AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Presumably the real issue here is Stepson’s mum signing him up for things that are on your time without checking with you first.

Well yes, because we can't actually get him there. If she had checked with my DH first she would have said we can't accommodate, could have looked at different clubs perhaps or had a discussion around how to make it work.

We offered a solution that works for us but she doesn't agree.

Is it tennis OP?
I think you really shouldn't be entertaining this at all.
Your husband does what he can, within reason and you do not involve yourself.
She refuses to engage with you.
No way would I be bending myself out of shape for this when you have two children to rear yourself.

Hang on, are you saying that if your dh swapped to Friday evenings, he wouldn’t have one down day to spend time just hanging with his ds? Because that’s not on at all. And your dss then doesn’t have time to spend as a family unit with his little siblings either (and that’s without even mentioning you).

I’d take her at her word. She doesn’t want to swap. You can’t do it. Get your dh to speak to his ds as I suggested upthread. And he should refer his ex back to the court order. This most certainly is all about control. If it wasn’t, she’d have found a solution. And she would have ensured the sport was 50/50 on her time, even if that meant she had to work more and pay for Ubers to get your dss there and back.

Apart from your dss’s mum trying to control you, your dss needs to be taught life doesn’t revolve around him. And you need to take your littlies to swim lessons. They could be life saving. Unlike this sport, which your dss is going to give up in a year, because he has to study for his exams.

Again sorry but this just isn’t true.

As mentioned both my kids do elite sports - one does it four times a week with game on the weekend (travel can be a few hours) and the other does three times a week with game on the weekend - same travel. Not to mention international camps which are 2-3 times a year abroad.

We both work senior stressful jobs.

My eldest aced his exams and sees his friends and girlfriend when he can (day off, weekends)

Of course it is doable if you are hyper organised, efficient and want it to work. We do so it can be done.

So the swap would be every 2nd Friday and every 2nd Monday. If we were to swap then the Monday evenings would be the only evening that SS has off at ours. He'd have Tuesday at moms.

Granted there may a weekend day every now and then where he has a day off but most weekends there'll be extra training or a game for one or both sports.

Yes, DH is going to sit down with SS this evening and have a chat. Thanks

Our middle has done and continues swim lessons on Mondays. The younger ones schedule is Saturdays so while SS has sports during the year we are happy that swim lessons are every 2nd month. It's a compromise so all 3 can do something.

Good for you if you've both got flexible enough jobs or the external support thats required to enable both kids to do elite sport for many its just not possible.

I work until 5pm, my LO needs picked up and fed, its impossible to be anywhere before 6.30pm lots of clubs and classes are much earlier than 6.30pm.

So it just doesn't happen.

Well maybe my SS mother can do it then.

But the OP is already doing that, this is a 2nd time intensive sport and means that there is restrictions on the clubs for the other two children.

Currently there is child 1 (SS) doing activity A, child 2 doing swimming and football and child 3.swimming with time for family time.

The proposal would be child 1 doing activity A and B, child 2 doing swimming and alternating football depending on whether child 3 is doing swimming and no time for family time.

How would you and your children feel if one of them started an additional sport which meant the other had to drop some of their time doing their sport?

I'm one of 3 and I think this is one of the biggest downsides of having 3. Even with the best will in the world it's impossible to be in 3 places at once to satisfy all the children. Usually in these situations there are more children than adults, OP and her husband are lucky in that if the will was there the routine can be shifted so that there are 3 parents getting 3 children to all of their different activities and ensuring their is family time and time to do everything else they want to do but there is one not engaging and doesn't seem like they are wanting to make it work. Bobby

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Tour subsequent posts explain it better and in reality if you need to work you need to work!

No family around us at all. So that’s out.

We are office based and can shift slightly if we have to but it certainly isn’t easy.

"Cycling hours at night in rural Ireland?
For safety, that just wouldn't happen."

Fwiw I agree with pretty much everything you've said, but there's actual written evidence that you mentioned cycling.

Shame you denied it as you've given those hauling you over the coals a stick to beat you with.

I shall read on and watch the beating 🫣

That mention of cycling was a direct response to that poster. She says that I mentioned cycling previously to a different poster. I didn't...

