AIBU to say no to FIL visiting around the twins’ birth?

[craicandcats]

DH and I are expecting our first children (twins) at the end of the week. As you’d expect we’re obviously excited but also nervous and trying to make sure we’re both as prepared as you can be before the twins arrive. I’ve had a really healthy pregnancy and everything is looking good, but because it’s twins we may be staying in hospital after birth for a little while and possibly a NICU stay depending on how the babies are. Our family know this and have basically said they will come to visit the babies when we’re at home and ready. For context, we live a couple of hours away from our family so it’s not like they can just pop round, I know some family are going to come up on a weekend when we choose so they can spend a couple of days with the babies (but will stay in a hotel so we can have our own space when needed).

Anyway, FIL has a habit of booking things up or coming up without telling us. It’s not been that much of an issue, but there’s been a couple of times where it’s caused some annoyance. However, DH had a call today to say that FIL has booked a hotel for this weekend, he’s said he’ll keep himself to himself but if the twins happen to come along then it’ll be good because he’ll be around. It’s really annoyed me, he’s framed it in a way that suggest he always planned on coming up this weekend as a sort of holiday and it had nothing to do with the babies being born, but it’s obvious that isn’t the case considering I’m scheduled to be induced.

DH has told him that we’re busy getting ready for the babies and he won’t be visiting if I do go into labour until we’re ready, which we thought was the end of it, but now SIL has called to say that FIL has complained to her about us not letting him come over if he’s in our city because he doesn’t know the next time he’ll be able to come. I just don’t know what to do, if I feel ready for visitors and we get home before he leaves then of course he could meet them, but that just doesn’t seem likely and I’d really rather not have visitors in the hospital or until I’m slightly more settled at home. I’m not saying it will be weeks (as long as the babies are okay) but literally just a day or so at home before people come and visit. Maybe I’m being a bit pfb about it. But it’s just really got to me. It feels like we can’t tell him not to come because his argument is that it’s just a city break that he was planning for himself, but at the same time I know we’ll be getting constant texts to see if he can visit.

How would you handle this?. I really don’t want any extra stress and I don’t want fall outs but I also want to make sure he knows he cannot visit until we’re ready.

It sounds like you've told him and the fact he's complained to sil means he's understood. That's it. If he asks again via text, you simply repeat your "no". Let dh handle it.

Good luck with the birth and congratulations.

You don’t impose your self on brand new parents.

Although you are being induced you could still be very pregnant Sunday.

You don’t have to let someone visit before you are ready just because they are in the area.

Absolutely not. You are not being PFB - this is setting out how the boundaries will need to be if you're going to manage the sometimes competing demands of your immediate and extended family in the future. Sometimes that means absolutely putting yourselves and your needs first.

You've been clear that this doesn't work, and now you need to enforce that. I can promise you that you won't want people turning up in the hours and days after your labour. You need to focus on whatever is at the forefront, not trying to make yourself presentable for visitors.

Can your DH not just ask if he can rebook for the following weekend so he can see the twins then? Frame it as a good thing because he obviously won’t get to see them this weekend so it’d be a bonus if he can move it and see the twins. If you are only being induced at the end of the week you may not have even had the babies on Sunday so even if you wanted him to be the first visitor it’d be pointless coming this weekend

It sounds like you clearly communicated your plans and wishes to your families and your FIL has not respected that. YANBU to want to settle back at home after the birth of your babies. You will need time to rest, recover, bond and settle into life as parents. Being induced is also hard on you physically and emotionally ontop of giving birth and then the day post birth 3 hormone drop . I think your DH needs to have another conversation with your FIL and tell him that he won’t be visiting until you are all ready. Wishing you the best of luck with the birth OP ❤️

Hospital visits in some ways are less stressful OP as there is no expectation to host and there are visiting hours so they can't out stay their welcome. I had quite a traumatic birth with my first and my bil and his partner were over visiting from Scotland so they came to the hospital as they were heading home after a couple of days so it was meet their new niece now or wait 4 or 5 months. In saying that both my mil, fil, mum, my siblings and nieces and nephews etc all came to the hospital. I didn't know I could say no 😂. It was fine, it was harder when they came to the house to visit when we got home. Ultimately it's up to you. You will be exhausted and if you are breastfeeding that can be really difficult. It's something only you can decide once the babies are here.

Your having twins, ofc your not being unreasonable. Let him stay nearby and don’t tell him if the babies do come and only do so when your ready and happy too

My in laws stayed at our house when I had my first child, I couldn’t even get into the bathroom as my FIL was having a bath despite me bleeding. Was blinking awful. My DH spent most of his time cooking for them and offering drinks around. They tried it again when my DD was born, we managed to get them to stay in a local travel lodge then. And when I had twins they were definitely not allowed to stay at ours even though the twins birth was straightforward. Can’t believe I was so agreeable about the first baby! Good luck, twins are lovely! X

Thank you for the support, I’ve really felt like I’m being dramatic because my family were all happy to have visitors as soon as the baby was born, but I just want to make sure I feel more prepared. As you’ve all said, babies might not even be here by the time he leaves, which would solve the problem for us!. We could offer next weekend but as there’s a possibility of a nicu stay I’d rather wait and see how I feel about it!. It’s just frustrating because everyone else has been very understanding, even though they obviously want to meet the babies ASAP, but FIL does have a habit of not really listening.

He’s complaining to his daughter, not you. I’d say that means he understands and hopefully will respect your wishes and not turn up. YANBU at all though to not want visitors. Good luck with the birth!

