AIBU to say no to FIL visiting around the twins’ birth?

[craicandcats]

DH and I are expecting our first children (twins) at the end of the week. As you’d expect we’re obviously excited but also nervous and trying to make sure we’re both as prepared as you can be before the twins arrive. I’ve had a really healthy pregnancy and everything is looking good, but because it’s twins we may be staying in hospital after birth for a little while and possibly a NICU stay depending on how the babies are. Our family know this and have basically said they will come to visit the babies when we’re at home and ready. For context, we live a couple of hours away from our family so it’s not like they can just pop round, I know some family are going to come up on a weekend when we choose so they can spend a couple of days with the babies (but will stay in a hotel so we can have our own space when needed).

Anyway, FIL has a habit of booking things up or coming up without telling us. It’s not been that much of an issue, but there’s been a couple of times where it’s caused some annoyance. However, DH had a call today to say that FIL has booked a hotel for this weekend, he’s said he’ll keep himself to himself but if the twins happen to come along then it’ll be good because he’ll be around. It’s really annoyed me, he’s framed it in a way that suggest he always planned on coming up this weekend as a sort of holiday and it had nothing to do with the babies being born, but it’s obvious that isn’t the case considering I’m scheduled to be induced.

DH has told him that we’re busy getting ready for the babies and he won’t be visiting if I do go into labour until we’re ready, which we thought was the end of it, but now SIL has called to say that FIL has complained to her about us not letting him come over if he’s in our city because he doesn’t know the next time he’ll be able to come. I just don’t know what to do, if I feel ready for visitors and we get home before he leaves then of course he could meet them, but that just doesn’t seem likely and I’d really rather not have visitors in the hospital or until I’m slightly more settled at home. I’m not saying it will be weeks (as long as the babies are okay) but literally just a day or so at home before people come and visit. Maybe I’m being a bit pfb about it. But it’s just really got to me. It feels like we can’t tell him not to come because his argument is that it’s just a city break that he was planning for himself, but at the same time I know we’ll be getting constant texts to see if he can visit.

How would you handle this?. I really don’t want any extra stress and I don’t want fall outs but I also want to make sure he knows he cannot visit until we’re ready.

I don't think ybu at all!
I can't imagine you being home by the weekend if your being induced at the end of this week so try not to worry too much because it might not even be an issue!
Also just to add if you aren't doing it already I would 100% recommend colostrum harvesting before you have the babies, great to have a supply of syringes for the first few days.
Hope all goes well and congratulations! 👶👶

Totally this.... I told all to visit at the hospital because I had more control there as to how long they could stay, didnt have to host etc, also had a good security in the midwifes telling them when time was up 😂 so they got their baby cuddles in and when I got home it was just hubby me and baby

She's having an induction of a high risk pregnancy that might take several days and the babies could be taken to NICU - are people really so selfish that they can't see that OP might want to know everything is OK before inviting people for social calls?

I had 2 inductions and with the first there is no way I could have done social calls during my 7 day stay and the second took 3 days but in the end I went home 12 hours later.

All of this guilt tripping to put the needs of people not giving birth makes me happy that my 2 inductions were a a Swedish hospital that focussed on mother and baby and didn't allow any visitors that were not birthing partners on the ward.

You’re not wrong Op, you shouldn’t feel pressured into anything, especially at this particular time. Good luck with the birth, hope it all goes well!

You'll be fine to let him visit in the hospital-a friend just had twins and they were in NICU, but they were allowed visitors. There's a few rules for extended family, which you can check like she did, but it's mainly common sense things like not visiting if you're sick-and no one should be doing that anyway.
Congratulations and enjoy showing off your lovely babies.

Stick to your guns @craicandcats . When I gave birth I was so completely overwhelmed, I didn’t want to see anyone.

Absolutely do whatever is right for you. Best of luck with everything.

One other spin - obvs he's excited but is he coming to support his son and just to be around if needed, hopefully and I wish this for you that everything goes well but if it doesn't he will be there for your husband and to support him - that kind of love and kindness is immeasurable however irritating his actions are in your eyes - there may be a different angle to al of this and maybe reflects how he felt when his children were born

I really don’t think this is the case, and neither does DH. Obviously if DH needed his dad and asked FIL up that would be fine!

