AIBU to say no to FIL visiting around the twins’ birth?

[craicandcats]

DH and I are expecting our first children (twins) at the end of the week. As you’d expect we’re obviously excited but also nervous and trying to make sure we’re both as prepared as you can be before the twins arrive. I’ve had a really healthy pregnancy and everything is looking good, but because it’s twins we may be staying in hospital after birth for a little while and possibly a NICU stay depending on how the babies are. Our family know this and have basically said they will come to visit the babies when we’re at home and ready. For context, we live a couple of hours away from our family so it’s not like they can just pop round, I know some family are going to come up on a weekend when we choose so they can spend a couple of days with the babies (but will stay in a hotel so we can have our own space when needed).

Anyway, FIL has a habit of booking things up or coming up without telling us. It’s not been that much of an issue, but there’s been a couple of times where it’s caused some annoyance. However, DH had a call today to say that FIL has booked a hotel for this weekend, he’s said he’ll keep himself to himself but if the twins happen to come along then it’ll be good because he’ll be around. It’s really annoyed me, he’s framed it in a way that suggest he always planned on coming up this weekend as a sort of holiday and it had nothing to do with the babies being born, but it’s obvious that isn’t the case considering I’m scheduled to be induced.

DH has told him that we’re busy getting ready for the babies and he won’t be visiting if I do go into labour until we’re ready, which we thought was the end of it, but now SIL has called to say that FIL has complained to her about us not letting him come over if he’s in our city because he doesn’t know the next time he’ll be able to come. I just don’t know what to do, if I feel ready for visitors and we get home before he leaves then of course he could meet them, but that just doesn’t seem likely and I’d really rather not have visitors in the hospital or until I’m slightly more settled at home. I’m not saying it will be weeks (as long as the babies are okay) but literally just a day or so at home before people come and visit. Maybe I’m being a bit pfb about it. But it’s just really got to me. It feels like we can’t tell him not to come because his argument is that it’s just a city break that he was planning for himself, but at the same time I know we’ll be getting constant texts to see if he can visit.

How would you handle this?. I really don’t want any extra stress and I don’t want fall outs but I also want to make sure he knows he cannot visit until we’re ready.

No he would definitely not be helpful! Thank you all for your advice. DH has called him and just reiterated that we will be in hospital, and even if babies do come before he goes will probably not be ready for visitors so we won’t be able to see him. He seems to have accepted it, so hopefully he just keeps to himself if he still decides to come up.

This is yours and your husbands time. Nothing else matters and if you have expressed a desire to be left alone until you guys are ready then that's it. Why would anyone get the arsehole over something like this? Let him stew, he shouldn't have booked a hotel.
Congrats and hope all goes very smoothly!

I think you’re being a bit unfair.

Chances are he got overexcited and booked it a while ago and now can’t rearrange.

As long as DH has explained that there’s a chance they won’t be born etc then it’s fine.

I think it would be mean to not let him see them in the hospital but I would also not make plans ahead of time because it depends on how you feel, when they come etc.

I think it’s pretty common for grandparents to be around and available when their child/DP goes into labour.

I mean he’s not pushed back has he? He’s complain to sil, this is just the family gossip line. Don’t think about it, it’s not like you’ll be fielding calls or texts it’ll be DH and he knows the deal.

dont stress, leave it all to your DH and focus on yourself and the babies

Well done to your husband being firm.

He asked, you said no, he complained and pushed back.
I hate, and I mean hate people whom cannot accept No and argue the point.

It makes be dig in.
Your husband was right.

Irrespective of what happens, do not contact him to come visit, or you will be vindicating his decision.
Good luck.

Absolutely prioritise yourselves at this special and sensitive time. You really don't need the uncertainty of will he-won't he. Your DH needs to step up strongly and tell his DF that neither you, he or the babies will be availabke at that time,. He could also drop the nicu into the conversation and say it really loud and clear - No Visitors. He really must not be in your orbit and bothering you from now on. Your DH can tell him that when the time is right he will get in touch with DF but in the meantime he must back off. Enjoy this week.

IME It will take some time before you will want to see visitors of any sort after the baby. In my case I did not see anyone apart from DH and DM until I was ready and that was nearly three weeks. I was very clear on this well before the birth and I was glad I did as I was exhausted and had some complications. With twins the same will be true and you need to set a clear boundaries. I understand that DGPs will be keen to see kids, but they really do need to wait.

Yanbu unreasonable at all. Stick to your well advertised and perfectly reasonable plans. It’s ok he complained to SIL. He can grumble away all he wants. Don’t let it influence you or your DH. As it was just a city break all along, and nothing to do with whether you were free or not, he has to accept that when you said you would not be free that weekend that you are still not free whether he is there or not.

I’m sorry Op. you really don’t need this extra stress. I’m being intentionally vague about my due date! I might feel great and want to see everyone immediately - but I just don’t want the stress of pre-emptive plans or requests from family, nor hassling for updates! Just let DH deal with FIL. Good luck with everything x

Your dh is doing a brilliant job at maintaining your boundary here - I just want to salute him for putting your needs above his dad's desires.

