AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Can't be arsed? During core working hours? Which pays for housing, food, clothing, life, etc

THere are countless families that can't just schedule around their children's extracurriculars, let alone afford them. (And I write that as a parent who can, but I know most can't.) Especially when those 'schedules' are sprung on them from an ex who signed the DC up without consulting the parent who will have the DC at those times and would have to get them there.

This is an Ex deliberately trying to make her ex and new partner/spouse look bad. It's really not on.

She's deliberately fucking with your family: your money, your time, your jobs, your other children ... just to get back at you for existing as a family. You know that right?

SS is a living breathing human being, ask him what he wants.
Ask him if he wants his dad to quit his job to accommodate the sport his mum won't accommodate? Will do... great suggestion.

SS was around before you and your young children so why do his activities have to be planned around your work and his younger siblings pick ups?
I've said my work and daycare arrangements to show why I CANNOT personally take him. I've also explained at great lengths why his Dsd can't take him. Also, this particular sport wasn't around before me (I'm 13 yrs with his father btw) or our shared children.

Can't one of you take him to the activity? Why is it both of you and young children?
I've repeatedly explained. We have jobs. We can't just flake out. We accommodate his other sport that he doesn't want to drop... we physically can't juggle anymore.

Are there others taking part who live locally? If so they would probably welcome a ride share.
Again, I have repeatedly explained that NO there isn't.

Id be more questionning of his Mum for an explanation as to why he hasnt attended training camps that you have helped pay for. Sounds like he isnt that bothered?

She doesn't respond. Communication is court ordered email only due to her aggression (over 9 years ago at this stage but it's just worked better). My DH told her that obviously we are supportive of SS hence the idea to swap days and we have spent a considerable amount of money for equipment and clothing for him in the last year. I actually play recreational with him when we get a chance as its a sport I played in my younger years.

SS just says he doesn't know. I would hazard a guess that either his uncle or stepfather can't take him every week, which is understandable. But DH hasnt got anywhere with either of them to figure out why tbh.

Oh yes. But given SS has expressed interest, we try to ignore her irrational behaviour (she's remarried herself so not sure why she cares tbh) and focus on trying to do what we can. But there comes a point where we would all fall down running around meanwhile she would be taking him to one session every 2nd week. She doesn't take him to the other sport bar maybe once a month (and often it's just her husband not her).

I think the SS mum is being deliberately awkward here. Seems your SS does 2 different sports the majority of which falls in his father’s days?
You ANBU to ask her to compromise a little! You will still have the same amount of time with DSS just not one night of dropoff/pickup. Sounds like she CBA doing it. Does she have other DC/ work commitments that would make it hard for her?

Yes, at present that is the only day where SS is here and doesn't have training or a game / tournament. The other sport falls on her time one in 4 sessions and that's usually a game. Sometimes my DH will take him to it, sometimes her husband or other times a friend on the team takes him.

She doesn't have other children and she works 10-3 term time. But she doesn't drive, and her husband does work full time. It's possible that he has his own plans which us fair enough.

When does he have time just to see his pals or actually study?

Most families esp those with multiple children cannot revolve around one child's sports and hobbies.

I think I'd say he needs to choose one sport or the other
And that rule will apply to your own DC too.

We had this argument with him last year when he took up the new sport. He dropped a different one (non competitive) so that freedom up some time for him to give his body a rest. He stays in school at the library to do his homework until he gets the bus or is picked up, catches up on the weekend also.

Lots of his friends are at the other sport so he sees them there, and he has 2 days at his mum's with no sports after school so can see friends then too. The sports don't run during half term / holidays bar occasional camps.

Next year is exam year and my DH has already told him that he will need to pick one sport for exam year only as it's just too much.

Yes, I know people on this thread are saying that I'd make it work for my biological children but I think they are missing the point that my biological children would never be in this circumstance because we wouldn't allow them to do a sport that means we struggle massively with getting there.

It sounds like you are going to great lengths to make this work, beyond what one would a bio child with two parents in the house.

One question - you said he has one school friend that plays the sport also. Have you checked to see if he could go home with his friend then you/DH could pick up?

