Did I make a fool of myself at work?

[user89909]

Feel like i have made a complete fool of myself at work i told my manager I'm fed up of people constantly asking me for money for collections then talking about me behind my back when i don't contribute, making comments about me not attending out of work meals ( i was on holiday for the past 2). I just constantly feel like people are making comments about me behind my back including the manager and I've had enough. Told her all I want to do is do my job and then go home.

Hi @user89909 No.. you didn't make a fool of yourself. You raised a complaint with your manager about disrespectful behaviour.

What was your manager's response to your complaint?

I noticed that There's a big difference in how you expressed yourself in your first and then in your second post. I get a feeling that is because in the first post you were playing back what you actually said to your manager. And in the second you were giving valid explanations because you were more relaxed answering a question here. Im guessing that you were more anxious about talking to your Manager? I think it would really help you if you could write it down like you did in your second post before talking to her again, it was so much easier to see what you were concerned about.

I also noted the pp who said that the comments were true. But you had good reasons and I think as it happened twice, they were deliberately saying it when you were in earshot knew you'd overhear, which I think is an unkind way to do that and disrespectful. They could have said something to your face.

The colleague saying not to ask you to an outing as you'd never come, even though you'd already put your name down was just plain bitchy. This suggests to me that this kind of behaviour has been going on for a long time... and you've had some challenging health problems which means you could do without this nonsense.

I don't know how the manager responded but since she seems to be involved in the overheard conversations... you should write this all down clearly and speak to HR. Contributions and Outings are not compulsory as this lot think, and you shouldn't have to put up with this.

I stopped giving to collections in my old work place after it was every bloody birthday, but my 30th was forgotten and I got a card a month later!
My current place I do, because it's only ever a quid and everyone is lovely.

Well your manager is a complete hypocrite then.

If that was her response to your complaint.. "one happy family" that's complete B/S. Particularly since you say she is one of the people making the comments behind your back - though they are careful enough to say them in your earshot so that you can hear them!

Did she give you any indication of what she was going to do about it?

• Say that she would speak to certain people?
• Write a memo to staff reminding them that contributions and outings were all optional and that they should remember that not everyone can afford to contribute, or might be busy with their families, and therefore its unkind to keep commenting on who is participating and who is not?

Something like that. If she doesn't do something then she's a rubbish manager too.

Do you think that they will stop making these comments now you've spoken to her?

Union advice would be to make a note of these occurrences and give a date if possible and who was there, in case this escalates and you have to take it to HR Certainly you should write a note of the date and time and contents of the conversation you've just had with her, and her reaction.

If I was your manager I wouldn't think you foolish. I'd be glad you raised it and I'd try to make changes.
In our workplace we stopped collections altogether and gave a gift paid for by the company on behalf of everyone. People have different financial situations and no one should feel put on the spot.
Similarly if people were putting you under pressure to socialise then I'd be making it clear to all in general terms, that it wasn't on and that not everyone wants to or is able to go to things.
Then I'd ask you a bit about how you were finding professional interactions with colleagues to check there was nothing going in that would impact your work.

I think it was foolish to raise it with you manager as an informal grievance TBH. Let's hope he doesn't launch an investigation , as that's only going to make it worse.

You are not really coming across as a team player in the office. Social gatherings are generally part of being part of a team. If you are away on holiday then it's obvious you can't go but did you tell them that? . Make sure to thank them for asking you but do tell them the reason for declining . It's ok too to say you can't afford it this month as well, or that lacking childcare/a baby sitter means you aren't free that evening etc.

Office collections are annoying and I've stopped contributing to people I barely know, as the office I work in it's totally hot desking open plan and large numbers work from home so it's no longer a discrete envelope passed round with a card to sign . People are now emailed the organisers bank account details for donations to be paid into, so the amount given is not confidential, and a card isn't often passed round, the organiser gets one but just prints out email messages o stick in the card.

Perhaps if you manager takes your complaint further you should refocus your complaint on the unequal treatment in the workplace if not everyone's birthday or event is remembered and celebrated .

If you were away 'on holiday' for the last 2 staff get-togethers then it slightly contradicts the argument that you can't afford ever to contribute to any collections. It's your money and you can choose to spend it how you like - including zero on work colleagues and work gatherings - but your colleagues will probably notice and have a view on it - thst is also their right. Nothing you have written suggests anything further than banter but now you've gone whinging to the manager which is also not a good look. Surely it is worth the hundred quid a year or whatever it is - and by no means do you have ro contribute to eveeything - in rhe spirit of 'going along to get along' and making the working envuronment more congenial, including for yourself. This really isn't some brave battle against The Systen you're fighting, you just make yourself look tight.

Yuck. If she's eager to be "one big happy family" why is she talking about you behind your back? Probably others as well.

If she's so eager to be "family" why do some people get more and bigger collections than others? All of these things are what you do in a toxic, dysfunctional family - not a happy one.

Good for you for saying something. Including the part of just wanting to do your job and go home. I'd have also added that the vast disparity in the amount and size of gift collection is extremely unfair and is another reason why I don't want to be part of them.

I’m guessing you work in an office as they can be very catty, cliquey. Personally nothing wrong with going in doing job coming home. Nights out ok to avoid unless it’s a work meal I.e the Xmas one, collections are tricky ours stopped once wfh imposed was such a relief. It’s hard not to be paranoid with people talking behind your back.