Fwiw I don't think you're being pfb about it, but even if you were - you're giving birth to two whole humans, this is how you feel, your feelings come first.

I'm glad your husband is holding the line.

I just tried to imagine myself 39 weeks pregnant again. I wouldn't want my own mum or my mil anywhere near me, for a very long time.

You've done absolutely the right thing in getting DH to deal with it. Please don't worry another minute about it - this is the time for you to take care of yourself and bugger everybody else! You sound very sensible adopting a wait and see how you feel approach and I'm sure it will be joyous when everyone gets to meet the babies and you've had a chance to recover and rest. Don't be afraid to keep visits short or disappear for a rest even if you've got a houseful. Let your visitors make the tea, tell them to bring food and don't run around after them!

Wishing you a nice easy birth and recovery 💐

I would let him come for a time restricted visit preferably at the hospital

If the babies are born and things went mostly ok, then I'd personally let him see the babies
But better if he visits next weekend.

A hospital visit is often an easier way for first visits. Saying that, everyone is different and I know not everyone likes visitors.

I loved visitors so had both sets of parents and a friend visit on the day my first was born, and another friend and her mother half an hour after getting back from hospital. If you want some breathing space to settle in with twins at home, which is reasonable, having a quick hospital visit often gets people off your back!

Errr I hope SIL had your back and told FIL where to stick it?

if not, they’re BOTH your DH’s issue to sort out.

sail along placidly and ignore the eejit!

I'm on the fence a bit. I didn't get along with my mom (lived thousands of miles away) and didn't want her visit until DC1 was 6months old. She was very hurt by that. I understand FIL complaining.

Your H should be dealing with FIL.

The thing is, if he had booked the trip for a week or two after then I’d have no problem with him visiting. But to book it on the weekend I’m due to be induced just feels a bit too intrusive.

But if he genuinely can't come again for a while and the babies are here, especially if you are still in hospital, What's the harm with him popping in for 20 mins?

Would you be different if it was your mum?

Wishing you an easy birth whenever it is.

It’s your body so your choice but I don’t know of anyone who didn’t have their immediate family members come to the hospital the day or day after they gave birth.
It’s pretty common.

And on MN it seems pretty common for grandparents to book a place close by to the birth date and make sure no holidays etc are booked around that time.

She's scheduled for an induction. Her babies might be taken to NICU. That's traumatic.

This is not the time for him to roll on up without notice and center himself like he has any say in what's going on. He's extremely peripheral to the birth and who rolls up on a couple when they're prepping for induction and a multiple birth and looking at a potential NICU stay and doing anything other than saying how can I help.

He can come again, SIL had already arranged to drive him up with her when she visits. And there may not be any harm, if I feel up to it, but I don’t want to feel pressured into having visitors if I’m not ready for it.

It might be different if it was my mum, because I know she’d help. She’s also my mum, so I wouldn’t be bothered if she saw me struggling to breastfeed, or changing a maternity pad. But even so, she’s still agreed not to visit until I’m ready.

Me, for one.

I know tons of couples who did not have family waiting around or come right away.

The difference is I’m having twins. There’s a higher risk of complications, there’s a higher chance that my children will be in the NICU, I might not want visitors until I’ve got my head around that.

I’ve also not said I definitely don’t want anyone there, I’ve told family that as soon as we’re ready they’re welcome to visit. I’ve assumed it will be when babies are out of hospital and I’m home, but if it’s sooner then I’m happy to have visitors. I just don’t want to feel pressured into having visitors if I’m recovering from a possibly difficult labour.

Everyone dashing round ASAP is a trend, probably linked to social media. Not saying your FiL will be on Instagram at the first opportunity, but it's how lots of people seem to operate now.

When are you actually being induced, OP? I'd guess you're going in on Sunday evening to get started? Induction of labour is not nice and is most especially not a spectator sport, and especially not if a man is the spectator.

You can't stop FiL from coming & staying in a hotel but if you're in labour, either spontaneous or induced, you will not be wanting him anywhere near.

I'm not sure if you've been talked through the induction process but it often takes a few days and you aren't going to want to see anyone who's likely to get your back up in that time! I certainly didn't realise that when I went in for my first induction. You need to be as relaxed and focused as it's possible to be in hospital. My inductions were very straightforward and one baby and took roughly 36 hours. Make sure fil knows and that if he wants to see them soon he'll have to be flexible, or book for a month's time. Also if you're on a postnatal ward it's not impossible you've got a catheter in, managing bleeding etc so personally I wouldnt be having my in laws there (having done it). Good luck and congratulations 😊

I’d say it’s actually more common for those having twins.

There are multiple threads about women being upset because their parent has booked a holiday or trip on the day of induction etc

And I’m not saying you’re wrong as you can do what you like but it’s not the norm.

I personally would be in the mindset that I’ll just let people know when I’m ready but would assume most people would want to visit within the first 48hours.

I wouldn’t get worked up over it.
He knows he might miss it and is willing to take the risk which is on him.