AIBU To be excessively worried about DD’s safety as she leaves for university?

[MimiGC]

My DD has grown up in a small, very safe town. She’s a sensible girl, but never really had to be overly concerned for her safety on the streets before - public transport isn’t great here, so we’ve often given her lifts late at night. She’s now about to go to a big city (Birmingham) and I’m so worried for her. Obviously what you see in the media is always the worst of a place and I know I need to get things in perspective a bit more. I am thinking of getting her a personal alarm, for when she she’s walking home in the dark. AIBU?
If your DD has been to university in Birmingham, can you put my mind at rest?

I disagree that it's a no-brainer. By buying something like that, she's basically teaching her daughter that she has something to be scared and worried about - which she doesn't.

Plus, simply buying one won't do anything to alleviate her fears - her DD could chuck it in the nearest bin the second she arrives.

So why are you so terrified about Birmingham?

Please don't pass your anxieties on to your daughter.

Given people say that since they were 12 walking to school they've had cars follow them and shout at them, being harassed, followed a groped, spiked, yelled at, felt threatened. Maybe a lone woman in Birmingham at night is at some risk. No one wants their DD to be a statistic.

Equally I refuse to let my DD live in fear.

A personal alarm if walking alone at night is a good idea. I walked alone a lot at night as a student and never had problems (smaller city than Birmingham) but doesn’t hurt to have one. Yes it is better to go home with others but sometimes stuff happens and you end up alone. Agree with others that it is probably more important to stick to main roads, use night buses etc. I never really felt scared.

Spiking I worry about

Please remind yourself that the conservertoire is not based in one of the worrying areas of the city. It’s in the city centre on the side where accommodation feeds into UoB campus. My younger DD is autistic and uses the city Ubers to get herself around as she likes the track where you are system Ìt offers. TBH you find more issues just outside the area between UoB medical school and the QE hospital due to substance addicts trying to access the hospital pharmacy. Eldest Dd was at the med school there till 2022. Now works at QE.
bourneville village is run by bournville trust. Bit different to the edge where the student houses are. Eldest Dd says car crime and break ins to steal tech equipment are high there as students tend not to think about it. Most students are sensible and arrange to do evenings in groups and warn each other of dodge locations etc.

This is overly paranoid. So she locks herself up in her house in winter from 4:30 till the morning?

😳😆

In my experience of having a daughter at Birmingham university a few years back, they are very good at forming packs when they go out and making sure they don't walk home alone or use Ubers alone (or if they really have to, they send details to someone.)

One of my daughter's friends was spiked at a bar. Generally, again, though the girls are very canny. And to be fair, the boys are good at keeping an eye out for them.

My dad bought me an alarm when I started going out at night and it didn't teach me to be scared. It taught me that my dad loved and cared about me.

And as for chucking it in the bin as soon as she arrives at uni, that's just a very random suggestion made simply to disagree with a post on Mumsnet.

Are woman in constant danger of being attacked by strangers or not?

Strangers do attack women, some may just "mildly harass". There are many cases (sadly on MN) where women have posted about random men, screaming, harassing and threatening them. Women saying since 12 till they were in their 40s and aged out constantly harassed and harangued. Women being spiked at uni, assaulted.

The thing that would worry me the most would be her drinking and losing her mates and potentially falling victim to harm that way or having her drink spiked. I think all my efforts would be to do with managing those scenarios.

Yet many people don't have that experience. I've certainly never experienced any of those things.

Nobody should live in fear. Crime will always happen, but that's no reason to never go anywhere or do anything.

I think the far right end of social media has adopted Birmingham as its latest bête noire similar to London and largely for the same reasons.

Is Birmingham more dangerous on average than a quiet rural English village. Well yes, obviously. It’s England’s (maybe the UK’s?) second largest city. In most countries there is more crime in larger cities than villages. But Birmingham is overwhelmingly safe and most of the thousands of students who head there each year have a great time.

My mum was one of these. She came to me practically in tears as I settled into my hall room I'd just arrived in sounding just like you.

There were signs in halls about getting a personal alarm and she thought that meant I was moving into some kind of hole.

As soon as she was gone life carried on as normal and I was fine. Never forgot she had to make it about her anxiety though.

It is sad to be so concerned about trust, but my DD went to a party in the home of her best friend, who she would trust with her life. That friend invited a boy to the party, said he could stay over and late at night, he went into the room where my DD was sleeping and sexually assaulted her. So, no, I’m not filling her with anxiety. My job is to try to help her adjust and manage a new life in a very different place, as safely as possible. I’m aware that dangers largely come from known and semi- known men and I can advise about that. My direct concern here in this thread is safety on the streets, in clubs, in taxis.

Don’t let one story of an Uber driver put you off. Uber is very safe and efficient. Scaremongering helps nobody.

But statistically London is more dangerous than Birmingham.

I wouldn't say constant and I refuse to live my life in fear, so I continue to go out alone at night. You may not believe this, but the last couple of times I have been harangued, it was by women.

I didn't need an alarm to know my parents loved and cared about me.

And no, chucking it in the bin wasn't a "random suggestion" - it was designed to show OP that buying an alarm is not actually going to do anything to make her feel better, because her DD would have to a) carry the alarm with her and b) use it for it to make any difference to her fears.

They have strong ties with Bham uni…they send recruits there to train, especially in nursing …google will give you lots of info about it and you’ll get a feel for the kind of student that she will meet. Honestly you have no more worries than all parents naturally do…I say this as an over thinker myself.

My DSD went to Birmingham. My DD currently at Sheffield.
Your DD will quickly learn the safest ways to travel about. Uber, always with friends or have a buddy to check in with, don't walk around at night with headphones in. Etc.
Spiking is a genuine risk - not just in drinks but needles. Always keep an eye out for friends suddenly behaving as if they're really drunk - could be spiked. One of DD's friends was spiked recently.
A little anxiety for you is entirely normal - your DD is going to be in a very different environment, but there's safety in numbers and as long as she remains aware of her personal safety she will be fine.

I am so sorry to see your update, OP. That happened to my DDs friend too. Semi known man.
I would try to strike a middle ground.

Why are you assuming that nothing bad happened to me and my friends on the streets or transport system of London?

Sounds like she could do with therapy. This level of paranoia and isolation is not normal. Most people in Birmingham do not hide inside their homes after 4pm.