Did you comprehend the part of OP's second post explaining that money was tight as a result of them reducing their hours on returning to work after Cancer-related sick leave?

Completely agree with you OP.

Work know that I won’t contribute to the endless collections, won’t join out of hours social events, unless we are away over night and then I’m the first to bugger off.

Work for me is transactional, they pay me to do something. They aren’t my friends and I don’t want to know about their lives. I’m there to work and get the job done.

What management think of me as a person, outside of being able to get the job done well, isn’t important to me.

Yes, but she waa also on holiday for 2 or the work nights out so fairly or unfairly, work cilleagues might be thinking 'well money is not that tight'. Look, every chance the work colleagues are a horrible lot. Or just a random group of people with varying levels of niceness/understanding. I thnk throwing the odd fiver into some collectiions (not all) is not going to be the difference between poverty and wealth but might be the dofference between being part of workplace culture and not. And thereby making HER working day more pleasant. It's really not that deep and this 'cause' is not worth the fight.

Jesus whar a blesk outlook on something that takes up a massive part of your time.

Not unreasonable to just want to do job and go home. Unreasonable to say you want that and then get upset about what your colleagues might think about it. If you don’t care about being friends with your colleagues why do you care what they say about you behind your back?

Additionally, you yourself are talking about them behind their backs here, implying that you don’t agree with certain behaviours such as contributing more to the collections of colleagues they get on with than those they don’t, so it’s a bit hypocritical to have a problem with them doing the same to you.

35 years so far and it doesn’t seem at all bleak to me.

Then I'm quite surprised by your take on this and the lack of empathy towards what we know of the OP's situation. It is the OPs business what they spend their money on. If the 'one big happy family' workplace culture is one of bitching and intolerance of people making different choices, and is contingent on whether they contribute to collections and go on work nights out rather than being good at their job and being a supportive, reliable colleague, perhaps they are well out of it.

@Smartiepants79 · Yesterday 19:24
'A colleague who never contributes to the social cohesion of a workplace is never going to be well liked.'

'Social cohesion'?

I stopped contributing to collections in my last workplace simply it was a never ending series of request for birthdays, people leaving and so on. I simply don't have the money to contribute and donate to people who I don't even know well or like.

I also only socialise with colleagues on very rare occasions. I have my own life.

Nothing wrong with any of that as far as I am concerned. Collections and socialising with colleagues should be optional, not expected.

Colleagues are not friends. I have had the unfortunate experience of working in places where people were absolute untrustworthy, backstabbers and since that I keep my distance. I am polite with colleagues but no more.

OP, you were fed up and you have a moan. It's done now.

If people are talking about you and ostracising you to the point where it becomes bullying then I would make a formal complaint.

I just think that regardless of circumstamces, if you break social norms then you also have to expect people to notice and in some cases, form a negative view of it. It is very naive to expect otherwise. I am quite outspoken on things I consider important and accept that means I am not everyone's cup of tea. And that's ok.

This is good advice. Fine to not go out with colleagues but don’t make it come across as not being interested in them

We only tend to do collections for retirement. I organised the last two, and i can't tell you who donated or who didn't, so I can't keep a mental tally of who does or doesn't contribute, and it's not how I assess someone's team working - that's more about how they show each other how to do new processes, step up when it's busy, etc.

We don't have very many socials, but there are always people who can't attend - leave, childcare, on shift, other social commitments, chooses not to socialise outside of work, etc. I refused the last one because it was karting and I'm just not interested. If anyone judges me for it, that's their problem, not mine.

It's not your family thou !
It doesn't matter what the manager wants if u are working and doing your job that's all that's required !
Don't worry what other people are saying their not your family lol 😁

I agree with you, people can notice it. What they can't do, and what the OP is responding to, is create a hostile environment in the workplace by making bitchy comments to them and talking about them behind their back. That is potentially bullying which the team manager appears to be participating in. This is poor management behaviour and would suggest the manager is too cosy with their team. Aside from that, the manager is quite foolish as the OP has a protected characteristic as a result of their cancer diagnosis. Hence my question about whether there is a HR they can go to.

OP - I hope you got a good night of rest and can go in today with your head held high.

Nothing wrong with just wanting to do your job and go home. Nothing wrong with not adding to collections.

I DO think you could have played it a little bit better though. I probably wouldnt have said that to my manager to be honest.

Hay ho, its done. Forget it and move on.

Ignore people talking about you. People will always find a reason to gossip and chat shit about people in the office anyway!

I have totally changed my mindset re work. I have a good career and I do enjoy my job but whenever I feel its getting stressed i just remind myself my life after work is whats important to me. Im not saving lives in my job

Woekplaces that describe themselves as 'familys' are generally toxic.

Collections can be incredibly annoying.

I wouldnt have said it allowed, but your collegues sound awful.

I cannot stand the "we are like a family" bullshit! No, my family are at home. Not here.

And you are right. Ive had 2 jobs that were 'like a family' both toxic as shit both expect you to work late for free/move holidays or be contacted on holiday... the list went on. And we were expected to do it because we are a 'family'

Fuck off.

This is a really cynical outlook and not at all one that i recognise, either as a permanent employee or as a contractor. You spend most of your life at work. The majority of my lifelong friends are former colleagues. If people genuinely feel like this, then they've not yet found the right working environment for them.