But thanks for trawling through and attempting to find flaws where there are none.

Being able to shift time slightly is massive.
You also have teens, who have a bit more independence, can probably come home sort dinner for themselves.

You are forgetting what life is like with pre-school and primary age kids who need collecting. Need fed and need bed at a semi sensible time.

One teen doing two time intensive sports is just unfair to the younger children.

I read those posts literally moments apart so no trawling was necessary.

I'm sorry my support for your stance on the issue didn't come across clearly enough.

You're in a "damned if do/damned if you don't" situation, and that sucks.

Someone hasn't rtft 🙄

For pity's sake, won't you RTFT (and the f doesn't stand for "full" in this instance)

Do you not realise that threads move over time? More information is added, ideas are explored?

Yet you come swanning in with no idea, telling the OP where she's going wrong. I'd be embarrassed to do what you've done.

Sorry this made me laugh 😂

This is the down side of marrying a man who has children, which you did with eyes wide open. Did you think the first child was never going to grow up? Did you take into consideration your workload for the additional children when you were having sex without protection?

You are, in essence, complaining that his son exists, but you knew he existed before you got married and before you had children. You are also, down low, complaining about having too many children. Also probably true given your workloads.

You complain that your husband is not doing enough to ease your burden of care for his children with you, that they, and you, are, in essence, second. That is probably accurate. They are second because they are younger and because he has another child who is out of the house. You knew this going in. What you didn't know how to do was to extrapolate those circumstances into the future when you were dating, or getting knocked up, and now you're surprised and angry.

Additional children do not get rid of your husband's obligation to parent his first child. When you married, your husband already had a previous obligatory commitment to his first child, which includes, but is not limited to, driving him to and from sports practice and games. Practice and games, generally speaking, do not follow custody agreements.

The mother and the father are both 100% responsible for 100% of the driving, so if Stepson's mother fails, he, as the father, has to pick it up. He cannot split up with the mother of his son, have more kids, and then say, "oops," I cannot get my first child to his activity. He is obligated to do this whether the mother is a deadbeat or not. It is the bare minimum he can do, and it was 100% fully foreseeable.

Dad has the duty to step up with his oldest child, a child who does not live full time with his father.

Is there any reason why he cannot take at least one of the younger children with him to drive their brother around?

Cant a team member parent help and you return the favour another night. Thats how most sports operate

Another one who hasn't read the full thread. It's getting tiresome.

Ikr

😂😂 I think you've read the wrong thread love.

I've never complained about the burden of my children. I have explained REPEATEDLY that we divide and conquer when needed.

Of course i knew my stepson would grow up. I've been in his life and contributed financially, emotionally etc since toddlerhood.

This is a NEW sport. It has zero to do with our other children. My Stepsons father has a real life job that pays the bills and puts food in his sons belly and cannot get him to one day of this NEW sport. He can and will get him to the other day and to the matches.

This NEW sport was booked my stepsons mother who is refusing to swap days to help get him there. My husband doesn't have an obligation to take ANY OF HIS CHILDREN everywhere they want when they want if it is detrimental to his job.

Also, yes SS doesn't live full-time with his father. Because he also has a mother and WANTS to spend time with both.

The reason he cannot take the younger is because my husband is AT WORK

Yanbu from me - I don't think that parents who share custody can just sign kids up to activities without discussion and agreement.
I wouldn't sign my own kids up for late finishing activities if I had work at that time or a long distance to travel and other kids in the mix. Sometimes children can't do everything - that's just life.
Id tell mum that we can only do it on nights where there's no late finish at work - since she made this decision unilaterally, she'll have to facilitate son getting to and from.

I think this post is triggering some readers.
@MonkeyMaze101

They haven't RTFT and are coming down on you like a ton of bricks in some instances. 😬

Well I think YANBU and have tried your best this far, but your SS mother is being difficult here. 💯
We can't always get what we want, whenever we want. This also applies to children.
Your SS must feel shattered (same as you all) and needs to pick just one sport/hobby and have down time. Or else he will spread himself too thin and next thing he will have exams on top.

ETA: I hope it gets sorted OP.