Did I make a fool of myself at work?

[user89909]

Feel like i have made a complete fool of myself at work i told my manager I'm fed up of people constantly asking me for money for collections then talking about me behind my back when i don't contribute, making comments about me not attending out of work meals ( i was on holiday for the past 2). I just constantly feel like people are making comments about me behind my back including the manager and I've had enough. Told her all I want to do is do my job and then go home.

We had an interesting dynamic at work where a lady would refuse to to donate because she said she had financial issues.She frequently stole from the collections so she took an unusual slant to not contributing.

this totally

😮

I am retired now and one thing I am glad of is not needing to contribute to collections for marriage, people having a baby etc etc. At one time we didn't collect for anyone and then it seemed like every week there was a collection for someone or other.

I’m not interested in socialising at work. Money-£10-is paid annually direct from our wages (if we agree) to pay for leavers. Individual departments do birthdays etc. Yo7 are not obliged to contribute and frankly, having overhead them mention you by name, I’d have shamed them-you simply can’t afford it and why should you? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Well done for standing up for yourself. I hate the outings and collection culture, it is not healthy and whilst some people might be fine and even enjoy it, others don’t for lots of valid reasons and it doesn’t make you wrong or a bad colleague. I’m a senior manager and I police this with my own teams and I would stamp out gossip and judgement.

I would never contribute to collections in work because I felt it was a racket. Not only because of the moral pressure and guilt tripping. Also because some people got more than one collection (engaged, married, childbirth) and others got nothing. There was never any check on how much was collected or what it was spent on. I forbade collections in my own team when I was a manager. Of course I could not forbid individual gifts but I would not allow someone hawking an envelope around my staff.

One of my young relatives had the courage to go to HR and say she felt bullied and humiliated because she could not afford to give £10 to a collection of someone she had never met. HR send a memo out forbidding staff collections and they henceforth had to be authorised by head office.

I keep myself to myself at work. I'm polite and will have a quick chat. But I don't get involved in the back stabbing or gossip and don't socialise.
I also don't give to collections or sponsor people.

Everyone is different. I'm quiet and private. I don't mean any offence or harm to anyone but I'm not comfortable in social situations and not overly chatty at work.

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. It's your choice whether you contribute to collections or attend work socials if they are outside of work hours. I find the culture of this excessive and tiresome. I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing people talking behind your back about it. Do you have HR to go to?

That's the thing they are never fair like you say some people have loads and some people have none. In my work place some have a birthday collection and some don't even though they contribute. Everyone has a birthday but it just seems the popular staff get the collections.

I was calm but did start to get a bit upset which is when I said I just want to do my job and go home. I do regret saying that because my manager is very much I want this to be a happy team and thats the environment I want to create like we are all one big happy family.

They sound like a bunch of arseholes OP!

I don’t think you’ve made a fool of yourself.

But you might have a reputation for not giving to collections or joining in.

FWIW, I regularly get taken the piss out of at work as I never want to socialise with colleagues. I have been bought several things over the years that say ‘I want to be invited, but I’m not coming’. In fact, I don’t even want to be invited 😂

I always donate to collections though.

Yep. I do not contribute because when I first started my job I got married and later had a baby and did not even recieve a card - so I won't contribute anymore. I also do not want to socialise with work, I have small children and I would rather spend my evenings with my family. Could not care less what they think tbh.

This. Nobody should be obliged to attend outside of work events… we aren’t paid for them.

Stay strong OP, you did not make a fool of yourself. It's awful people expect everyone to contribute we all have our own financial pressures, some people are generous, others less so and some do not contribute at all. That's how it should be.

Also after work acirviites what if you have a busy life after work, gym, other classes etc. Kids to look after. I would genuinely go if I could or go for a short time and leave early otherwise if you can't make it there shouldn't be an issue.

I am like many if the other posters, I don't contribute at all and I only attend after work events if I am free which I am often not. I am a work to live type of person so I go to work to earn moneg to live my life. So long as the work I do is enjoyable I don't need to be best friends with my colleagues. If you click and it happens great but I don't go out of my way.

I find it all abit like being back in high school with the talking behind your back instead of just respecting your decisions.

I don’t contribute to collections because in my workplace there’s about 3 a week and u cba.

I don’t care if my colleagues go on the nights out or contribute to collections. I care about them doing their jobs properly so that the rest of us don’t suffer and have to bear the consequences of their skiving/poor efforts. I also care about them not kissing managers arses and not making team meetings longer than they need to be.

The other year I counted up how many collections there had been. If I had put in £5 to every collection I would have paid out £105 over the year. I can’t afford that.

Urgh a “happy family” it’s a place of business.

That's really awful behaviour by your colleagues. You've been unwell with a likely permanent change in both your energy and income. Hopefully, your manager understands this and is happy for you to vent. You didn't make a fool of yourself at all in my view. All you can do in these circumstances is to make it clear on future occasions to everybody that this is outside your control. Just tell your colleagues you have less stamina after your illness next time you can't go to a work do. Perhaps make a reduced donation to the next collection and say, 'Sorry it's not more but since I had to reduce my hours things are tight'. Generally, I'd give the unpleasant colleagues a wide berth and remind yourself you only have to be polite, not best of friends. Your self esteem shouldn't rest with them.

I don’t think you made a fool of yourself @user89909 I think you were right to speak out. There is nothing wrong in my view with just wanting to do your job efficiently and then go home. The same with donating for colleagues. It’s completely dependent on your choice and circumstances. I spent the majority of my teaching career as a single parent. I couldn’t afford either the time or money to socialise very much with my colleagues outside of work. I contributed money for colleagues. It always seemed to be the same few who benefited. Birthdays, engagements, weddings, babies born. I retired from my last post without so much as a leaving card given to me.

At my work there seems to be a collection every other week for someone, I never contribute, I will sign a card with a kind message and think that’s enough. Half these people can’t be arsed to engage and chat with colleagues so I think why bother

My advice is to own your statement.

"I haven't contributed to xyz. I can't afford to / contribute to another group I feel strongly about"

"I'm not coming out on ABC as since being ill I find it exhausting / I have something else I want to spend the money on / with the commute I'm out for 50 hours a week and need to prioritise my family and own time"

Don't forget, you are there for one thing and that's money. Be a team player in the office, do your work and go home.