AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

YANBU there should be some give and take. But honestly I think you're being unnecessarily rigid.

My ex put our son into Cricket and became a right pain about it including an abusive court case

Oh and could not even get him a decent kit

When her ex left who was the cricketer as if by magic he stopped going

I am kind of sympathetic as it sounds difficult to organise but there’s so much ‘we’ in your post, where you’re meaning ‘you, your dh, and your children’ , I expect her side is a very different story. Your step son is your dhs son, in exactly the same way your children are. It’s fairly normal and a great thing when a teenager does a sport, because it’s normally that or something ‘worse’. Yes, it’s a pain in the arse to facilitate. But we do it. So what if your dh spends a whole day with his own son?!? Completely unnecessary to take the pre schoolers with. ‘We’ surely both aren’t needed to pick nursery children up- just you are? Then his dad can sort his teenage son. Whilst in terms of what you’ve written, I’m not unsympathetic, the whole tone of your voice is ‘shiny new family’.

Can your husband go on his own? That seems the most sensible solution,

Basically thought the ex should not be making commitments for you without your agreement

Poor kid.

Why is there all this we in your post. Dad takes him, you do the other stuff. What does the kid want?

... thus forcing OP into default solo parenting. Swell.

I agree, it’s a bit like ‘we all want to be home eating dinner together after daycare, we don’t like to go out after 9pm because our preschooler is tucked up in bed’, but actually the DH has an older son and it’s just life. He doesn’t live the life of a couple and one preschooler where they sit and watch the child throw food off the highchair in awe, multiple children particularly with an age gap means changing your schedule for them, running around, late pick ups etc.

That’s the reality of having more than one child. Sometimes one parent is looking after younger ones while the other is ferrying older one about. My entire teenage years my parents barely had a weeknight without at least one of us needing a lift to/from a hobby.

What do think happens in other families with multiple children who do different activities?

how is it solo parenting? they have a blended family, one adult is with two children the other adult is with the other child. They're both parenting.

You are not unreasonable to not do it but your husband would be. This is his child, he only sees him half the time and the other half he can spend with your younger kids, and he has very few years left of parenting his child. It’s just part of being a parent really, it would be very mean of him to deny his child having this hobby just because he chose to have a second family.

When you have chosen to have teenagers and pre schoolers, then yes, much of the time both parents are solo parenting, as there are completely different interests. The dh is also solo parenting. Divide and conquer will be the only option.

it will be the same in a non blended family with a mix of teenagers and under 5s. Teenagers need lifts fairly often - to jobs, sports, friends - (depending on public transport where you live), mostly in the evening. Separating out the parenting is the only way.

Ok replies are coming in fast and I'm not sure I'll be able to keep up responding to each one directly. I'll try to cover most things here.

I've referred to he signing him up purely to say that there was never a conversation woth my husband about scheduling etc. She never told my husband about it just sent a nasty text after the first session last year that he hadn't taken SS (obviously he didn't because he didn't know about it).

Yes, stepson came along well before our shared children. But the sport wasn't being played before these children existed. Stepson also plays another sport that takes up every other evening / weekend day he is with us - we take him and pay for this. Wednesday was the only day that we had downtime and not having to take him out.

The issue woth timing re work etc is that my DH has to leave work early to pickup stepson from school (we live rurally so the bus route is still 20 minutes from our house). They arrive home at 5.30 and DH has to go back to work from home then. I have to go in the opposite direction at 5.30 to pick up our younger kids. Stepson would need to leave the house again at 6pm and wouldn't return until 9.30pm. Most evenings we are both logging in online again to make up for the missed work hours one or other of us has had during the week to get him to his other sport (which he has played for 8 years).

The issue with leaving the house at 9.30 is that we aren't always both home, my husband often has to go back to his workplace to make up the missed hours to use certain equipment. I can't really leave 2 tiny kids to nip out.

Our solution was to swap one access day each week so that he could attend on the Wednesday with his mum (which is 50% of thar sport) and then we can guarantee we can take him every Friday (as I finish work slightly earlier) being the other 50%.

Why is that not a reasonable solution?

