AIBU To be excessively worried about DD’s safety as she leaves for university?

[MimiGC]

My DD has grown up in a small, very safe town. She’s a sensible girl, but never really had to be overly concerned for her safety on the streets before - public transport isn’t great here, so we’ve often given her lifts late at night. She’s now about to go to a big city (Birmingham) and I’m so worried for her. Obviously what you see in the media is always the worst of a place and I know I need to get things in perspective a bit more. I am thinking of getting her a personal alarm, for when she she’s walking home in the dark. AIBU?
If your DD has been to university in Birmingham, can you put my mind at rest?

I grew up in a rural area then went to university in a big city, I actually felt far safer walking around at night in the city. For a start their were streetlight, and there were always lots of people around (it helped that almost all student accommodation was either on or close to the main road). Even the rougher areas were usually that way due to gang activity and unless you were involved in that they'd leave you alone (though I did avoid them if possible). Obviously not walking alone is sensible, but she probably doesn't need to get a taxi to avoid the 20m walk from the bus stop that odds are plenty of others will be doing anyway.

It get darks at 4pm in winter. Of course she's going to end up walking home alone in the dark sometimes!

Birmingham university and lots of the halls of residence are in Edgbaston which is the nicest part of the city, with many huge expensive houses. This doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be careful as others have said about drink spiking and travelling with friends.
Most private student housing is in Selly Oak and you can’t move for students around there. It’s busy (and scruffy because of all their bins!) but generally safe.

Birmingham is a safe and very student friendly city. There are 3 large unis there so the city understands and caters very well to them. I did an MSc. at Aston many years ago and had a ball.

Your DD sounds very sheltered @MimiGC, you're right to be worried.

i grew up in close proximity to a large city. When I went to a different city for uni I was surprised by the lack of street smarts some of my friend from smaller villages had. They ended up in risky situations because they just didn’t have a clue.

You need to talk to your daughter about keeping safe… using licensed taxis, staying aware of her surroundings and avoiding poorly lit or isolated areas, especially at night, and keeping a trusted person informed about where she is going or sharing her journey details when travelling alone, staying in a group when out drinking etc etc. .

it’s a sad state of affairs to have to think like this. But it’s the reality of the world.

A lot of mumsnetters don't apparently

In real life every woman I know walks alone in the dark sometimes

Not Birmingham... Friday night there is as safe as a kibbutz in kabul.

It's a dump. Why didn't she pick a nice university? Birmingham takes anyone these days with 2 d's at A-Level and willing to get 50,000 in debt for a degree no employer cares about.

I suppose your daughter just had no choices... I'd encourage her to resit or try clearing next year for somewhere better.

I would ask tell her that no matter what situation she finds herself that she can always call home. Students lose their purses/cards on a night out. She needs to know there won't be judgment and that you'll be there to help her problem solve even if she's very drunk.

A lot of students end up in dangerous situations because they lose keys, phones, money on nights out and don't know what to do so end up walking home or wandering the streets looking for housemates.

Come up with ideas like jumping in a taxi or tagging along to walk back with a couple of other girls she recognises from accommodation even if they're not mates.

She can owe them a drink, even if she feels embarrassed being so upfront. Everyone at uni is starting from zero and tends to be very friendly!

Don't be a dick.

It wasn’t in the first post, because I am asking here about street safety. My DD’s experience was in a very safe place indoors (her best friend’s home). And I am not paranoid, I am worried- big difference.

Where did you go to university?
Please share.

I knew more people who were mugged or beaten in Oxford than Birmingham. Used to regularly see pools of blood in corners first thing in the morning too. The nightlife area are heavily policed in Birmingham because it's a much bigger industry, students are less over privileged there so less of a target, and in general it's safety in numbers of a big city. It dilutes the nutters.

The really scary thing is....

What you say or do at this point doesn't really matter.

Your daughter already knows that bad things sometimes happen on the street, in a club or in a taxi. But also that bad things also happen at home, at your best friend's house and at work.

You don't need to give her a lecture about street safety or taxis to make yourself feel better. Every club is littered with posters saying "only use legitimate taxis or Ubers" or to "ask Angela if they feel unsafe" . Uni will be handing out alarms and posters will be up in halls. The messaging is clear. She has social media. She sees the news.

