AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

[MonkeyMaze101]

Posting here for traffic. It will be long but don't want to dripfeed / leave out anything that might be relevant.

For background context: DH & I work FT. He has one teenager from a previous relationship and we have 2 preschool aged children together. Stepson is 50/50 between here and his mothers home.

Now the AIBU: Last year SS mum signed him up to a travel sport without discussing with us. Essentially he would have 2 training sessions a week (one on her day, one on ours) and a game / tournament most weeks. These games are minimum 2 hours drive away from our home. Whilst obviously we are happy that he is playing a sport, we couldn't physically get him to the training during our access because of our work schedules and needing to collect other kids from childcare and having to feed everyone etc. For a few weeks his mum collected him from our house and dropped him back but she was always making nasty remarks about how we were lazy and unsupportive. We took him to pretty much every game / tournament which often meant lugging the young kids along or my DH missing out on a full day with them if it was too far. After a few weeks his mum just stopped collecting him during our days. He also missed probably 50% of the training on her days.

There have been half-term and summer camps that stepson has been signed up for and that we have either paid fully for or contributed toward. Out of a total of 9 days, he attended 2 days of the camps (on our time).

This year his mum has signed him up again and the revised training means it is 75% during our access. We live a 30 minute drive from the training grounds. We physically cannot get him to one day of the training (50%) again because we won't be finished work, collected from school and daycare and home to feed everyone before the session starts. My DH told his ex that we cannot take him this day and to facilitate it (because she's being quite nasty again saying we aren't supporting and we are full of obstacles) we could swap days so that the access arrangements all change by 1 day. That would mean that she took him every week on Wednesday (the day we can't do) and we would take him each week Friday. She has denied this and said its unreasonable because she wants Friday evenings with stepson too. That's fair and makes sense but the training sessions go on until 9pm so there's not really much Friday left unless of course she wasn't taking him?

We suggested that we just have that arrangement during the sport season, meaning it's only half the year. That was a no go. We suggested we trial it for a few weeks and see how it works, that was a no go. She has suggested that she will collect stepson and bring him back on the Wednesday. Are we being unreasonable to say that no, that doesn't suit us? Midweek one or both of us are often working late at night and we don't want to have to go to the meeting point at 9.30pm to pick up Stepson.

YABU: Just suck it up and struggle so he can do the sport, even though it's less than ideal for the rest of the family.

YANBU: You have offered solutions and the other parent needs to compromise too.

Rather than swap why not let her have the Wednesdays and keep the Fridays?

No not both my kids aren’t teens and I remember how hard it was when they did what they do then.

They don’t sort dinner for themselves - we home cook and we eat later.

Wr are hyper organised and no there aren’t other kids around to share lifts. We drive them to everything - we choose to do it and are happy to do it. We find a way and it has worked.

It isn’t about sacrifice for us - it is about supporting our kids to do what they love.

Yeah it’s hard but in OP’s situation I would make it work whatever it took.

Because she doesn’t take him faithfully. She’s playing games.

@Itsbeenalongtimeincoming "We do so it can be done." And you are living rurally too, yes?

One of my children does an elite sport, she trains 7 days per week (for hours at a time) then I take her to competitions approx. 10 times per year for 2-3 days at a time. Then there are the camps for approx. 2-3 weeks per year. I cannot physically work full-time plus take her to her training and competitions and we don't even live rurally. If we lived in rural Ireland (where I'm actually from), it's unlikely she'd even be in the sport as her competitions are all in GB.

My point is - just because YOU can make it work, doesn't mean EVERY family can make it work.

You are not bu OP, his DM could easily swap days but is being awkward for the sake ot it and making your life a little more difficult.

And my point is that it is possible to do what OP needs to as clearly we do a lot more.

What do you/your husband facilitate your son/step-son doing in terms of hobbies/sports/social activities?

Obviously it's not on for Mum to simply sign your step-son up to something and tell your DH that you and DH must always be at this place at this time because that what step-son needs.