It's not so easy to get into NICU. Our twins were in for nine weeks and there were quite a few very sick babies. Hygiene was absolutely paramount. We were warned that visitors could be turned away for one reason or another even if expected.

Also when you get home limit exposure. Make sure everyone washes their hands thoroughly and doesn't breathe over the babies.

Otherwise congrats on two beautiful babies ❤️❤️

Most twins delivered at term (twin term) won't need nicu. It's a risk which parents should prepare themselves for, but it's far from the norm.

A lot of twins do end up in nicu because of prematurity, but given the op is reaching her due date in days that's not the case here.

Oh gosh, I feel for you. YANBU. You have no idea how you'll feel. It's an emotional rollercoaster, apart from anything else, and it's extremely selfish of him to impose himself on you before you're ready.
I have twins. They came very early and were cared for in NICU. It was an incredibly difficult time. I was expressing and feeding them and not getting any much sleep. Anyway, my parents turned up in this chaos and were turned away by the NICU staff. So I suggest you tell them not to let your FIL in until you're ready.

Err this. As someone who had a high risk pregnancy with twins then giving people their “newborn cuddles” wasn’t top of my priority list! OP needs to put herself and the babies first. I had mine at 37 weeks, was basically the size of someone probably 45 or 46 weeks or even more pregnant with a singleton (they were 5’6, 6’7 plus the 2 placentas and 2 lots of fluid). I was exhausted by the end and could barely move. The last 3 nights before l had them then l barely slept. God knows why the FIL is being tone deaf but l wouldn’t give him any thought

Slightly different take on this - also had twins first time round, was very poorly and induced. Babies were absolutely fine. My in laws were staying locally to support my DH. You will be taken care of by hospital and obviously your DH will be with you, but my DH really appreciated his parents with him for what turned out to be a traumatic time. My mum was there the day the twins were born. Equally for emotional support for me. My DH is great but I actually needed my mum to share the woman to woman stuff with!
No one was there wanting cups of tea and cuddles. They were supporting us.

But OP has said that her DH doesn't want FIL around

Respectfully OP.. It sounds like this is really stressing you out.
It doesn't matter what the norm for relatives visiting is. It only matters what you can deal with in your particular circumstances.. and the fact is that no one knows when or how a birth will go and whether they feel like having family round and at what point.

Your DH and your SIL sound firm and supportive.. so I would just say to DH, I'm handing this over to you. No one is to come until we are ready. No more messages or arguments about it.

SIL can deal with FIL, from now on so that neither of you have to hear any more about his complaints or his wishes. He's been told what your wishes are and that is the end of it.

Please don't let this stress you.. Get as much rest and relaxation as you can and wishing you the very best of luck and a good delivery with your new babies

Thank you, it seems sorted now and SIL won’t be telling us anything if FIL does say anything. I suppose I am quite stressed about it, but I’m letting it go now and am going to enjoy the last couple of days just us two!

@craicandcats yes, make sure you make the most of it and try to get some sleep! Mind you by this point l wasn’t able to do much anyway -by a week before the birth l couldn’t drive anymore (legs too swollen) and not long after walking was too tricky

He’s a bully.

This nails it.

Get relaxing as much as you can. Enjoy these last few days of pregnancy.

Make sure you take that bump picture, enjoy a nice relaxed meal in peace, a long bath/shower, binge watch some rubbish tv of your choice.

Get dh to order in a big shop of long life faves.

Enjoy and good luck.

You need to do you - but we let grandma and great grandma come and visit our prem twins in hospital. Babies are only new born a for such a short time - I think it’s nice key relatives see their future generations at the exciting phase. Would you feel the same way about your own family?
if you are being induced how close to term will your twins be?

For me - he has planned this despite you being clear about your boundaries - I wouldn't let him manipulate you and do not see him at all during his visit - if he wins he won't stop

Can he visit at the hospital - at least that way it will be short and sweet.

Good luck btw.
X

Completely agree with you. I was in for 4 days with a premie and i was too overwhelmed for visitors. I would have been fine with my parents but as i wanted to keep it fair i had none. I knew i would just spend the time crying or feeling anxious and i wasnt ready to pass a premie round other people

Fil has complained, so what. And why is SIL stressing you out so close to the birth. Let DH handle it as he already has been and ask him not to talk about that side of the family stuff/drama to you as you need to relax for the birth. Ignore FIL.