AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Sounds like a typical challenge with sporty kids, unfortunately, with the complication of a divorced family thrown in.

how does your step son feel about the sport and training?

You keep talking about his mum signing him up as if she’s the villain, but as a teenager presumably they want to do the activity and have asked-it’s not something the mum has picked just to make your life difficult.

How old is SS? Is he able to do any of the travel under his own steam? How committed to the sport is he? Is there likely to be an end point - when he's doing exams or whatever?

won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts.

Why would all this need to be done before he can be brought to his sport though? You can pick the child up from daycare, DH can collect his son and drive him to training with a packed snack in the car? I don’t get the big deal, you need to have a big of flexibility with older kids. They will want to be part of a sports team often, and this is a very typical set up of training in the week/ match at the weekend.

She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

It sounds like she’s making a reasonable compromise, surely? From your side after work is too early but 9:30 is too late? I don’t think it’s really a reasonable line to say the father can never leave to meet his son at 9:30 surely? It’s not that late.

Agree with pp - you write as if DS’ mother is behind all this but if it’s what he wants then it’s not unreasonable for both parents to support it.

and when I say both parents I don’t mean you. I think you should leave your DH to parent his son who came along long before your pre schoolers ever did.

Is there anyone else in the team he could car share with?

Can you not work out a rota with other parents of the sporty kids. Presumably it’s the same group and your dh knows the other parents from games etc. that’s what most people do take turns each week or one drop off and one pick up.

You sound selfish

If your stepson wants to do it then yes it's as much on your dh to facilitate as his mum.

When it’s sports night you adjust food accordingly, why can’t he have a quick meal and his dad take him?

It would be a bit crappy for the elder son to miss out on his hobby because (ultimately) his dad made the decision start a new family. Imagine with your own younger kids, I'm sure you'd do everything in your power to support them to pursue their interests. You (or rather your dh) should be doing the same for his eldest.

I have a child doing a time intensive sport. It’s a pain in the arse but we make it work because she is serious about it and works v hard at it. She is the deciding factor and we support her as best we can. How much does SS want to do this? How old is he? If H and I were divorced DD would choose to live with whichever parent lived closest to the sport venue and enabled her doing it. If both were equally supportive it wouldn’t be a factor.

Does your SS want to do all this? That is key here
it is really hard work if you have kids that do certain sports and matches, and arguably SS has three parents that could help not two (technically you could leave it to DH but that’s not ideal).
while his mum definitely should have discussed with you prior to signing up, I think if SS really wants to do it it’s up to both parents to make it work

I feel like there’s crucial missing info here.

Why can’t DH take DSS to his sports while you deal with the other DC? Or vice versa if you prefer?

You make it sound like you are all doing everything as a family group all the time. I blended families don’t do that, they split up and organise things as efficiently as possible.

Have you forgotten to tell us something?

OP you are being selfish. Millions of parents up and down the country do this all the time.

So your SS wants to do a sports and all you care about is your inconvenience. If this was your kid you would work it out.

Having kids means 30 minute training journeys (normal), waiting around for hours, eating at different times and having dinner late.

Kids sometimes have to be dragged around .

If you love your kids and want to support then you make sacrifices for them to do what they love. YABVU.

OP, I must admit I got a bit lost in the detail of your post, but there's some key information missing, namely how does your stepson feel about the sport? Is he really keen never to miss a session or is it something that he'll go to when he's taken, but doesn't feel that strongly about? If he really wants to go, does he have any ideas about how to make things work?

If you’re both sometimes working late at night, what happens with them younger children. Unless you’re both working from home.

It sounds like she is compromising by taking him, you just need to pick him up at 9:30. Is going out at 9:30 ideal, no but that’s life with teenagers.
Sports nights are always a pain for dinners but we adjust, have things that can be warmed up at different times, car picnics etc. Again, you just make it work with teens in sport.

YABU, sorry. It's Part and parcel of having Kids who do a sport. DD trains 5 days a week, and the hours I have spent ferrying backwards and forwards plus weekends when either DH or I are away all day with her....

Look into parent taxis. We had 4 children from our village at one point so each did one trip.
Alternate who takes him. Take a book and enjoy some peace whilst the other parent has the small ones.
Once DD turned 12, I said she had to get the bus there by herself. Is there anyway he can go direct from school, can he wait at the club if he's there too early? DD takes a pack up and eats and does some homework whilst the younger session is running. I collect her, so that's only one trip instead of two.
You don't actually have to stay and watch the game - drop him off and go off and do something with the younger ones, come back at the end to collect him.

Good point, has she always been like this? As in if she broke things up, got mad when her ex remarried, and is doing this out of spite, that's one thing. But if your husband broke up the family, and she's just trying to do her best for the kid to have something he likes, then yes, you should do whatever is necessary to help with that.

My DS plays football and it’s training twice a week and matches at weekends. As a parent you have to fully commit to these things. On training nights we do a snack after school and then have a lighter meal at night, usually something like beans on toast, an occasional McDonald’s etc. Within the team, if someone needs a lift etc then others will help. Do you not have Spond or a WhatsApp group to ask if any of the other parents could give him a lift sometimes?

I do think your DH needs to try and make the schedule for his son, it’s for his benefit after all.

Its called being a parent. Its obviously a sport he is good at if he travels that distance for matches. Its on your DH to step up and if that means you end up picking up more load at home then thats also what you signed up for when you married someone with a child. Im pretty sure you'd do it for your own kids without hesitation so you need to apply the same principle.

This. It’s perfectly normal in many families to do this and I did it for years as a single parent with a preschooler and an older child. His dad should be supporting this. I can’t believe you let him miss 50% of his games just because it wasn’t fitting in with your schedule.

This is what teens do and your own kids will likely want to do similar. He will massively resent it if not supported and might just reduce his time with dad.

Stop painting mum as the villain

do you both need to be there collecting and feeding the younger kids? You take care of younger ones, dad takes his teen to the activity.