AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Everyone is being ridiculous. If my ex signed up my own daughter to a sport that would impact my time with my daughter & work schedule without speaking to me first, I’d be livid. It sounds like the kids own mother doesn’t bother actually getting him to this sport most of the time herself & the kid can’t be that committed to be happy to miss so much of it. If this had been the mother of the kid saying the ex DH had done this I’m sure everyone would be agreeing it was out of order but cos it’s a Stepmother and Mumsnet hates stepmothers then of course she’s being unreasonable. OP you are not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be facilitating this with what sounds like an already busy schedule. Unfortunately kids can’t do everything they want to do and it sounds like he is already very committed to another sport. There are limitations. You’ve offered solutions. They don’t work. Unfortunately he can’t do the sport in that case.

It hardly impacts his time with dad. The dad is working that evening anyway, so if the kid doesn’t do his sport that evening he’s hanging around with stepmum

Although a conversation should have been had before the SS was signed up on the logistics of it all. However it sounds like you would have said no even if it happened.

Sounds more like your jobs done aline with having children. You will surely have to change your jobs/working hours for when your small children are older and want to do things on evening anyway.

Also think this has got out of hand. He’s doing far too much in his exam years and there is a point where you can’t facilitate everything. My own kids do too much and I’ve had to say no to lots of things. There are only so many hours in a day and you can’t let a child’s sport compromise your own financial security. Work commitments do have to come first.

Is your SS likely to do this sport professionally when he's an adult? If no, then it simply shouldn't be a priority over your and Dh's jobs, other kids, and downtime as a family.

Your dh needs to explain to SS the exact situation and why it doesn't work. Your family is a team. He's old enough to understand that the entire family can't turn itself inside out for just one member.

Also of the opnion it’s too much. Great he has a sport, the second sport is impacting too much on your lives and needs to be dropped.
He will survive.
You must all be exhausted.

The bad feeling this is causing will have negative effects that far outweigh any benefit SS would get from doing the activity.

If I’m reading this correctly if the mother swapped contact days during the new sports season (so 50% of the year only) she could take him Wednesdays and you would take him Fridays? Assuming the Wednesday has no negative effect on her existing schedule?

For what reason is she declining this offer? Would you then have SS all weekend and she would only get the week days? Does she then do more of the ‘running around for sports’ than you do?

Or is she just genuinely awkward?

Dance and cricket are the bane of my life. I’ve been known to serve tea in the bloody car to my younger children to facilitate some activities.

It does sound like you already do a great deal to facilitate your step son.

This is the life of a teenager. Your husbands son. You have to make it work. I very much doubt his mum signed him up for something he didnt want to do.
It is difficult but you have to fully support him without making it sound like a burden.
Its probably something your husband could do with him 1-2-1.

If he doesn't do that sport on that night, the DH works.his normal hours, picks SS up at 6 by which time he has his achoolwork done in the library. DH then doesn't log back / physically go back to work until after 9pm.

He needs to drop the travel sport. It’s not reasonable for your whole family life to be dominated by his sport. 1 sport is enough.

Travelling 2 hours for matches is too much for a second sport which he is not
committed to when the family set up is complex.

I bet the lad will actually be pleased to have some time to chill and sleep etc .

What about your own needs and the needs of the younger children?

I have a super sporty 14 year old son btw and have said one sport only.

The swap would mean that she has every Wednesday (she hasn't suggested this is an issue) and we would have every 2nd Friday through to Tuesday. On the other weekends we would have until early Saturday morning.

The only issue she has said is that she still wants her fridays with SS. No further information has been given but in reality SS will be at aports training anyway on teh Friday, which we've said we can make work for the Friday (as it's easier to keep the small kids up later if needed or we could work early Saturday to make yp hours etc). She still has a full Saturday and full Sunday every other weekend.

I know last year he often missed Friday training as they went to the cinema or something but I dont think that's a reasonable answer - that we have to take him every single night he's here and she gets to walt off to do fun things and he misses sessions.

We asked to trial the swap in days (mostly because we don't think she'll take him every week) but she refused that.