However also your husband has a teenage son and an important part of being a teenager's parent is facilitating them doing some after/evening school activities. DH & you chose to have two more children, knowing that he would be responsible for some of this.

If you are thinking that your step-son can only do activities if it's convenient for you that DH facilitates those, you are wrong. DH taking/picking up SS from an activity some evenings is a part of being a teenager's parent as he is, just as much as picking a young child up from childcare and giving them tea is. DH needs to work out a way he can appropriately parent his teen, just as much as he needs to appropriately parent his younger children. If that means you have to do something different like leave work early to collect the kids one day, because he can't because he's taking SS to a hobby, or the kids have to eat late or have a packed tea because they have to go with him to get SS, that's what has to happen, just as if you'd had all your kids together but there was an larger age gap between them.

@MonkeyMaze101 how did conversation go with the boy?

If he is 15 can’t he go to a cafe somewhere to eat so your DH can leave work later (5pm?), and take DSS direct from school? Why do they both need to come home first?

DH taking/picking up SS from an activity some evenings is a part of being a teenager's parent

But the way things currently are, DH is taking/picking up SS from an activity every evening that he is with them. SS never has an opportunity to relax at his dad's house and they are never able to spend time together as a family with him.

Meanwhile his mum, who is also a teenager's parent, isn't doing it any evening, because when it falls on her time, either her husband or brother takes SS, or he doesn't go.

And the man (I mean his dad, rather than his wife’s husband) is doing that almost every contact day. If he did this as well, he’d have to drop to part time at work.

Op and her dh already do an inordinate amount of stuff for the lad already and are out with him what sounds to me to be 3 times a week and are making up the lost time in work hours on the days that he isn’t there.

It actually doesn’t sound to be in the lad’s best interest to do more. He was so exhausted when doing two activities that his dad got him to drop one. And even if ne does cope, which seems unlikely with an already intense schedule, he has already been told he will have to drop out in a year, due to studies.

You and your dh can do it, because you’re a team and op’s dh is being expected to do this solo. No team playing from his mum. And you are senior, which can mean a lot more flexibility in working hours than someone more junior. Do you physically return to your place of work to get your hours in?

Op’s dh has given dispensation to work flexibly on contact days as it is court ordered contact. That’s an adjustment. He has to be on site to perform certain tasks. He’s literally running after his ds, then returning to his place of work to get his hours in. So those extra hours of travel to and from his place of work also need to be factored in. Some days he goes in twice. He has to have down time himself. And see his other kids sometimes!

Not everyone can do sport at an elite level and ace their exams. My dd is ND for example and needs a lot of scaffolding. She simply wouldn’t have coped with this regime. We are all different.

That's makes it even more clear that this is about the boys mother controlling what happens in the Ops house.

But then in another reply you said If he doesn't do that sport on that night, the DH works.his normal hours, picks SS up at 6 by which time he has his achoolwork done in the library. DH then doesn't log back / physically go back to work until after 9pm.
so my suggestion still works, he goes at 6 drops him at sport, comes back around 9:30 and logs in, goes to office.

Jfc, what an incredibly pompous and longwinded way of telling us you haven't RTFT.

Or even just OP's updates.

Bo-ring 🥱

Why do you bother wasting time writing a comment when this has already been asked and answered several times upthread?

Honestly, I'd like to understand why you invest the time in typing a question, but not in RTFT, or even just OP's updates?

Either you're interested in the thread or not.

Interested - read it and comment.

Not interested - scroll on past.

Have you actually read ANY of this thread before writing this sanctimonious patronising crap?

Because it's all been asked and answered.

You clearly haven't read the updates explaining exactly why it is NOT possible.

I totally agree with the other posters who have responded to your outrageous drivel.

READ. THE. FUCKING. THREAD.

Poor kid.

9.30pm is the pick time from the pick up point, so he still needs to drop his ds home and return to the office. If he does that, he won’t get to the work until let’s say 10.15pm. When is he supposed to have down time or sleep?

These suggestions are going to lose him his job. And it sound like the point. His ex wife sounds very controlling and wants to disrupt his right to family life by any means possible.