She may well live extremely cautiously but it's also possible that she won't and she'll walk home at 6am after being pilled off her face in a nightclub. And you won't know and your lecture now won't change it. She will be an adult living independently - terrifying, I know.

What you could talk to her about is that it's alright to be perceived as "rude" as a woman if something or someone seems unsafe. You don't need to worry about a man feeling hurt or upset if you say no, or walk away or tell him firmly you aren't interested in talking to him etc.
This is true in a club but it's also true at uni, in halls and at work.
We school girls to be polite and compliant and to worry about other people's feelings - which are all good things - but it can mean young women instinctively seek to be "nice" and don't listen to the warning in their gut because they don't want to be rude.

But that's the thing - it's normal to be worried and it's perfectly natural, but there's nothing you can do except, well, hope for the best. And yes, that's scary but unfortunately it's part of being a parent.

Edinburgh.

Lived Birmingham 15yrs. It's a dump.

I went to Oxbridge.

Why didn't you retake your exams so you could go to a proper university? Do you not have any ambitions?

Birmingham is 12 in league tables. Edinburgh is 19th. I would keep your mouth shut.

Op has put this in Aibu and had some batshit replies .
If you'd posted in Higher Ed you'd have had more normal replies.

Birmingham no less safe than anywhere

Good grief. The are a lot of central areas which are perfectly fine after dark. Does she seriously stay at home at 6 p.m in winter? She must live in a really dodgy area of birmingham but if that is the case it probably doesn't make any difference if it is dark or not. Better to move to another area. The student areas are fine after dark.

I think their instincts are better than we give them credit for. They'll also quickly pick up the local info about any dodgy areas, and they're all pretty good at making sure nobody is walking home on their own.

I was worried when DD and her friends, all from nice safe villages/small towns, went to look at a student rental - I'd looked up the location, and it was a very deprived area where there was likely to be quite a bit of anti-student feeling, but I didn't know whether they would pick up on that. I needn't have worried - they all agreed that it didn't feel like a safe area.

I live in Birmingham. The university area is fine as is the city centre but it is rough in parts and there are areas I wouldn’t go to after dark by myself. I’ve been here 20 years and just don’t go to some of the most notorious areas. It’s a big city, not hard to avoid them.

Broad Street is (or maybe was, it’s run down) a big drinking street and whilst it’s fine, again, she just needs to be sensible and stay with friends. I imagine many students just stay around the university area instead where there are plenty of bars and cafes.

Telll her not to look too scared and small towny! Cultivate her bad ass persona.

There are also areas where I probably wouldn’t wear unnecessarily revealing clothes as they are heavily conservative Muslim and she will probably feel uncomfortable. But she is unlikely to visit those areas on the off chance (curry in Balti triangle notwithstanding!).

Best is to sign her up for a selfdefence course which teaches situational awareness and basics like not having phone out . Maybe uni runs one.

Universities have welfare teams and are well aware of the risks to young people. When I was in uni we had many talks and support options and were given rape alarms and advice around not walking alone at night, transport options etc.

It's fine to talk with your daughter about safe behaviours such as making sure she's with other people, this can be hard at the start when you're still trying to make friends but halls and other uni groups put on a lot of organised nights out and events which have second and third years leading, there are SCR people in halls, there's loads of built in support.

Have a look at the Birmingham student union info online - there's bound to be mention of safety on there. Took me seconds to find this: Supporting You - Guild of Students

It'll be so good for your daughter to learn and experience independence. It's totally normal as a parent to worry.

I totally empathise. DS applied to Manchester and missed his grades so is now going to a uni 10miles away (happily). I am over the moon as I was absolutely bricking it about having him so far away. He will still live out, but I know that where he is a smaller city, smaller campus uni, great pastoral care and he can come home at weekends if needed (or I can meet him for coffee).

I know it’s a me problem. I know I need to let go. I know he needs to be allowed to grow up… but I am just not ready yet to have him so far away, so this means I can hide it so much more easily now and he doesn’t need to know!

Birmingham is the second most dangerous city in Europe.

Evidence for this please?

That isn't a GB news article or a tiktok video.