Please read the thread 🙄

We did actually make him drop one other sport last year (his choice what he dropped) because he was absolutely shattered.

Since he’s a teen, surely he can get the bus/ train to it and back again?
Maybe picking and dropping off at train station if there’s not one in your town.

This thread is nuts. Kids can’t always have what they want. It’s ok to say no to them. This family cannot accommodate this extra sport. The sport will still be there in a few years time when he can be responsible for his own travel. He doesn’t even sound that committed to it!

The mum was well out of order to commit you to something you couldn’t manage.

Yes, we suggested to trial the day swap as although he is good at the sport, and says he wants to do it and is committed... he (nor.hsi mum) showed that commitment last year due to lack.of attendance.

It is also the only evening SS is with us where he doesn't have a sport so it's nice to have that one day where we can easily eat a meal together and not just be on the road all the time.

Which are all good reasons to say no.

I think people are arguing against you so hard on this thread because he is your step son. If it was one of your own children putting this much pressure on family life (particularly if it meant spending less time with step son!) then you would have a lot more support.

I think mum, dad and son need to have a face to face conversation about this which either results in mum swapping the day as you’ve requested, helping out more with the mid week training or agreeing to end his participation in the sport. It’s currently not workable.

I think you have done everything you can honestly and it’s time to just talk to your SS and be super honest with him. He’s old enough to understand that you need to work. Even if you had no other children, the hours just don’t work for him to have a complicated activity every single night. My daughter is 13 and does competitive dance - several nights a week and some weekends. My son has Taekwando 3 nights a week plus competitions sometimes. We have one car and a fixed income and this is what we can manage logistically and financially. They know this and understand. My daughter would love to dance every day but we just can’t do it and she’s old enough to understand that.

personally I’d say no to this - you tried to find solutions with his mother (which aren’t great anyway as she doesn’t drive), you already flexed loads around his other hobby and this just isn’t possible.

This is a challenge faced by many families whose kids want to play a competitive sport and are good at it.

Everyone is different- personally i did absolutely everything I could to facilitate the kids sports activities- i value their importance and want to give them the best chance.

You've said its only about the Wednesdays but have written a lengthy post which comes across as if you do it all begrudgingly - dividing on weekend days for example is pretty normal, rather than dragging younger dc to matches.

You said dsd is 15 - what other options have you explored other than swapping days? (which I actually dont think is fair as it leaves mum responsible for extra travel - you seem.to blame her but its dss wanting to.do the hobby)

Its normal at that age to uses buses or taxis, or arrange a car share with another parent or ask the coach for ideas on getting him there. You mentioned wfh, what about catching up on work in the car or a nearby coffee shop on those days?

Op this sounds ridiculous and the other thing to consider at 15 he must be coming up to exam years. When the heck does he study?

I think I'd say one sport only, if he wants another hobby do something local, learn drums or something.

I don't think jobs should be put at risk for a kid to do multiple sports.

Most kids are limited on what they can do hobby wise because their is a limit to what families can facilitate, either financially, time balancing the needs of other children

So is he doing a sport virtually every evening? When does he get schoolwork done?

OP

Your very long post doesn't mention how good the SS is at this sport, whether he really enjoys it or not. It doesn't even say how old he is.

SS is a living breathing human being, ask him what he wants.

SS was around before you and your young children so why do his activities have to be planned around your work and his younger siblings pick ups?

As for dad missing time with the younger ones, well he doesn't have his son full time so I am sure he can manage a few hours without them.

Can't one of you take him to the activity? Why is it both of you and young children? I realise you can't leave the younger children alone but why does it take two of you to get him to this sport?

Are there others taking part who live locally? If so they would probably welcome a ride share.

So hang on, his mum is signing him up for things, that she cannot physically get him to and is expecting a bunch of other people to do her bidding? She’s beyond unreasonable here. I don’t even know why you’re trying to make this work

I agree with this. OP is NBU, especially as the DSS doesn’t seem that interested in the sport (skipping training, not attending paid camps).