Did I make a fool of myself at work?

[user89909]

Feel like i have made a complete fool of myself at work i told my manager I'm fed up of people constantly asking me for money for collections then talking about me behind my back when i don't contribute, making comments about me not attending out of work meals ( i was on holiday for the past 2). I just constantly feel like people are making comments about me behind my back including the manager and I've had enough. Told her all I want to do is do my job and then go home.

Well I don’t think you’ve made yourself come across well and like a great colleague

Do you have any evidence that people are talking about you or do you just think they are?

Did you not contribute because you didn't have the money or the principle?

if you don’t like them then don’t worry

Good for you.

None of the activities you mention are compulsory, however, I think you could have put your dissatisfaction a bit more tactfully.
I know how annoying it is when you work in a big dept and you're always being pestered for money because of people leaving, having a milestone b'day, having a baby, getting married, Secret Santa, milestone wedding anniversery etc etc.

Hard to say really.

If I thought people were making comments about me behind my back, I’d probably speak to them about it.

It doesn’t sound like a very impressive conversation, for sure

There’s more going on because, not going out and not contributing are rarely chat worthy.
How do you find your ability to bond and be cordial in the workplace?

This entirely depends on whether they are, in fact, talking about you or if this is just your perception.
Missing nights out because you are on holiday is not an issue - do you go to some when you are around??
Not contributing to things is a bit trickier. What are they for?? Do people contribute to things for you?? If you can’t afford it then that’s that though really. A colleague who never contributes to the social cohesion of a workplace is never going to be well liked.

Oooff no it doesn't sound particularly great,maybe a tad whiny. But if I was your manager,I'd let you vent,assume you were having a shitty day/time,and say nothing about it to anyone ever. I'd keep an eye on how you're getting on with your colleagues though,any excluding/bitching etc.

@Smartiepants79 "A colleague who never contributes to the social cohesion of a workplace is never going to be well liked."

So IYO the "social cohesion" of a workplace is more important than peoples' work ethic ?

I use to go on nights out all the time then when I returned to work after having cancer 3 years ago a colleague made a comment that I wouldn't go (when I had put my name down to go) and laughed. I did attend but I didn't really enjoy I find been in large crowds and it being noisy quite overwhelming.
Again I use to contribute to collections but stopped after returning off sick, I reduced my hours so money is a lot tighter.
I overheard two colleagues and my manager talking about collections, one of the colleagues said it would be great if everybody contributed and laughed but we all know user89909 won't.

They’re mean, ignore them.

Well they sound childish and petty. I think however you could ‘play the game’ a bit more and politely refuse meals
out - say you have other things on. It’s not
a big deal and you are there to ultimately do a job.

You overheard someone speak the truth. They didn't say you were mean or stingy they simply said you never contributed and it's true. It could have been all in good humour. I don't think you made a fool of yourself but you probably didn't show yourself as being the best team player either. It sounds like life has thrown some difficult things at you and they need to take that into consideration too

I think it’s important, not necessarily more important than work ethic but to be a well rounded team member who can work both independently and with others you need both

The problem is that these people presumably don’t know your perfectly valid reasons for not attending or contributing. It can make you look a bit tight and mean-spirited.
I am not saying that you are those things at all but that becomes people’s perception.
They should NOT be speaking unkindly about you behind your back.
How do you feel you expressed yourself to your manager- calmly or with anger? This would make the difference for me. A calm conversation about it and that you find it uncomfortable would have been most effective and professional. If you went in in a bit of a rage then it’s not going to look so good.

Not more important of course and there are ways of doing these things. But I do believe that the social connections we are part of in many workplaces are important and can impact the effectiveness of a team to do its job. They are paramount in my line of work for example. If we are not close knit as a community it severely hampers our ability to do our jobs well.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 I agree, but I don't believe your ability to work in a team is determined by how much money you donate to various gifts and how much socialising you do.
As a contractor, I was often constrained by distance when it came to out-of-work-hours socialising and never felt it impacted my team contribution.

Work is not a family, it's a contract. They give you money, you give them hours. If you get made redundant, the waters close above you pretty quickly. People stop mentioning you within a fortnight after you leave. If people need to throw you under the bus to make themselves look good to get on, they will. Treating work and coworkers with realistic expectations makes life considerably less complicated.

I agree, you can’t always contribute money or attend out of hours events. But you can try and have the coffee machine chats or going to the canteen with colleagues instead. Whilst I don’t know that the op is not doing this if I feel from her attitude that she probably isn’t and isn’t coming across as very approachable.