If there is a nicu stay he won’t be allowed to visit them anyway.

His just got a man strop on. Is he actually in the area for an event or just hedging his bets.

when my DD was born - and not twins - I felt liked I had been pulled through a hedge backwards and needed to rest. The hill I wish I had died upon was insisting no to visitors, but instead I caved and frankly it made me feel ill and put upon.

Stay firm. SiL needs to keep out. Turn off your phone if that's the way you protect yourself

Absolutely not unreasonable to want wider family to follow your lead and let you say that you're ready for visitors. I've not had an induction, but surely you could still be on the labour ward on Sunday?

I didn't feel ready to see anyone until 5 days after my planned c section and even then it was only because I really needed help breastfeeding from my sister. From memory my dad just busied himself fixing the gate and doing some gardening, as he wanted to help, but clearly breastfeeding and getting comfortable after c section weren't in his wheel house 😀

All it really needed from yojr DH was "yes, of course' providing @craicandcats and the babies are well enough but no guarantees after a twin birth. If I can get away, you and me could wet their heads and look at pictures".

Definitely stick to your decision, and if he values your relationship he will respect it.

My BIL and SIL lived abroad when they had their first. Coincidentally (we'd planned it pre pregnancy, and to coincide with me finishing a qualification) our nephew was born the day before we came home. My sil didn't feel up to visitors after her c section and we respected that, even though we would have loved to have seen them all (we did see them before the birth). We didn't meet nephew until he was about 6 months when they travelled to the UK. 12 years on and it hasn't done any lasting damage to the relationships (and they now live 10 mins away)

But as PP said, if they are in NICU the following weekend, visiting hours are usually an hour or two max and it’s easier than hosting at home as you don’t have to host and he can’t have loads of time holding the babies anyway. That could work out better than you think so it’s worth seriously thinking about it

The fact that you are looking at a twin delivery so this is not a good time to visit and you've told him that and he's having a tantrum means you should keep him away. He's centering himself, not you and your husband. And with NICU potential, oh hell no, FIL.

Here's for happy and healthy twins.

Disclaimer: I don't have twins!

I turned my phone off and let DH do all comms with both my family and his when I was in labour/giving birth. If you don't want FIL bothering you then that's on him to sort out.

My personal experience though was that a short visit in hospital was manageable and bought us more peaceful days at home without excited grandparents wanting to visit the minute we got home, when we didn't have midwives etc to support. Neither DC needed NICU though.

I’d get dh to message fil and say it’s upto you if you choose to come that weekend but it’s unlikely we will be able to see you and it’s unlikely we will be ready for visitors. If you are coming with a view of meeting your dgc I would suggest you put it back a couple weeks to make sure they are here and home.

SIL is on our side, she’s told FIL to keep out. And to answer PP, he hasn’t got an event or anything planned literally just hedging his bets!.

I wouldn’t mind a hospital visit I don’t think but again I don’t know for sure, I just want to wait and see how I am and how the babies are before I tell anyone they can visit. They’re the first grandchildren on both sides so everyone’s really excited, and even more so that it’s twins, so I completely get why FIL wants to see them but I’d also just like him to remember I’ll have given birth to two children so might want a bit of a rest!.

Just say no. If he's chosen to visit the city, let him crack on - you are busy. Either with the babies or enjoying your last moments as a couple before you become parents.
You'll regret it for you let him go. Don't worry about upsetting him, he doesn't care about upsetting you.
He can come when you're ready only.

Can you block his number temporarily? Then agree with DH the circumstances under which you might entertain a short visit. Then just leave it with DH. You need to focus on you and your babies. Your DH can deal with his dad and you don't need to hear about it.

id text him

dear fil, such a shame you booked this weekend for your city break and not one after this. I'm being induced on Friday so we are going to be tied up all weekend, these things can take 48/72 hours so you'll likely to be heading home from your city break by then, it would have been nice to see you next week - I do understand though and hopefully you'll make it back asap. It's going to be so stressful for us both, exciting but just hoping babies don't end up in special care etc as want family to meet them so soon and that will put the kibosh on things!

this?. I really don’t want any extra stress and I don’t want fall outs but I also want to make sure he knows he cannot visit until we’re ready

This is something I’d be willing to fall out over if he didn’t listen, which he hasn’t. The only person to lose out after the fall out, is him, so you have nothing to lose. Stick to your guns. Be polite at first, but if he keeps on or if he does turn up, you need to be more abrupt and put him in his place. The only people that matter once a new baby has been born are the baby, mother, father and any siblings of the baby.

It would work if he was the kind of person to just give you practical help in your home but I get the strong impression that won't be the case!

You don't know the exact times, dates, what the experience will be, how you'll feel, what you need. And it's disrespectful of him not to take your preferences on board.

If he were to say "I'm staying locally, I will do whatever you need me to do, give me a list but I'm suggesting: dropping off top up shop items like milk and bread and fruit; feeding your cat; doing your ironing; mowing the lawn; batch cooking some healthy meals and stocking up your freezer; chaffeur duties; hanging out the washing; whatever you need so that the two of you can focus on the babies" - that would be a VERY different thing!

But that's not the kind of thing he's offering is it?

My mum was brilliant post birth with mine - she'd pop over and do household chores, freshen up my drink, drop off cooked healthy dinners, make me a sandwich etc and not with an expectation of holding the baby, just to let me feed and rest. I used her as my blueprint for supporting other friends when they've had babies - they don't want or need presents and presence, they want the chores and care that give you the chance to focus on the baby.

Glad your SIL is on the same page as you.