at that point at least. (Although I'm not doubting that the boy could have made it clear at the start and that a desperate girl agreed that she was fine with a one-night-stand.)

I am just confused that If a guy explicitly says he wants to find a “better” girl and “better looking” girl at uni to be in a relationship with. Why would you sleep with him ? I admit that is a disgusting thing to say but surely that should have been a sign for her to stop contacting him. He showed who he was from the start.

Wow. The girl is behaving appallingly, but your son is a Grade A Dick. He’s a creep who’s just looking for a hole for his dick. He needs to grow up, treat women respectfully, and learn his lesson. Fingers crossed the “better” women in Durham are smart enough to give him a swerve.

Your DH needs to keep the girl’s school out of it, and pay a little more attention to his own son’s toxic traits.

What are you on about? I've had many FWB arrangements in my life, I'm not talking about casual sex. Have you read all of OP's posts? Even she says they're ashamed of his messages, conversations with his friends etc.

What this girl did is appalling. The number of posters making excuses for this highly manipulative and dangerous liar is quite shocking.

OP, your DS has learned a valuable lesson. He should choose more carefully in future.

I have questioned this repeatedly, and said that this thread makes no sense. OP says her poor naive son is so attractive women are sending him nudes after blocking them and ‘begging’ them not to, but also that he is desperate for attention and this is his fault and have taken away his phone and iPad, he is 18, why would you do that at 18? I think maybe there are some porkies being told along the way.

I also doubt the school will do anything considering it’s August and they have both left for good.

The thing I'm most appalled at in all of this is the number of women assuming other women have no agency.

It is possible to be a woman and enjoy casual sex you know. 30 years ago I had plenty of no strings sex as a young woman, always used protection (both condoms and pill because brought up in era of AIDS), always clear it was casual.

Assuming that every man is using every woman whenever they have sex diminishes women and removes the steps we've made towards equality.

You are underestimating his part in this. It was a horrible lie and she got a bit obsessed it is over now. If he had clean hands in this, it would definitely be a problem, he should have blocked her when he got the first photo he didn’t consent too.
He needs to move on, get back to school unless he has plans to travel or do something for the year.

He didn't want to start a relationship with someone just before he was going off to uni. That seems pretty reasonable to me. And aren't university years meant to be time to have fun and date lots of people?

I actually would contact both schools - in a very generic way on the safeguarding side. I would say that your son has reecently finished in the 6th form, you have 3 younger booys in the school and, due to reeceent conversations with your oldest son, you are concerned about the culture between the 6th form boys and girls. I would say that your son is regularly sent inappropriate, explicit and illegal photos from girls and that you are disappointed with the way that he speaks about and treats girls. I'd say that you are obviously dealing with your son's attitudes yourself but say that you feel the school should be aware of what seems like a much more general issue.

Given the recent publicity about boys' attitudes to girls in independent schools I imagine the school will want to know and prvide more PSHE/visiting workshop type support for their pupils. I remember it coming up and being explored in the school I work in and we developed our PSHE curriculum - and we're a prep school that only goes up to age 13! Teeenagers' minds are frightening at times and both sexes need all the support they can get.

I'm so sorry your son felt he had to defer university. I don't quite get it when it was for an appointment which would have been before the start of Durham's term. Maybe he just panicked. I doubt it can be changed now but maybe he can make the gap year a positive.

I think you must have cross-posted in reply to another thread, because if "the condom split", it never resulted in a pregnancy... because she never got pregnant...

She concocted that lie after the short-term FWB arrangement the OP says her son communicated to the girl prior to sleeping ended

So she decided a good way to make him all her own and forever was to tell him she was pregnant when she wasn't, which sort of fucked his life up for a while

She later said sorry... which somehow sucks all the events back up into a vacuum cleaner, just like it never happened.

Hope that summarises the situation facts as portrayed by OP

"He also needs to learn to step back from vulnerable women and girls rather than have sex with them as they are "easy". Your son's attitude is a major problem and as pp said, Andrew Tate vibes."

That's a wild interpretation of the information presented, like when you look in those funhouse mirrors and the image does not reflect reality

There's nothing in OP's post where the girl communicates upfront, I am vulnerable, please don't use for me an ONS and if you do, I will ensnare you with fabricated news of pregnancy, therefore making it all your fault

Normal accountability is a 50% split on both people entering into an arrangment

"Icecreamisthebest · Today 11:45
You need to tell your son in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as just sex because there is always a risk of pregnancy and he should take this into account every time he has sex. He also needs to be told that having sex releases hormones in women that make them want a close connection with the male to continue. So for very few women it is just sex. And especially not for teenagers."

Also this from the post which followed mine but expressed it so well:
"His mistake was not recognising that the constant pressure from the girl to have sex had clearly had some emotional attachment for her. Perhaps you need to talk about that and hope that he does some work on his attitude to casual sex. He needs to not always give in to his sexual urges especially when someone is being persistent."

I think this is really important. Each of us makes the educational decisions we think are best for our DCs but, because I only had daughters with no immediate boy social group, I was determined that they would be educated alongside boys so that they learned the similarities and the differences. You've had 4 sons whom you chose to put through a boys-only education and it seems to me that your eldest doesn't know as much as he should about young women and I suspect the same goes for your younger sons. In fact, you admit the same about yourself (even though you were a teenage girl once) and I'm sure it applies to your husband. That is something you all need to be working to correct.

There's no doubt that this woman was very wrong to lie and you have acknowledged that your son behaved badly towards her around the sexual encounter.

I agree with posters who say your husband should not be discussing this with the girl's school. It is overstepping and an abuse of his position on the parents' association. However, if he does choose to refer to her lie, then I think he should also give a full account of how your son treated this girl - the bad as well as the good - since there is learning also for the parents at the girls' school around this.

As parents, we all fuck up from time to time (at least, DH and I certainly have). But it sounds like you have also got a lot right: your son used condoms; he showed an inclination to step up; and he did ultimately come and talk to you about this. I have found in life that the most painful lessons are the most important ones so hopefully your son has learned some vital lessons here, including to treat young women better in the future.

@PithySloth you are getting a hard time from some here. The girl may have ADHD, be vulnerable or any of the excuses given for her behaviour but at the end of the day she is a liar and very manipulative.
Your son tried to take responsibility at the pregnancy announcement by deferring University and taking a job, not something he did lightly. He also took responsibility by using protection. His mistake was not recognising that the constant pressure from the girl to have sex had clearly had some emotional attachment for her. Perhaps you need to talk about that and hope that he does some work on his attitude to casual sex. He needs to not always give in to his sexual urges especially when someone is being persistent.
I think there has to be some consequences or help for the girl. That was a very serious allegation which has already impacted your son's future. She needs some input be it counselling or support for whatever emotional gaps there are in her life. Just be aware that she needs help not condemnation. Your husband needs to focus on help for her and possibly others not punishment.
Good luck.
I really do wish some responding would do @PithySloth the courtesy of reading all her posts. She has stated more than once her son did not have unprotected sex.

I think you should move on tbh. As you see from some of the responses, if this becomes a thing, some people will judge your son too. This is a learning lesson for your son. It’s not just men who can be toxic and obsessive in relationships. Maybe he will think twice before ‘bluntly’ telling someone he only wants sex in future. Nothing wrong with consensual casual sex but the messages you describe do feel a bit off