My 8 yr old has a sport on. Friday at 7.30pm, my husband wfh that day, picks kids up from school, gives quick dinner, inwgt home, take over youngest child and dh takes our son to his sport, stays for the hours and brings him home during that time I get youngest to bed and eat my dinner.

One of you goes home and feeds the wee kids, eldest takes a pack lunch in the car if necessary and Dad eats around the travelling. It's not that hard to figure out.

I have an older child training 5 nights a week a toddler, and a pre schooler. Some times, if one of us can’t be home to have smaller ones they have no choice but to come. Some days locations are too far to drop and come back so we hang around for the two hours. Later nights than ideal? Yes but sometimes needs must. It’s part of having older sporty kids. Dinner picnics for the car when needs be and you just make it work.

I also don’t get ‘ or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far’
again that’s just part of it, we have weekends when one of us is away most of the day with the older one. Some times Saturdays and Sundays all day and you end up ‘missing out on a full day with them’ but you just see them the next day 🤷‍♀️

It's not a reasonable solution because you have him 50% if the time so actually it's not possible that Wednesday is your only downtime because surely 50% of the time you don't have to figure him into your daily lives at all?

There needs to be a joined up plan for the cost and attendance to the sport. It's not fair on anyone to be paying for a sport that doesn't get attended and by that I mean not fair for both sets of parents, the team/club and the child.

How does your SS feel about the sport and missing so much of it? That is where I would start, then you need to come up with a plan for drop off and pick ups. If it's not workable maybe the particular sport or club needs a rethink, especially if there isn't the buy in from the SS.

I know cricketing families where the summer term is one parent ferrying the none playing child around to matches and training sessions otherwise they wouldn't see the other parent/child. I know others who do similar for football and swimming.
My sister used to run for county and trained several times a week and competed all over the north west. Whilst she was engaged and enjoying it, it felt worth it. Once she started to not want to go and wasn't as committed she was asked to make a choice, she kept the weekly training as she enjoyed that aspect but stopped the weekend competition then an injury meant she had to stop completely. She loves that she got a chance. There was a 4 and 11 years ago gap between her and me/my sister. Larger age gaps mean more divide and conquer.

Wednesday was the only day that we had downtime and not having to take him out.

The issue with leaving the house at 9.30 is that we aren't always both home, my husband often has to go back to his workplace to make up the missed hours to use certain equipment. I can't really leave 2 tiny kids to nip out.

It seems quite unlikely that your DH has to work back in his office regularly until 9:30 on this particular day. It’s both your day for downtime but also your DH is busy back in the office? Wouldn’t he be finished by 9pm if he’s only making up an hour max to collect DS from the school bus stop?
Why can’t your DH go into work earlier that day if he’s able to make up times and be relatively flexible with his hours already?

Your DH needs to make this work. Living rurally isn’t ideal with a teenager and this is one of the reasons. He could see it as quality time with his son when they get to chat etc rather than as a negative. It’s not forever

The 2 working days that we don't have SS currently we need to work extra hours because we both have to be flexible the days we do have him to get him to his other sport.

Ok. So how many non working days do you have him?

Neither of us can physically get out the door this one day a week (Wednesday) early enough for SS to be at the training session. Every other day he's with us one or other of us get him where he needs to be.

Re the DH missing out on a whole day. My point was actually that this does happen and it's not an issue... we do it because we want what's best for stepson. We try as best we can within reason.

Does he actually want to do this sport, that he doesn’t seem to actually attend much?

I think I’d say you will facilitate, pay for, travel for and support one of his sports and everything else needs to fit around the rest of the family.

Your SS missed 50% of the training during his mother's custody time ie she didn't take him.

He also missed 7/9 summer camp days - the only days he attended were during your DH'S custody time. ie his mum didn't take him.

The Ex didn't initially discuss starting this sport with your DH, and hasn't again this season, even though the designated sessions have changed days.

He already is very involved in another sport, and it's not possible to work around other work and family commitments to get him to this new one.

So I would be telling him, and Ex, sorry, we can't support this, and withdrawing him. Or he just does the sessions that Ex can take him to.

I think that's perfectly reasonable.

How keen is the stepson? Is he champing at the bit wanting to go? Was he disappointed to miss so many days of the summer camp? It sounds awfully like he’s not that bothered and him Mum has booked this for other reasons, including controlling you.