I've got two bio sons with activities. I have made it clear that it has to fit in with our family as well if they need help to get there. It has nothing to do with step or bio- ALL family members are important, parents as well.
Ofcourse you make sacrifices for your kids but not to the point of running ragged or risking losing your job. People are mad here! Sure it's just because you're a stepmum.🙄

Why do you need to swap a day with his mum, why can’t he just stay with her that day? It’s not like his dad is spending time with him anyway?

Well currently his Dad IS spending time with him on that day. He picks him up after school and we have family dinner, they often game together that evening or watch a movie whilst I sort the younger kids baths etc.

So yes, if he does this sport then DH will get to spend less time with him. By swapping days it will mean that every other Monday evening they can have quality time / we can have family quality time that we currently do on the Wednesday. By swapping for the Fridays every other weekend it means that DH can equally partake in that sport too with SS (spending time together there and back, watching him train etc).

In your example, Why can't SSs mother swap days given SS will be doing the sport anyway so she won't be sitting at home with him? Why should DH & SS get less time together or less time with his siblings because his mother won't swap?

Op I hear you.

My youngest wants to do club football, I just don't see how I could fit it in.

I think DH needs to explain to the boy how its just not working, he can't put his job at risk for a sport.
DSS needs to decide which sport to continue, keeping in mind hes not far of exams.

If mum wants to facilitate the 2nd sport it needs to be on her time and her cost.

DH did explain to SS why we couldn't facilitate the Wednesday and let him know of the solution he offered re swapping days. SS seemed happy with that but his mum has said no.

DH will speak to SS today in person. Obviously we try not to put him in the middle but not much more we can do.

Well nothing more to discuss, Mum can't make it happen, you can't make it happen, then it can't happen.

I can't help feel this is about controlling your family but all kids have to work within the confines of what a family can provide and what's available in their area and what's affordable to the family.

What do you mean by controlling my family?

His mums signed him up to something, half the time he doesn't make it on her watch.
But your DH is expected to bend over backwards to make it happen on his watch.

Its also taking up a lot of your DHs time, including on weekends, so he's got less time for you and less time for the other kids too.

Ah yes sorry, I thought you meant me!

No definitely not you.
The boys mum is deliberately trying to control your husband's time, which to a certain extent also means your little kids time too, if they want to do any sports or anything on a Saturday, yes they are little but football and dance classes start about age 3.

It is not OK to sign a kid up to something which involves other people you haven't asked doing significant driving about, no (especially when they are already doing that for another hobby). But I don't think you are dealing with logic here.

Our middle child does actually do football on Saturdays. I wanted to do swimming lessons with the younger but they are also Sarurdays so ill need to do a term on term off with the 2 smallest because we can't guarantee that both husband and I would be around Saturdays as SS has sports to travel to. But that's life. We don't mind being busy at weekends but I know we will get run down if an extra night of outings is added to our plate.

I don't think you need anything else from this threat honestly - I hope anything in here helped you, but you knew the answer already. This is a ridiculous request and I'd be saying no to my own children who live in a house with both their parents. If one of them wants to do something we can't facilitate... they either come up with a plan (car sharing, etc) or we just say no. No is a perfectly legitimate answer to this one.

I'd say for lots of reasons actually this doesn't work - he needs time to study, he needs time to spend with his family, he isn't going to be able to maintain this next year, it's a new thing that he didn't prioritise in skipping all those camps you paid for... it's a really long list and one that I'd say to my own kids.

Very much agree that busy kids are great and busy teenagers are super important, but it's not logical to focus on two different high impact activities by this stage - you have to choose. My daughter dropped gymnastics as it was just impossible to keep up with gymnastics and dance. My son dropped football this year (at 10) as he's starting his black belt training and has more taekwando than before... these are normal conversations and normal situations. People are just a bit confused as it's a step-son so a bit more important to make sure you're treating him fairly. And you definitely are.

Definitely say No, he needs to fit in with his siblings

I don't buy the MN logic that the step child shouldn't need to make compromises for half siblings.

If a family prioritised the PFB over younger children it would lead to resentment and accusations of Golden Child.

This is no different, Dad has 3 children, he needs to give his time equally to all 3, including getting the LOs to swimming.