AIBU To be excessively worried about DD’s safety as she leaves for university?

[MimiGC]

My DD has grown up in a small, very safe town. She’s a sensible girl, but never really had to be overly concerned for her safety on the streets before - public transport isn’t great here, so we’ve often given her lifts late at night. She’s now about to go to a big city (Birmingham) and I’m so worried for her. Obviously what you see in the media is always the worst of a place and I know I need to get things in perspective a bit more. I am thinking of getting her a personal alarm, for when she she’s walking home in the dark. AIBU?
If your DD has been to university in Birmingham, can you put my mind at rest?

Please don't tell me what my experience is. I am 37 and have never experienced any of the things on your list.

Just to reassure you @MimiGC , we live just outside of Birmingham, I have 3 girls - eldest has been going clubbing in Birmingham for the past 5 years and has been fine, she also walks from New Street and back daily for work and is fine - she was involved in an attempted mugging coming home from work last NYE at 4pm but her male colleague was the target.
my youngest is 17 and goes to Birmingham to shop and has had no problems.
i work all over Birmingham, often in places mentioned above as dangerous but I’ve never had an issue.
it’s a big big city with no more big city issues than anywhere else.
DD 1 had some stabbed to death at her Uni bus stop her first week at Manchester and still had 3 great years there!

It is paranoid to not leave your home past 4:30pm in winter. To presumably leave work early to get home before dark, not socialise, go to the gym, meet friends because she is petrified of what may happen if she leaves her home. She is not living in Sudan, or war torn Mogadishu or Monterrey in the middle of a cartel war.

She is living in Brum where most of her neighbours happily leave their homes post dark.

So yes saying this is an extreme level of paranoid and anxiety is absolutely correct. If this has been triggered by a past experience then therapy is something she should consider. But to paint it as just how Birmingham is when it’s just your niece who lives like that is rather bonkers.

I have already said as the UK’s second largest city Birmingham will have more crime than a tiny village but that does not make it dangerous to walk around. Not even your crime stats prove that (which will include everything from murder to bike theft, sexual assault to shoplifting.)

Niece from a small town in Wiltshire went to Birmingham and loved it.

im from a big northern town and went to Exeter in the late 80s…. I got flashed at twice and there was a drugs bust opposite my house!

If she’s sensible she’ll be fine wherever.

I was always left to my own devices and consequently loads of terrible stuff happened to me. I would ALWAYS advocate for looking after your kids, particularly in cities and wouldn’t accuse someone who was looking out for their young person as being over anxious at all.

This

its natural to be worried and while I don’t want to make you worry more - I do think you should know the complete uni guide website does consider Birmingham to be in a higher crime city then most other unis.
https://www.thecompleteuniversityguide.co.uk/student-advice/where-to-study/crime-rates-in-university-cities-and-towns

But as long as your daughter is vigilant as as others have said uses cabs etc I am sure she will just have a wonderful time.

There are a lot of frightened people generally on MN.

I think sensible precautions are needed but life needs to be lived. My kids grew up in London so were familiar with big cities. When they went to university elsewhere, they were just sensible and didn’t hang out late at night much alone. Thankfully they did okay.

Personally speaking, I am more wary in small villages walking down deserted roads at night than I am in a big city. Perhaps it is what you are used to.

OP just make sure your daughter hangs out with her cohort and she’ll be absolutely fine. Please don’t do what another poster mentioned here and advise her not to leave home after 4 pm in the winter!

I think it's perfectly understandable to be anxious about your child's safety and to have conversations with her about sensible precautions. There are obviously dangers when young people are living away from home for the first time - I worried when my sons went to University and having a daughter brings a different set of worries! I think it's good to be aware of dangers (avoiding dodgy areas late at night, letting friends/housemates know where you're going, being aware of spiking etc) but then you have to let go a little bit and trust that they will find their way and learn as they go along.

It's fine to have worries and keep some of it to yourself. You don't want to make her anxious or paranoid, just aware of the dangers and sensible precautions. You also want her to have fun and go out with friends and embrace Uni life. You sound like a great mum and I'm sure you'll find the balance 💐

I read that and it does give a huge amount of extra context which could have been in the first post. Certainly if your child has been the victim of sexual assault your anxiety and paranoia will understandably increase.

My sister in Law lived and worked in central London for many years. She grew up in a very rural village where her parents still lived. Her mum once discovered (via social media) that my SIL was waiting for a bus at 2am. She phoned her daughter because she was so worried. My SIL switched her phone to video and showed her mum the many people around her at the bus stop, and said they she is actually much safer waiting for a bus there than she would be in that dark little village she grew up in.

This is a great idea. Using this!

The behaviour of your niece is truly extreme. I have never heard anything like that. And I was a student in London, and now my friends’ kids are. Never leaving home after sunset 🤯

We are having an adult conversation. I am not interested in your racism.

A LOT of universities hand out personal alarms in Freshers week so it's reasonable to get her one.
If she is living in halls/with other new students, I would just really emphasise travelling to and from nights out together. In all likelihood they'll naturally do that as usually students share taxis to save money.
Daytime wise she'll probably go shopping etc with the others she lives with. They'll become her uni family if she gets a nice bunch. Encourage her to cast her net wide and get to know lots of people in her building so that she can always find someone to travel home with.

She's going to have a fab time.

Also worth seeing if they offer any self defence classes at uni. It's a perfect time to learn new skills cheaply and as a woman we are more at risk.

I would also suggest she agree on code words with housemates so they can let each other know if they're feeling uncomfortable on a night out.

Myself and a close friend were both r*ped at uni. I was in my student room and it was a boy I knew who I thought was safe, and my friend got attacked in a car park walking to her car after work. Prepare her as much as you reasonably can. But once to have, you'll have to trust her that she will be sensible.

What do you mean 'I am not interested' - it is not your fucking post, so keep to yourself what you are interested in or not. Self-important much?

@MimiGC im sorry your daughter went through that, we’ve had a similar experience x

Would there be time for her to do a personal safety course before the beginning of term?

Keys - tell her to carry a couple of old keys in her pocket at all times.

If she feels in danger hold onto them and be ready to bring them out to poke a possible assailant.

They will be surprised. I

I would also suggest not wearing a hood as it impairs vision and carrying an umbrella instead. Useful to poke anyone that gets near. Attach the alarm to the keys and or umbrella for easy access.

And don't get drunk.

These are practical steps to take.

The university is not in a dodgy area and if there are loads of students around it will be safe to walk around regardless of how late it is. Regardless, she should stick with her friends and if she finds herself alone get an Uber.

Don't get drunk?
You went from sensible suggestions to victim blaming very quickly.
She's a student it's inevitable she'll get drunk. Much better to plan to get about with a group of friends than pretend her 18yo won't drink alcohol. What a silly suggestion.

I went to Birmingham extremely innocent and naive. I didn't feel unsafe once and I worked with the homeless! Not from strangers in the city at least. I love that Uni and I'm sure she will grow into it in no time.

The fact that the uni has it's own little train station should be reassuring. We mostly went to they union club nights but even when we went into town the trains meant that transport back to halls was easy.

I'm so jealous - I tried to get my daughter to go there but she wasn't having it.

Not getting blind drunk for either sex is not victim blaming.

Surely you have drilled in to her to never walk home alone in the dark? Isn’t this basic practice these days?( and no I’m not a helicopter mum at all)