AIBU To be excessively worried about DD’s safety as she leaves for university?

[MimiGC]

My DD has grown up in a small, very safe town. She’s a sensible girl, but never really had to be overly concerned for her safety on the streets before - public transport isn’t great here, so we’ve often given her lifts late at night. She’s now about to go to a big city (Birmingham) and I’m so worried for her. Obviously what you see in the media is always the worst of a place and I know I need to get things in perspective a bit more. I am thinking of getting her a personal alarm, for when she she’s walking home in the dark. AIBU?
If your DD has been to university in Birmingham, can you put my mind at rest?

I didn't need an alarm to know my parents loved and cared about me.

Nor did I, you silly Billy.

Anyway, you've decided I'm the one to peck at this morning - carry on.

I know I will worry the same op, I think thats normal enough. How does dd feel is she worried herself? I think you need to try and strike a balance where you arent frightening her but she is aware of risks with coming home alone etc.

My YP moved from a small town to Liverpool last year for uni. Remind her about her drinks and sticking together, set up Uber with your card paying and then show her the security feature where someone can track the cab's location and listen to the audio. Ask her if she'll share her location with you or someone she trusts and keep checking in every couple of days so messaging becomes normalised. I was worried through most of the first semester but once she'd found friends and places that were all students, I relaxed more.

For every news story with bad news for one girl, there'll be hundreds of others who got home safely.

Her best bet is to not get too drunk, and to watch her drink. Walk confidently and with no distractions like headphones or head down. I agree that risk is more likely to come from people in, or on the edge of, her social circle, than strangers.

I agree that the university will have advice to give on this, and maybe schemes to help students get home safely. If she's in halls, could a WhatsApp group be organised where people post the time they want to leave and see if they can travel as a group? In Year 2, she's likely to be out with people she's close to and can make specific arrangements about getting home.

I am sorry to read your update. However I assume your daughter worked hard on her Alevels and you encouraged her to apply for Birmingham. You need to step back a bit. She genuinely will not want her mum recommending Uber companies and other things to keep her safe. Its a worrying time for parents but should also be a time for young people to make their own decisions, book their own taxis and step into adulthood.

Where did I assume that?

I'm asking why Birmingham terrifies you so much when you grew up in London. If something bad happened to you in London, then I'm sorry, but I'm not a mind reader. I can't be expected to know what your experiences were!

Some good suggestions here. Sadly, it's always best for women to not get too drunk.

It's not "pecking at you" to disagree with you

This is a discussion forum. It would be very dull if everyone just agreed with each other.

Ha ha! I went to Manchester when it was known as “Gunchester” and even lived my 2nd year at uni right next to Moss Side which back then was pretty infamous.

I never felt the slightest bit unnerved. I think feeling children with unnecessary levels of anxiety isn’t preparing them for the outside world.

I live in Birmingham. It's really not that bad. I don't walk home at night alone, don't showcase my phone/money/keys at night and generally am sensible. I've never had a problem.

Link the Uber account, do 'find my phone', agree with her that she only travels in groups or by reputable taxi and she'll be fine. Any big city has areas I'd not wander through at night - Moseley, Kings Heath, Harborne, Edgbaston village are all fine. The uni is in an okay area - stay out of north Birmingham unless in a very large group.

Ha, absolutely agree with you.

I really don't recognise the fear and anxiety that seems so prevalent on MN about day to day life. It must be horrible to live your life that way.

I meant to say “almost all the people [I know] who did experience….etc.”

Give her extra funds just for taxis ( sorry). If she gets in a taxi or uber alone she visibly takes picture of car and number plate on phone and tells driver smilingly ‘ sorry I’m a member of the women’s safety initiative and we always track ubers’ She sends details to you and pal. And confirms when safely home.

Tell her to be aware of her surroundings at all times and not to be dumb by eg wearing headphones or not paying attention. Never get silly drunk. Never accept a drink from a stranger or put her drink down.

Tell her to listen to her instincts and be cynical.

Never be alone with a man in private unless she knows him very well. Even then think out strategy to get away / raise an alarm.

Dont get into a situation she’s uncomfortable in by social pressure etc. Common sense. Her safety is more import than other’s feelings.

She finds Birmingham dangerous and lives in central, which given her experiences there isn't surprising.

What's surprising to me is your characterisation of her as being paranoid or that she is "hiding" at night. She stays home after dark but has hobbies and things she enjoys. She has simply accepted that it's not worth the risk of going out alone and that's because it's dangerous for young women like her to go out by themselves in central as other posters have said.

145 crimes per 1,000 people were reported in central Birmingham in 2022, which is 17% higher than the rest of the West Midlands. Those are the reported numbers, so there will be many more unreported. 14.5% crime rate - that's not insignificant!

The point of this thread was whether the OP should be concerned, and in my experience - yes! Central Birmingham is dangerous, especially for young women.

I love this idea, as often they go on nights out and spend their taxi money on alcohol etc and think ah I'll just walk home. I will be using this when my boy is older, thank you!

But that’s not specific to Birmingham.

I have heard appalling things from ‘naice ’ young middle class girls at work just graduated from various unis, not to mention own nieces and sons.

Porn, drugs and bad attitudes to women have changed uni life beyond recognition. Being wary and streetwise is essential. It needn’t inhibit fun - just need to be on guard.

Do you have Life 360 on her mobile? At least with that you can see her location. A pp has already mentioned about spiking and apparently it isn’t always blokes spiking women either, some women are spiking other women and even men.

Genuinely right to be concerned but you could do with having a talk with her about safety basics - watching for drink spiking, don’t walk home alone, use a well-lit and populated route home, message when leaving/got home, eating before drinking, test kits for spiking….finding some decent mates who won’t leave you blind drunk etc

Just to urge posters to read OP's update which explains why she is so anxious.

This is the most helpful post - someone with experience not someone being hysterical based on hearsay. Birmingham is inherently no less safe than anywhere else.

Usual advice OP - watch your drink at all times, don’t walk anywhere at night alone, take Ubers rather than a cab off the streets, don’t get so drunk you don’t know what you’re doing. Some of my DD’s friends are at Birmingham and are having a great time, I’m sure your DD will too.

I dont think YABU to worry, you're her mum, of course you worry, its natural and rational to worry. Its not like you're worrying so much you're trying to stop her.

Most women have these experiences. No woman in the UK has gone through a whole life without experiencing it. Even on public transport women get touched up, felt up, flashed at and made to feel uncomfortable.

There's a difference between using basic common sense and becoming so anxious you don't go out alone in the dark, as per PP, though.

The paranoia on this thread is insane to me, I don't know a single person in real life who gets this anxious about basic day to day life.

I’m with you OP. My 18 year old DD is heading to Manchester. We are in a leafy seaside town in easy reach of a smaller city. We have spent the last 2 years with the expectation that when she goes out she has her key, a charged phone and a plan to get home, because she’s been at home we’ve wanted to know where she is going ( often we’ve picked up) and who she is going with. That we expect her to watch out for her friends and she should expect the same.
She hated all this at 16, who wants to plan at 16, but she gets it now, and is proud that their first night clubbing in the city, she was got the uber sorted and everyone home (I’d suggested that she stop drinking when they headed clubbing the first time so she could keep track of what was going on).
We’ve tried to be pragmatic and sensible, she is still getting the hang of it all and the more she sees of the world the more she gets it.
The vulnerable bit as I see it is being watched out for until she gets to know her flatmates and finds her tribe to watch out for her in the way we do at home, but Unis will be away of this bit I’m sure.
just like you I’ll be scouring this thread for the helpful advice